Running Around in Circles… Forrrr No Apparent Reason (Where’s the reasoning!?)

Disclaimer: I have no idea how this post is going to turn out. It’s almost 4 AM as I write this, and I just watched this nightmare-inducing video (I’m honestly terrified to go to sleep…shit like that is not fucking right…. Dumbo? Scared the shit out of me, and still does.) after getting addicted to The Internet is Terrible, which could be the funniest site I’ve ever experienced. Seriously, nothing really scares me except THAT SHIT. And my stupid ass decided to every fucking related video that YouTube had. WHY AM I SO DUMB!?

Because you touch yourself at ni-

HA HA HA SO FUNNY. (< insert sarcasm there)

So anyway, what the fuck was I eve-

Running. I hate it. Or I should say, I used to hate it a lot. However, lately, I have been having uncontrollable urges to just run. And I don’t mean run like 1 or 2 miles. No, that shit is shit man. I’m talking long distance shit, like 8 or 12 miles. As of now, it doesn’t take much to make me run more than 5 miles. Yumeka celebrated 8 years of blogging, and so I ran 8 miles. That’s all it took. Someone drops the number 8 in front of my face and I immediately think miles. Tomorrow, I’m seriously debating running 15 miles, which I’ve done only once, and regretted it terribly. But lately, I’ve been wanting to push my body to it’s limits and test just how far it can go. Personally, I think I can run a marathon, if the ground is flat enough. I’m in pretty good running shape for me as of now. I’m not going to gloat, but yesterday, I ran a one minute mile. No kidding (but completely lying). Wow this post sucked, so basically, it ruled. Ruling suck. Perfect ace. But I’m not such a prissy pissy pussy as to not put it up. No, no, no. I will post this garbage, and you lot will eat it up like savages. I am Legend!

fin

Remember Middle School?

It has come to my attention that some people think that my job is to “act like a jerk, to be blunt, crude, swear a lot, and make it funny.” Although I generally succeed gracefully in all of these aspects, this certainly isn’t how I want to be known of or remembered by as an author. Maybe something about seeing it in writing made it really hit home. Jerk? Crude? Blunt? (wait…what’s so bad about being blunt?) These aren’t really kind things, and I’d like to change these thoughts of me. Therefore, I felt that I should work to clean up my act, and to start, I decided that talking about the innocent students of middle school should really change opinions of me….I’ll start writing this as soon as I finish filling out the checks to my usual charities……okay, done.

Three future whores in training....ARE WE REALLY ALLOWING THESE ACTS TO TAKE PLACE IN OUR SCHOOLS!? Say no to popsicles and all dick shaped foods (all the best kinds).

Middle school kids are dirty fucking brats. I honestly hate all of them. I even told my Refuse to Come Wack’s little, elementary school brother the other day that when he becomes a middle schooler, he’s really going to start to grind my gears, whether he think he is or not.

And for the record, no, I don’t hang around with kids more than half my age. You see, I was working on a grueling landscaping endeavor, which only a man of muscular fortitude like myself could possibly handle, when he came over to tell me and my good adult friend, Dean, that he hates Japanese people, because they all cheat. Needless to say, me and Dean were a bit shocked by this angry announcement from a child not even out of Elementary School. When we inquired how it was exactly, that Japanese people are cheaters, he replied by saying that they cheat because they “came up with a cheat thing for Pokemon, like a game shark.” When I told him that Japanese created Pokemon, as well as pretty much everything else on Earth, he said that he could’ve made Pokemon. I would love to talk about this conversation, because it’s literally the funniest thing ever. If you want to read the rest of this innocent, racist, funny conversation, then by all means, go to the bottom, I’ll talk about it more in depth. For now, back to the topic. A middle school student.

I’ve never seen a shittier life form in my life. People should be allowed to legally beat these beasts into submission just for sport, because most middle school children seem to think that the world revolves around them. They all think that they’re always right, and that they can get away with anything. Want some examples? I could give you millions, seeing as I work teen zone at the YMCA on Friday nights. Pretty much it’s a 3 hour event where a shit load of middle schooler come and act like assholes.

I don’t want a kid. Let me rephrase. I do, eventually want a kid. I would most likely spoil my kid, treat him or her like greatness, and transform into a huge pussy after having a kid. You should all pray I don’t have a kid anytime soon (doesn’t look likely anyway). But I think that during the times where this child of mine is in middle school, I’m going to DIE, or run away for a few years until my child has moved on to bigger and better things. I work as a supervisor to middle schoolers at a teen program once a week at my local YMCA, and even though I’m only there for 3 hours, it’s fucking hell. These dip-shit kids (all 200+ of them) act like they’re tough shit. And it doesn’t help that nowadays, we can’t even raise a voice at a child because we’ll get sued for “disrupting their psychological state of mind” or some over dramatic bullshit like that. Look, I fell down the stairs headfirst when I had only just learned to walk, But I got up like nothing even happened (I’ve got that on tape and it’s literally the funniest thing ever).

One time, a kid brought in a knife to this event. Another time, TWO kids brought in knives. There’s always a fight. Kid’s come in high and drunk. HIGH AND DRUNK. MIDDLE SCHOOL. WHAT THE FUCK ARE THESE KIDS DOING WITH THEY’RE LIVES!? I may be a crude jerk, but even so, these kids are the FUTURE. What does this mean for us? I wasn’t both high and drunk at the same time until I was in college, and trust me, it’s a bad combination for a 21 year old, much less a 13 or 14 year old. What’s the NEXT generation going to be like? It seems to me that with every new generation comes worse and and worse behavior at earlier and earlier ages. Not coincidentally, in my opinion, people are becoming more and more politically correct. Stripping teachers and parents even of the ability to govern their students. It’s now abuse to spank you’re children. Really? That’s bullshit. It’s not abuse to lightly spank you’re child when  he’s bad. It’s not like you’re taking a bat and pummeling them into the ground. Besides, it’s not like parents feel good about spanking their children either. America is becoming a pussy, and it’s effecting our youth. Anyway, middle schoolers (WOW I got off track…and kind of serious too).

Suggested: Click and enlarge in a new tab/window. It's better to see their bratty faces.

Demons, all of them. Filthy brats with no sense of discipline. All of these kids are growing up to be bratty, self satisfying pussies. Right now I’m talking about the contents of this shitty nation. Ie: the shit. Let’s get this shit started:

RED: Look at the kid’s face. Look at his camo shirt. Look at his skater shoes and long hair. This kid thinks he’s a real rebel. He thinks he owns the world, and that he’s better than everyone. He’s the type of kid who will talk to you like he’s better than you, because he’s a real bad ass. He’s not just on equal footing with you, an elder, he’s above you. What a joke. Cut your hair, you’re not Tim Lincecum, he’s actually skilled at something. You’re just a waste of life. I bet you sit around all day playing video games. Go have your mom buy you a new toy you cunty piece of shit.

YELLOW: Look at you miss know it all. You’re just like Camo-Boy, except female. You just know everything, huh? You love to just boss everyone around like it’s nobody’s business. And if someone doesn’t like what you say?  TALK TO THE HAND! Say that shit to me and I’ll smack the shit out of you*. Chances are there’s a LOT of it.

* = I’d probably honestly give her a high five first…I mean, if someone puts their hand up at eye level, you kind of have to do it.

LIGHT BLUE: What the FUCK is this kid doing? The “call me” signal? That’s pretty cool, BRO. And look at your face BRO. No smiles there. God knows that face muscles are only for talking shit. In your case probably on a phone, far away from physical backlash. What a pussy. You need to get your ass beat badly.

Don’t you talk shit on a computer? Far away from physical backlash?

……uhhhhhh………………we’re moving on to pink.

PINK: This girl isn’t smiling either. You know why? She’s a snobby, stuck up bitch. She expects life to be served to her on a silver platter of gold*. Good thing it hasn’t been yet, because judging by the roundness of her face, she’d probably eat it. Whore.

* = a silver platter of gold? That makes no sense, but for some reason was hilarious to me.

BLUE: Well look at this. Is this what I think it is? A middle school GANG!? Holy shit, I guess times are tough for these kids. I mean, they need to form gangs to survive in their suburban schools with their peers who are dressed in all sorts of designer clothes. I hope these guys have bulletproof Hollister tees on. I can already tell that the kid with the backpack on thinks he’s tough shit. He really needs to be kicked in the throat.

GREEN: This girl is your typical “never shuts the fuck up” girl. Give the yapping a rest you cunt! I bet you talk all day about how Stacy and Brad might be together but they really aren’t but maybe they have an interest in each other but if they don’t you think that Brad’s kind of cute and that maybe you could date Brad but maybe you don’t want to but may- SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!! The teacher tells you to stop talking, and what do you do? First you agree to stop talking, and then you just keep talking!!! She sends you to the office and you’re all like, “I don’t care, I’m awesome and in middle school. Go ahead and do it!” Someone really needs to be punched in the mouth so that it has to be wired shut and that you can’t talk for weeks. Even you’re classmates are annoyed by you.

WHITE: These dudes are fuckin gay. Actually, I don’t have any problem with them being gay, but THIS IS A SCHOOL!!! NONE OF THIS SHIT!!! YOU’RE UNDERAGE!!! WHAT’S GOING ON IN THESE SCHOOLS TODAY!? The girl in the tye-dye is gay with the girl behind her (look at the other girl, she’s all up in Tye’Dye’s shit!), but they aren’t having a cuddle session in the middle of a class-picture. You guys will never live this down. Everyone knows not to come out of the closet until high school.

You can also spot, right between yellow and red, some Group-Girls. Aka, girls who go to the bathroom together, in order to put on makeup together and shit together. They also dance at dances together, go to the mall together (like yeahs!) eat together and they’ll grow up to be nothing more than 4 single friends who don’t get any action, and all live together with cats. Good luck with that.

God I hate middle schoolers. It’s sad that we were all like this one day. In fact, there’s only one genuinely awesome kid in this whole picture. Can you find him?

Continuation of the Japanese Racist Story

So my friends small child brother comes up to me and my adult friend Dean, while we are working on a manly landscaping project, and pretty much rips on Japanese people as hard as he can, calling them “cheaters for making a cheat device for GameBoy DS.” Obviously this boy is a child and doesn’t fully understand marketing strategies and what sells. First a little background on this child, who, for legality purposes, I will simply call “Thomas”. And Dean is being called “Dean” for the same reasons I guess. Not their really names probably.

Anyway, here’s a profile of Thomas that I made. Eye’s blocked for legality reasons. I forgot to block them.

Eye Sedso does not condone underage drinking or smoking, because Eye Sedso's author is a hypocrite.

“Thomas” is a child who is, for lack of a better word, OBSESSED WITH POKEMON. He doesn’t like anime, but we all know that being obsessed with Pokemon could lead down that path. Anyway, it baffles me how a kid so obsessed with something as Japanese as Pokemon could hate Japan and Japanese people? Personally, I love Japan and Japanese people, which isn’t really hard to see considering my loving personality and kind nature.

So me and Dean are mulching, digging, hauling, etc (well, Dean is just watering plants, he’s paying me to do this, so he’s not doing any real work). Thomas comes up to us and just starts ranting on Japan. He has his GameBoy DS in hand (I think it’s actually melded itself to his body at this point), with the latest Pokemon game loaded up. I this conversation started when I told him about the black and white versions which I knew were newest, I think from reading it on CSW a while back. He got all excited and started talking about Pokemon, got into Japan and how they cheat.

Me and Dean decided to have some fun with him. For these conversations, which probably won’t be funny to any of you, Anything Thomas says will be in Red and anything that either Dean or I say will be normal type. Dean started off:

“Digimon is way better than Pokemon.”

Thomas flared up: “NO! Pokemon are way better. Digimon are in computers (I have no idea what he’s talking about, I’ve never seen Digimon, nor will I ever)”

We made fun of him, and then the convo got serious when we asked,

“Do you have a girlfriend?”

“I have 3.” (kid’s a pimp somehow)

“What if there was a really hot Japanese girl in your class, and she really wanted to go out with you, and she would do anything for you, would you go out with her?”

“Yeah, to punch her in the face!”

Then we got to the economy.

“Do you like Pokemon?”

“Yeah, it’s the best.”

“But you hate the Japanese.”

“Yeah.”

“You realize that Japan made Pokemon?”

“Yeah, but they also made a cheat game for it, they’re cheaters.”

“But they made the idea of Pokemon.”

“So, I could make it.”

This went back and forth. Later, he came up with:

” I hate Japanese people.”

Yeah, but without the Japanese, you wouldn’t have any video games. There would be no Game Boy and no Nintendo.”

“I want to move to Japan.”

(“Wow, he changed his mind just like that?” I thought)”I thought you hated Japan?”

“I want to move there and then at night I can go around and kill people.”

(wtf!!!)”They all know karate though.”

“So? I can beat them all up.”

What the fuckkkkkkkkkk!??? I laughed my ass off. This kid is so small, and he was shitting on Japanese people, the Japanese economy, the Japanese industry, pretty much everything except Pokemon was shit on. I mean, the kid’s in 5th grade, so it’s not like he’s completely oblivious to everything. He knows what he’s saying. He obviously won’t actually do any of it (he said legally), and he honestly probably doesn’t mean any of it, but it was hilarious for me and Dean to go back and forth, making fun of Pokemon to get him mad, and giving him different scenerios about Japan to see his reactions. If you read this last section, you probably wasted your time, because it’s one of those, “You had to be there and actually know the kid” kind of things. Sorry for wasting your time. Actually I’m not. Goodbye.

I Guess I Should Add A Reaction to Janette’s Comments:

You said that my job is to “act like a jerk, to be blunt, crude, swear a lot, and make it funny.” Honestly. Yes, it kind of is my job, except I’m not getting paid, so it’s not a job. Wtf is up with that? Should I ask for some money or something? I’m pretty poor, and could always use an extra dollar.

The only thing I disagree with is being “blunt”. I still don’t see what’s wrong with being blunt just calling things as I see them? You were being blunt when you said that my job was yadda yadda yadda. Crude? I don’t know about crude. I feel like that would insinuate that I have no intellect, which I have plenty of. I could easily write a post that compares and contrasts two things, brings up new ideas, etc. In fact, usually I do, but I just don’t find that as fun as writing whatever I want to write. When I feel like writing an intelligent post, I’ll let you know. And even when I’m being abrasive, I feel like I still bring up decent points. Also, I’m only a jerk when I need to be, which is a lot. You would have to admit that I’m being quite cordial (at least I think I am) right now.
As for episodic blogs. Yeah, I don’t like them. Well, not totally true. I like some of them. TJ has kind of an episodic thing going on, and I like his blog a lot. Klux, one of my top five favorite blogs in the world, written by my wife who I’ve never really met or married IRL, but who is still my wife, is a bit episodic, but she writes in an awesome style (a bit like mine).

I guess in the end, it’s all up to the person and their general interests. Yi (or someone…I thought it was Yi, I can’t find the quote now though) said it best:

“It’s amazing to see that we all have our own cliques, even in the blogosphere”

As for the smack talk, it’s all in good fun. I might tell someone he’s a little pansy and his blog is such a huge piece of shit that it’s tearing a hole in the ozone layer. I might poke fun at my opponent and call him a Nazi. I might even accuse him of touching babies. But when it’s all said in done, we’re all in this together, moving forward for a better future. Think of the children! Peace on Earth!

Ode to the Nike Soccer Commercial

This post was inspired ENTIRELY by Jesus159159159. If he didn’t throw up that Elvis song on twitter, I wouldn’t have looked at a shitload of Elvis stuff on youtube, and wouldn’t have remembered the best song ever: Elvis vs JXL – A Little Less Conversation, which was the main song from the Cage Match Nike Commercial. Well you know what? All Nike Soccer Commericals kick ass (or used to anyway). Here they are, starting with one of my favorites:

Nike Mission

“It’s just a ball.”

“NO! It’s rounder!”

Best quote ever? I love this shit. Davids has sick braids/glasses. He was the man. I remember him on Juventus, and when me and my friends would play soccer, we’d have to be someone, my friend would be Del Piero, and I’d be Davids (actually, I’d usually be Nedved, because Davids is black and I am whiter than Denny Blaze [link inspired by Refuse to Come Wack]).

Nike Airport

God this was awesome. The music! THE MUSIC! Who is it you ask?

Mas que nada by Tamba Trio (but these guys did it first unless I’m retarded)…. Anyway, did you see the guy at 54 seconds? Maybe he got the idea from seeing that ball, but he soon thereafter produces the SHIT OUT OF SHIT! (the Nike Cage Match Commercials….he’s the guy in them)

Nike Cage Match

This is where Elvis comes into play. This song was….well……I was obsessed with it.

Masterpiece. This created chaos. I mean, with this commercial, came the following:

  • The Chromer. The chrome ball used. Honestly, the ball was a bit heavy, but fuck me sideways if it wasn’t the coolest looking ball ever made.
  • I got a dvd (I think through Eurosport) that showed each individual match in full. It had all sorts of bonus stuff and was generally awesome.
  • Totti is a cheating Italian. That last goal was bullshit. I hate Totti.
  • Davids was sick in this video.
  • The Scorpion Kick. That goal that was scored at 1.24.

OH! I found a FULL cage match, that shows all of the DVD footage and cut scenes!

As I stated before, Totti is a cheating Italian bastard. I would love to link to a specific Pokey the Penguin comic right now, but I’m not looking through all of them to find the one I want….oh wait, yes I am:

ITALIAN SABOTAGE!

I chose chose any comic….God, Pokey the Penguin is AWESOME. Anyway, that goal was bullshit, therefore……

Did you see that curve at 42 seconds! BLAMMMM!!!

Here’s one I haven’t yet seen:

Nike…err….House Match?

I liked that shit! Thinking back, I may have actually seen that, because I remember the dag. You like dags? Tha fuck’d I want a caravan ain’t gat no wheels!?

Nike Good vs Evil

“au revoir”….AWeEEESSOMmeMEEME!!

Nike Freestyle

I love it.

Well, that’s all I’m going to put up, because those are the ones from my youth that I’m most fond of. Damn this was a great post!

Nascar Can DIE

Guess why I’m pissed off this time? If you guessed that it was because I have a really small penis, well then you’re wrong, because I have a great penis. No, no, no. The reason why I’m pissed off is because of this bullshit article I read on espn.com, which stated that espn will be carrying a lot more nascar races this year. OHHHHHHH FUCKKKKK. STOP THE PRESSES, I AM ANGRY!

Look at this piece of shit......HE'S A FUCKIGN PIECE OF SHIT!!!!

Look at this piece of shit.......HE'S A FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT!!!

First of all, why do people like this joke of a sport? It’s got to be the most retarded thing I’ve ever heard of. One time I tried watching it once, and after 5 minutes of the same bullshit, I ended up going outside and blowing up my car. Thanks a lot, nascar, because of you, I now have to take the bus to work. Do you know how shitty public transportation is? All sorts of shit can happen.

What is the actual point of nascar, other than to waste thousands of gallons of gas per year, thus raising the price of gas for all of us? As stated before, the drivers don’t do anything but drive in a circle. I mean, there’s no real obstacles in front of them, other then other cars.Nascar would be better if they threw some obstacles in the courses, like small, bratty children. This would kill two birds with one stone. On one hand, you would have nascar be slightly more interesting, and on the other hand, if your kids are ever misbehaving, you can threaten them by saying that you’re going to have them appear on nascar, or maybe actually do it. Trust me, they’ll never be bad again (or in some cases, alive). But honestly, it’s not the actual sport that I hate, it’s more of the fact that people like the sport, and more importantly the actual people who like the sport (that was kind of a confusing sentence).

What do I think of when I hear the word, “nascar”……usually, I think of shitty, fucking, rednecks. Who doesn’t. I remeber reading a study that tallied up the average IQ of nascar fans, and that the result placed nascar fans far below the average IQ for the nation. What does that tell you? It tells me that we should start hunting redneck, and eventually kick them all out of the nation. Send them to China or Russia or some shitty country like that. Better yet, send them to Mexico. No one in Mexico has any clue what’s going on anyway.

Rednecks have a way of turning where ever they live into a third world country. Have you seen some of the redneck areas? Here are some pictures (found via Goolge):

To reiterate....ALABAMA SUCKS.

If you want to know more, type in redneck in google, and have fun. Okay, I’m sort of getting off topic here. I was supposed to be talking about nascar, and somehow I started ripping on rednecks. I mean, I don’t really need to rip on them. Everyone knows that rednecks suck, except of course, rednecks, who for some reason think that they’re witty and smart simply because they are rednecks. God damn it I hate rednecks.

Back to nascar. Well……what more can I say? It’s a stupid sport, and I don’t want it taking up air time on espn. I’d rather watch anything else…..even infomercials are more entertaining than nascar. Nascar sucks, and I hate it more than anything else in the world. Even more than hippies and hobos (who I don’t mind as much thanks to Tokyo Godfathers).

What more can I say here? I hate nascar and I hate rednecks.

I Just Had An Idea

Considering that this is my 500th post (HOLY SHI-), I thought that I ‘d do something to amuse…..me. Basically, the other night, I had a splendid idea. This idea was one that could actually change the world, and I’m not even joking about that. What’s the idea that I had?

Suck my dick. And here’s why:

When you meet me, you’ll find that I’m a person who can deliver misery and complaints, usually coupled with a general air of annoyance, into any conversation. When you talk to me, my socially awkward disposition can turn you away, and maybe even lead you to dislike me. This is because no one is sucking my dick! If someone were sucking my dick when I was talking to you, then I would most likely be quite cordial, friendly, and articulate.

You know what, before I continue, I would like to point out that this post has nothing to do with anime, and everything to do with sucking my dick. I’m even going to do you a favor and tell you just HOW to suck my dick.

When you suck my dick, I prefer 3 things, and 3 things only:

  1. My dick.
  2. Your mouth.
  3. My dick being sucked by your mouth.

That’s it. That’s literally all that I want when a person sucks my dick. You may have noticed that I never differentiated between gender, race, or age. This doesn’t mean that I would be okay with a White/Hispanic/Asian/Black 5 year old boy treating my johnson like a straw. That’s just fucked up. In fact, anything outside of a hot, legal girl putting my literal dick in her literal mouth and sucking is just unacceptable.

However, all sorts of people can still suck my dick (including the previously mentioned White/Hispanic/Asian/Black 5 year old boy)….FIGURATIVELY. That’s right, you don’t need to preform a sexual act to figuratively gargle my marbles. I guess this means that I prefer more than three things when having my dick sucked. Figuratively sucking my dick could include any of the following:

  • Telling me that I’m awesome.
  • Talking about me in a positive way for hours on end.
  • Giving me money or steak on a consistent basis for no real reason.
  • Stalking me (as long as you are a hot, female person above the age legal for sexual activity, so that you can suck my dick both figuratively, and literally).
  • Literally sucking my dick (provided you are a somewhat attractive, legal aged, female)

I could go on, but I’m sure by now you get it. But maybe you still haven’t realized how sucking my dick could help the world. Well let me put your queries to rest. I’ve already said that sucking my dick could yield a more approachable me. And a more approachable me means a me who doesn’t complain, doesn’t ignore, and above all, creates brilliant ideas. Who knows what marvles and ideas lay untapped in my brain, just poised for the opportunity to reveal themselves to the world when someone starts sucking my dick? The last time I had my dick properly sucked, I was in college (true story), and a girl was sucking my dick. Suddenly I had an idea. I threw the whore off of my dick, and created the ipod in TWELVE SECONDS. That’s right, I developed and produced the first ipod. Unfortunately, after I made it, my dick wasn’t being sucked, and I never got a patent. The idea was stolen shortly thereafter (in case you’re wondering, no, this story does not at all match the timeline of reality, and is incredibly inaccurate, that’s because when I wrote it, no one was sucking my dick).

So we already know that sucking my dick is good for industry and technology, but what about other things? Well, did you know that sucking my dick cuts down on methane by 51%? I bet you didn’t, but look at it like this:

I fart every other minute. In fact, I farted 2756 times while writing this post (also does not match timeline of reality). But when my dick is being sucked correctly, I have no need to fart. Why not? Well, as you know, farts have long been the standard approach people take toward repelling the company of others. I hate people, so I fart a lot to keep them at away from me. But if you’re planning on sucking my dick, I have to allow you to get 3 feet away from my body or closer, so that you can get a proper sucking in (think about that for a second). Not only that, but every time I get the hoover treatment (the vacuum or the President, either one works), I emit a hormone that converts harmful pollution into ice cold beer. Shit, I guess sucking my dick can also get you drunk!

So now I have given you several reasons to suck my dick: General attitude change, good for technology, and good for the environment, but have you heard that sucking my dick cures cancer? Probably not, because it doesn’t, but it does cure the common cold, chromosomal diseases, and mental retardation why the fuck would I want a retard suc-

Anyway, I’m not asking you to suck my dick simply to give me pleasure. I mean, I am, but I’m also asking you to do it to help the world. Hmm, this post is kind of short for a post about my penis, and people sucking it. Oh well, maybe if someone was sucking my dick, this post would have been better.

Attention Jesus Freaks

WARNING: This is the worst post I ever wrote. Ever. I would delete it, but I like some of the pictures in it.

Go fuck yourselves. I’m sick of you God obsession, sick of your bullshit, and quite frankly, I’m sick of you. I think it’s time I tell you just why you are all fucking moron. Get on your knees and pray, I’m about to smite you with some knowledge.

Surprise! I am actually God!

Surprise! I'm actually God!

Let me first give the actual definition of a Jesus Freak:

Jesus Freak /n/: A person who devotes every part of his being to serving God, and never disobeys Him in any way.

Ex: This faggot.

Wait a minute. I feel the need to show that whole picture, and suddenly point out all that is wrong with it.

This faggot has no clue how ridiculously stupid the quote on top of his pre-pubescent, braced up, blonde-hair, blue eyed head looks (by the way, Hilter liked blonde hair/blue eyed people, and this kid is wearing red, so he is probably a Neo-Nazi fuck). First of all, there isn’t a single Christian on the planet that knows what rock is (just look at Creed, they suck). Second of all, true Christian girls are nuns, and they’re celibate.  They’re married to God, hence the wedding rings that they wear, so they only have sex with God. Unless your idea of “rock” is hanging out and playing cribbage or something gay like that, then no, my stupid Nazi, Christian girls do not “rock” (and they don’t even put out! What the fuck is good about that!?).

I was about to make valid points that greatly deminish the credibility of Church in general (really not hard to do at all, but whatever), but instead I feel the need to make fun of more Jesus Freaks, soooo:

Because what says "I love Jesus" more than a girl showing a skimpy shit in a very promiscuous way?

Here we see what is presumably a girl with extremely leathery hands, about to take out her shirt in the name of the lord. What a SLUT. This totally goes against everything that the Bible talked about…I know, because i once read a few pages until I got bored, and decided that God was a whole bunch of bullshit.

Wait, you’re an athesist!?

No, but sort of.

Okay, please tell me you didn’t brand the word Jesus onto your entire arm. I hope for your sake that this isn’t real. You don’t need Jesus (he’s on your arm anyway) you need a psychiatrist.

Looks like Jesus forgot to save one person.

This guy was the extreme extent that a Jesus Freak can take, this dude, Stevens something or something Stevens (Rollibard might be his name?) was literally crazy about Jesus. Literally. Crazy. Thinking it was the end of the world (or something) he kidnapped some people and threatened to shoot at planes. Go figure. Jesus saves another.

The rest of this post is kind of dumb until the end. The end is funny just because of the picture.

I thought God was supposed to be forgiving? Also, where in the Bible does it say that being gay is against God? I guess you’ve spoken to God, and he told you that he hates fags. Just to let you know, people who have claimed to have “spoken to God” usually end up becoming serial killers or something. Why don’t you secretly gay nut jobs worry about yourselves? Also, you’re dragging the American Flag on the ground, and that’s illegal. Also, to the man in the yellow poncho, not only are you disrespecting yellow ponchos everywhere (which should be a crime, because who doesn’t love yellow ponchos?), you’re wearing really gay pants, and glasses during a cloudly day. In this sense, you are not only protesting against yourself, but you better be fucking blind, because glasses on a cloudy day does not make you a bad ass. Also, “Repent or Perish?” says who? You? Are you going to physically kill every gay person out there? If not, I doubt that gay people will die just because their gay. You guys are just making yourselves something to laugh at. I could protest against gays much better than you could. Too bad I have no ambition to do so.

Now it’s time to get into some other stuff:

The Essence of Jesus Freaks

God's "love" fails all the time. Like when he flooded the entire Earth, and killed pretty much everything.

A good way to describe a Jesus Freak is someone who is a freak of Jesus. Jesus freaks can’t think for themselves, so they commit every waking hour to God. What a bunch of Holy Fucking Shit. God (if he exists) didn’t create people just to have things to worship him . That would be retarded. God created people to live their lives, because he is bored and needs something to watch. If you were a God, what would you do? Life as a God would probably get pretty boring, so why not create creatures, and watch them do a shitload of different shit? That’s kind of interesting. Maybe throw a flood at them for a few laughs, who knows?

Jesus freaks thank God for everything, like their lives…..what lives? All you do with them is pray to God! You have no lives (warning, next link not safe for….err….life). Jesus Fucking Christ there is nothing more stupid than a Jesus Freak.

Want a good example of a Jesus Freak? Well, I should say more of a God Freak. Terrorists. They’re all God Freaks (or Allah freaks). They kill themselves, and think that it will get them into Heaven, where they will be given room in paradise for 100 family members, 72 virgins to fuck, 35 US dollars and a bunch more weed (I don’t make this stuff up). While on the subject of “paradise” let me just say…

Heaven is Either Impossible, or False Advertising

Just what am I ensinuating here? That Heaven doesn’t exist? That it is actually impossible for it to exist? Yes, and this time, I finally remembered my proof.

Let’s take a scenario. Well take a person, and call him……Barn. Barn is a really Holy freak. He loves everything about God and praises his name to the fullest. He does good things, gives to charity, and so on and so forth. In essence, he is a perfect deciple of God. However, paradise to him would include cutting people up, murdering people, raping women, defiling society, and doing pretty much anything he can that was violent and sinly. He has certainly lived his life by God’s word though, so he should get into Heaven, correct? HOWEVER, if Heaven is paradise, and paradise to Barn is to do all of those crazy things, then what the fuck happens? Does he not go to Heaven? This is impossible, because he has met all of the criterea. Does Heaven become a place when he can brutally kill people? No, because that goes against the word of God, who happens to run Heaven (he threw Lucifer out of Heaven for not following rules, so surly the same would apply to Barn. What we have here is called contradiction. Heaven contradicts itself…and this isn’t the only way, allow me to delve farther.

Perhaps you die and go to Heaven (lucky you!). You can’t wait to meet your family and friends up there. However, maybe they don’t want to see you. Maybe paradise for them is to be alone or with people who aren’t you. Maybe none of your friends liked you. Here we have conflicting views of paradise. How do we solve this? You will not be in paradise if you can’t be with your friends and family, but they will not be in paradise if they are with you. Someone has to lose, but Heaven is supposed to guarantee eternal happiness, so what the fuck happens?

What about a skitso? A person with multiple personalities? Say one personality is evil, and kills people literal, while the other is a saint, and prays to God always. What the fuck happens here? Do you split said skitso crazy person up? That can’t be, because it’s still one person we’re talking about. The good book says that a person, not a personality, gets into Heaven or Hell, and if the good book, wasn’t specific, then the good book has holes. And that makes God someone who does shoddy work, and it makes me more inclined to pass up on putting my belief in Him (I’m still slightly religious, I just converted to Muslim over the summer, but then changed back to Christian, sort of (I really was Muslim). I might become a Jew, so that I could have a career as a stand up comic or a lawyer, still not sure.

I have a few more scenarios, but I’m too lazy to write them (and I forgot them).

Hell Does Exist

How the fuck can I say that Hell exists when Heaven doesn’t. Well, first of all life on Earth could be considered Hell, but if that doesn’t work for you, here’s how I picture Hell:

Do you ever get one of those itches that you just can’t seem to get rid of, even if you scratch the fuck out of it? Sometimes I’ll have an itch on my finger of back of my hand or something, and I can scratch it, and it won’t go away. It will itch EVEN AS I’M SCRATCHING IT. THAT’S FUCKING ANNOYING!!!! Okay, now imagine that, IN YOUR BRAIN. If that’s not Hell, I don’t know what is. An eternal itch in your brain? I would lose my mind and try to break my head open, but the fact that Hell sucks, would not allow that to happen. You can’t get used to an itch. You can wait for it to go away, sure, but you can’t get used to it. I HATE ITCHES. However, pleasure is easy to get used to. If you give a mouse a cookie…….

Why did you write this post? Just go back to making fun of pictures, it’s more entertaining then all of this “deep” shit.

Right you are, voice of reason! Deep shit is stupid, I don’t know why I wrote those few, correct paragraphs. Anyway…..

This guy is a Jesus Freak. No actual proof on that, but seriously, what the fuck? (This picture was taken from a blog I  randomly discovered, and immediately realized was awesome)

Did anyone actually finish this post? Talk about a dumb post. I need to step it up. Queen’s Blade post next (the new episode is finally subbed).

The True Story of Thanksgiving

Oh, hello, this post is late. Oh well, I’m going to make it anyway (if it were up to me, Thanksgiving would last all November). Anyway, you thought that the Pilgrims and Indians gave thanks on Thanksgiving, and celebrated the harvest and all that bull, didn’t you? Well you were wrong. They just wanted to get drunk. I bet you also thought that they had no technology, like digital cameras. Wrong again. In fact, I have real footage from the first Thanksgiving, which actually took place on November 25th (which is coincidentally my birthday…yea I’m 22 years old and a waste of life, and I don’t care at all).

Here, we see fellow settlers from the Mayflower and local natives posing before their celebration. Take note of the small child, who won the costume contest (even though they weren’t wearing costumes, as this is how they dressed back then).

Here we see Natives and Settlers exchanging a peace treaty, a full Cornacopia for the world’s first ever Corona. Put both items together, and you have a Coronacopia (ba-dum kishhh)…..Anyone? Anyone?

Here we see Natives dressed in their attire from the time (no, they weren’t cold, they were men). Note the indian all the way to the right. He started the first casino, and was an inspiration to many.

Here, it appears as though some Indians got a hold of the fire water a bit early. Shhhhotttt doogggggg!

Here, we see an Indian embracing the ways of God, and the Puritan church. Stupid Indian, everyone knows that Puritans are hypocrites.

Here, we have the famed, Thanksgiving Asian. He was known as the only Asian during Thanksgiving (except for the other two that show up later), and was  known to drive his horse and buggy back to his hut while still a bit too rambunctious, resulting in a fender bender. He became the backbone behind the stereotype that we now refer to as “Asians can’t drive for shit.”

Here we see the first ever game of beer pong. It was a game played by Natives, and was first shown to Pilgrims (and Asians) on this fateful celebration. it appears that bicycles and garage doors were also invented during this time.

Here we see another Native custom, called, “Pin the Beer on the Beer”. In this Native game, a blindfolded native or Pilgrim is given a  paper printout of a Corona bottle, and must place it on the missing beer. I have come to believe that Natives also were able to travel through time, because they somehow got pictures of me in my flamingo outfit. Amazing.

At this point of the celebration, the Indian who had plans of building a casino had already built, and prospered from said casino, and here are two employees of him. I don’t know, they look more like ginnys pretending to be Indians.

I thought what I’d do was, I’d pretend I was one of those deaf mutes.”

Contrary to popular belief, no one ate Turkeys on Thanksgiving. Instead, they admired the hot bodies of the Turkeys, who had hot bodies.

Here we see one Indian (front) looking like a huge fag, while the Indian in the back is apparently trying to kill the hottest of the turkeys (it’s an Asian turkey I mean come on). However, The turkey fends off this Hatchet attack with an Italian Scuzzatch move (take you fingers as she is doing, and move them up and down while saying something like….ba fungul!). The Indian was not beheaded for his rash actions.

At this point in the celebration, a Pilgrim called out a Native’s mother, and moods were high and tempers flarred, due to the alcohol, and it was decided that the Pilgrim must be beheaded for the sake of Peace.

Instead of beheading the Pilgrim (seen on the left) the Pilgrims got more drunk, and played Never have I Ever, and King’s Cup, both of which are shitty games invented by Pilgrims (Puritans are boring). this game made one Indian (seen right) blackout drunk.

I have a feeling that this must be an ancestor of mine, considering that he looks God damn amazing….look at those hammys! Certainly a proud warrior….probably 22 years old.

If you’re wondering how I managed to find these true depictions of the first Thanksgiving, I have no answer for you. I just found them Happy Thanksgiving everyone (belated).