The following is an excerpt from the diary of Bill The Ass-Kicker:
It was cloudy day. The sea was as rough as an unshaven vagina. The wind was howling like an old banshee that accidentally sat on a bicycle with no seat. I was at the stern, steering the Diversity, was my old, old, wooden ship, through the waves to try and get to Gettysburg. The time was the American Civil War, and I had recently beat my crew to a pulp, after they attempted top sodomize me in the mess hall.
Suddenly, out from the depthes, spouted a tremendous beast: The Cracken. It wrapped its long, squid-like tentacles around my mast and stern, and I was sure as my name was Bill that it was trying to swallow me whole. Quickly and cunningly, I puched the Cracken in the dick and killed it. The fight was over.
I soon returned to the mainland, but all too late. The war was over, and we had won. I swiftly deflowered the womenfolk and ate their food.