Lawn Ornaments Suck

I love my lawn. My dad probably loves it more, but I take pride in how nice and green it is during spring and summer….fuck, even now it’s looking glorious (I only cut the grass and my dad does all the fertilizing, but still…PRIDE). Now I said that to say this. I was driving down the road the other day (no lie, I was driving) and I saw the following on a man/women/faggot’s lawn:

At least this one isn't some gay fuckin color like magenta.

I don’t know what the public’s obsession over shitty looking orbs are, or what’s so special about them, but I hate them. They don’t turn your house from boring into classy, they turn it from respectable to trash. But that’s just the tip of the iceberg of shit. Other ornaments can include all sorts of trash. shoes, rusty buckets, tires, and even toilets are all sadly very common in gardens. They aren’t “artsy” at all you dipshits. I know because I’m an art major (segway toward a future post about the gayness of every art student except me). Here’s an example: or some shit that should be in the trash, but were instead turned into fuck.

People are dumb. All lawn ornaments suck. The only good lawn ornament is a hot, naked, horny girl that is disease free and has sex with me always. Besides that, the only other good ornament would be a box that refills itself with money each time you open up…..or good food. But since sex slaves are illegal that’s not possible and I have yet to discover said box, I conclude that lawn ornaments suck. Don’t believe me? Maybe this true story will.

I once had a neighbor who was the man. His name was Juicy. Juicy Cranberries. We called him Juice (as in, “Yo Juice! You see that new porno!?”). Juice had it all. A great lawn, nice house, sweet car, and he was married to none other than Eva Longoria. Then one day he bought a little gnome as a lawn ornament. The next day, he woke up to find himself like this:

Needless to say, Eva was gone the next day, his car turned into a red truck, and the government napalmed his house, and then deleted it from existence. I literally live next to a literal black hole. Luckily, they put a nice chain linked fence around it, so there’s no danger. Too bad Juice……..Hillbillies generate HATE without trying.