I Am Making A Church

(The entire following post may or may not be a complete lie/fabrication)

Since the dawn of time, religion has caused wars and conflicts everywhere. The Catholics vs Protestants. Hindu vs Buddhism. Muslims vs Everyone. Even the dinosaurs had conflicts over religion. Why else do you think they died out? Well, recently I had a dream. This dream told me to provide the world with order, enlightenment, and purpose. Thusly, I am going to make a church. It will be called:

The Church of Anime

If you don't know the figure-head than Blasphemy!

“Jeff, who’s fucking head is on your church? Come to think of it…why is there a fucking head on your church?”

“Blasphemy!”

I debated for a while which anime character would become the symbol of this church, and then, after almost using Luffy (his carefree attitude and do-what-you like persona was perfect) I decided to keep it 3D if you will, and went with Rie Kugimiya, who is awesome. She plays no part in my religion (except that she does anime voices), and will only be seen on this church, which I made last night in my backyard when I was bored.

This church, The Church of Anime, will be available to only the most stout of anime and manga viewers.

This girl won’t get in:

Sorry, you lose girl. God has spoken, and he hast told me to lay the foundation of this church with fire and brimstone from the burning bush that is Lindsey Lohan’s vagina. Yes, I hast seen it. it’s a true fact that I talk to God all the time, and he told me to post these commandments on my ISSS, which he agrees, is better than a blog, in bullet form, starting with the first rule. And the first rule is:

  • You don’t talk about fight club
  • You don’t talk about fight club
  • Thou shall watch anime every day
  • Thou shall not kill……..a series for someone else by telling them spoilers
  • Anime comes before schoolwork
  • Anime comes before other religions, especially Scientology, which is just ridiculous (crazily enough, my church is more believable than Scientology)
  • Thou shall not become lazy and watch anime all day. Thou must be active and social, lest they become dumb bum glum thumb (shout out to Robert on that last part)
  • Thou must agree that anime is good, especially the ones I like

You must heed all of the advice I give, even if it means sacrificing your life to get me cheesecake, which I happen to FUCKING LOVE. Actually, at communion, we don’t give pussy bread and wine shit. Nah, fuck that it’s for pussies and homos….instead, we get fucking CHEESCAKE. Or, you can just have fried chicken and beer, which is also acceptable. I don’t know why we really need communion…or a church for that matter, but whatever.

Here is the story of the origin of my church:

It was a fine morning, when out of no where, Lindsey Lohan flashed me, revealing a fiery bush-crotch, that appears as though it had been mauled by hungry raccoons or bears or some kind of vicious beast. Anyway, I ignored it as usual, when her fire-fotch turned sideways, and spoke these words:

Isileas concodius ichi ichi opipo-po

I didn’t know what the fuck was going on, so I looked in my life guide, The Alphabet of Manliness, which I believe should have won a Pulitzer or whatever they give books these days, and swiftly gave her a headbutt to the ovaries, seen below.

That shut her fucking vagina up. But then a bush started burning, not even lying……I mean…..the last time I saw a burning bush was when George W’s grilled for me (ba-dump kishh). It spoke to me, and we had the following conversation:

“Hey, did you get my message?” asked the bush cunningly.

“What the fuck are you talking about bush?” I responded.

“I left a message on Lindsey Lohan’s vagina,” said the bush in a slightly confused but never the less articulate voice.

“I didn’t understand that mumbo-jumbo, so I gave her the nod,” I said

“Oh I see, headbutt to the ovaries eh?” asked the bush with a sense of irony.

” Yea…..wait…..bushes can’t talk….especially if they’re in the white house! (ba-dump kishh). No but really, you can’t talk,” said I, with exasperated tones.

“Believe me, I can.” shot back the bush, sounding hurt and rejected, like a girl who asked out a boy she liked, and then got punched in the face by a gorilla after the boy said no.

“Oh, is this like what happened to Moses?”

“No, he was a crazy old Jew that talked to things on fire….shit for brains that one.” exclaimed the now apparently prejudice and possibly racial bush.

“I’m not a racist,” exclaimed the bush hurriedly, as if he suddenly had diarrhea, and need to find somewhere to shit soon…..like behind a bush (that was the irony I spoke of earlier…I guess)….

“Ok then, I’ll do anything you say then.” I responded.

He told me to warn the world of the impending doom of something, but I decided I would make my own church instead. Normally, I’m not one for starting churches, but in this case, I will make an exception. I already told you about the specifics, but I forgot to mention that every Sunday is crazy shirt day, so wear a crazy shirt everybody! Also, the following is not allowed:

  • Dogs
  • Old people
  • Turkey/Chicken Pot Pie
  • Hippies
  • People who can’t take jokes seriously or have serious issues with things that are otherwise arbitrary Feminists
  • Your girlfriend (I’m talking to you Jimmy……she’s a bitch)

The whole idea behind this church is brought to you by Mel Gibson, because he made the Passion (which I refuse to see) which caused South Park to make fun of him, which caused one of his lines to be

“Now I’m going to make my own church!”

So yea. That’s the cause. My church kicks Mel Gibson in the balls. I dislike movies made by Mel Gibson…..Apocalypto? SUCKED HORSE ASS. That is all.

EDIT: I’m not even going to try to fix my grammer/spelling/english in this post. It’s just too much.