The Vicious Battle Between Sugar and Meat

Both of these things are key parts to my diet. I can not go a day without either. One time I did. I LITERALLY FUCKING DIED. Luckily, at birth I was spliced with cat DNA, so I have 7 more lives left. (the other death involved a tennis racket, three ping pong balls, and a bag of frozen fish sticks….you can probably figure out the details).

So which is better? Glorious Meat or Life-Sustaining Sugar? The Battle Rages!

MEAT


MEAT. It is why man exists. In fact, all men need meat to live. But what makes it so good is that it’s the sure sign of a man. Want some proof? Here is the awesomest sandwich ever concocted that I have seen:

If you aren't hungry right now, you have ovaries.

Now that’s a sandwich, found by Robert. Check out these stats:

Calories………….4,889……….+2,889

Sat. Fat………….199g………..460 percent

Cholesterol……,744mg………248 percent

Sodium……….10,887mg…….454 percent

Carbs…………….354g…………118 percent

Most people would immediately have a heart failure following consumption of this sandwich. They’re called pussies. However, this isn’t about you in particular. This is about me, and my needs. I need meat daily to function. One time there was no meat in the house, and after wandering around, opening and closing cabinets and the refrigerator about six thousand, nine hundred and forty six times, I drove to the store and bought 4 pounds of ground beef, which I ate right there in the store. Afterwards, I tore off my shirt and roared, “I AM MAN! ARRRRGGH!! ~chyuu”. (I don’t know why I yelled that last part (the ~chyuu) but I did). I then bench-pressed a car.

SUGAR

Sugar, spice, and everything nice, is a NON-REAL FALSE INCORRECT WEIRD STATEMENT. Since sugar is everything nice, you are actually saying, “Sugar, spice, and sugar.” which makes you sound like a retard. Sugar is all that is Glothelegend. I need sugar daily to live. If there is no cake, cookies, brownies, etc, availible to me, I will move on and devour frosting, chocolate chips, and even Hershey’s syrup, until those resources are gone. When these are gone, I WILL FUCKING DIE. I am like a voracious eater, except instead of people, I eat SUGAR. And here is  TRUE STORY about how sugar almost caused me to fail a test (I may have said this once before).

I was sitting in class one day, taking an Earth Science test. For those of you who don’t know, Earth Science is the easiest subject ever made, especially since my teacher liked to add funny questions with obvious answers to the tests. As I sat there I began reading the second question. I got about two words in, when I remembered a Friends episode that was on the night before, that somehow involved really good cheesecake. This was mildly funny, since I don’t really watch a lot of Friends. I shook it off and began to re-read the question. Here’s where it gets out of hand a bit. I got 2 words in again, and wouldn’t you know it, Cheesecake pops back into my head. I tried to focus and read this question, but cheesecake apparently had other, more sinister plans in store for me, as it WOULD NOT LET ME FINISH THE DAMN QUESTION. Now, I thought to myself, “This is ridiculous. I can’t finish this question because of cheesecake!” The more I thought about it, the funnier it became, until finally, I was literally LAUGHING MY ASS OFF in the MIDDLE OF A TEST. Needless to say, everyone was staring at me as if I was crazy. I had to excuse myself from the room and take a 5 minute walk to calm down. IT WAS FUCKING FUNNY. Anyway, long story long, I went out and bought a cheesecake right after school. It was fucking awesome. (when I get a craving from cheesecake, stay out of my way, I once stole my roomates car to get some. (I actually borrowed it with permission, but “stole” sounds more bad-ass).

Another fun fact: Sometimes I’ll eat just plain old white sugar straight up, no chaser. Also, a cup or two of sugar tastes good on cereal, and when the cereal is gone, it’s tasty to scoop the sugar on the bottom of the bowl with your spoon, and eat that with the milk. I bet I’m the only one who does that.

WHICH ONE IS BETTER?

Jesus shit! This is hard, but I feel like meat has the better upside, because it gets you strong and puts hair on your chest, where as sugary stuff may give you super powers, but it also rots your teeth, therefore,

MEAT CONQUERS ALL

(But I still love sugar)

I am still winning the challenge

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4 thoughts on “The Vicious Battle Between Sugar and Meat

  1. If sugar wasn’t the worst thing for you to ever eat ever then sugar wins, no question. You can add sugar to everything but you can’t add meat to everything. Wait, maybe. But anyway sugar is better.
    But meat is actually necessary for people to live unless you’re a dumbfuck vegan who for some reason thinks that omnivores shouldn’t be eating meat and will live an unhealthy, sickly life of faggotry along with gay sex so I guess meat wins.
    But I think sugar wins.

  2. Actually I think sugar is in everything so sugar wins anyway.

    Probably? Sugar is probably in everything.

    I mean natural sugars. Although sugar is indeed added to everything.

    ok

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