The following might offend. Sorry about that.
Dear Hobos of the World,
I’m sick and tired of dealing with your shit. You sit on your street corners twittling your thumbs and talking to people that aren’t there, all the while expecting us, the working class citizens, to pay or your cheap McDonald’s food. You know what hobo? See that stick over there? I may just hit you with it. I am not your servant. If your going to take my money, at least brandish a weapon and take some God damn initiative. Don’t just beg. Jesus Christ, you know what? Here’s a list, check it twice, and beat yourself down with a two by four.
Exhibit A) You are a lazy good for nothing SLOTH.
Have you ever seen a sloth, hobo? No of course not, because you don’t have enough money to go to the zoo can’t fucking read, and have no access to Internet, which makes me think: “WHY THE FUCK AM I WRITING THIS FUCKING SHIT?” Your laziness is surpassed only by those of the hippies, and that’s not good. If there’s one thing I hate more than a hippie, its a feminist, but hobos are probably somewhere up there too.
Exhibit B) You are fucking AWKWARD TO BE AROUND.
I’ll be walking down the street, when all of the sudden, a random hobo will come up to me and start talking all sorts of gibberish.
“What are you trying to say hobo?”
“Errky derky kishi moo puntunggggg.”
“What? What’s that? Is Timmy stuck in the well? What? WHAT ARE YOU SAYING YOU FUCKING HOBO!?”
Listen to me hobo, I have enough on my plate, and I really don’t have time to learn a new language, so pipe down and return to your box. What am I supposed to do now? I was walking with my girlfriend, and she finally agreed to have sex with me. Now she just got VERBALLY ASSAULTED BY A HOBO! DO YOU KNOW THE TRAUMA YOU MAY HAVE CAUSED? WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO SAY TO YOU?
Exhibit C) What’s that SMELL?
Ohhhh. It’s hobo. Until Ralph Lauren comes out with a cologne titled “Hobo’s Sensation”, your stench is going to stick out like a sore thumb (how exactly do sore thumbs stick out? My thumbs been sore before, and no one ever said anything to me like, “Hey nice thumbs! What are they…sore or something?”). Here’s a plan, it’s called bathing. Fuck, all you have to do is find a bathroom, get some soap (you can just take it and put it in your pocket, no one will care), and jump in a body of water. Easy. Such a simple solution to solve your smell. This way, when we catch a waft of liquor, at least it won’t come with a side odor (get it, side order…..odor) of human waste (oh yea you can afford liquor but nothing else….learn how to save your money idiot). You know what? I’ve had it. We’re through here.
By the way, in case you aren’t aware, I am flat broke right now, and have no job (luckily I am in college, so I have avoided NEET status). I’m pretty much a hobo, except I have a place to live, and I will have a job in May. Also, I take care of myself and make sure I dazzle people with my appearance. Besides, if I really needed money, I will rob you. As for this post, I don’t even see any hobos in my daily life, except when I go to the city, which I haven’t been to since winter break (and I spent all my money there). But I do get my share of hobos trying to interfere with my affairs, and I DON’T LIKE IT.