The Quest for Manliness

Are you man enough? Recently, a friend of mine created in all likely hood the greatest event ever established. This event will test men in almost every category of strength and brawn, and I will be participating in this event during the course of the summer. I helped slightly with the planning, although he refused to take many of my ideas, like Knife Throwing, to heart. here is the event as written by Robert William Palko:

This is to be a summer for the ages. With the shitstorm that is going on in today’s society, including, but not limited to, Nancy Boys, Silly Sallys, and metro bordering on homo sexuality, some men – the MANLIEST of men – see a new age dawning. Help us to usher in the new era of manliness with the now monthly summer competition erected to glorify the Gods of Manliness. This event is none other than THE QUEST FOR MANLINESS.

To quote Thomas Paine, a very manly man himself,

“These are the times that try men’s lives. The summer soldier and the sunshine patriot will, in this crisis, shrink from the service of their manliness; but he that stands by it now, deserves the love of hot bisexual women and the admiration of his fellow men. The tyranny of metrosexual culture, like Hell, is not easily conquered;yet we have this consolation with us, that the harder the conflict, the more glorious the triumph. What we obtain too cheap, we esteem too lightly; it is manliness and brawn only that gives every thing its value.”

Also, to quote Medea, who – although a woman – knew the greatest insult to call Jason the Argonaut:

“O coward in every way, that is what I call you, with bitterest reproach for your lack of manliness”

Still wondering what this glorious competition in celebration of manliness is?

Every month there will be a competition – a decathlon wasn’t manly enough, what with its mere 10 events, so we will have an icosathalon. A 20 EVENT COMPETITION TO DETERMINE WHO IS THE GREATEST MAN. The events will be as follows.

FEATS OF BRAWN:
Pushups
Bicep Pullups
Tricep Pullups
Bench Press
Grappling
Baseball Long Toss
Discus Toss
40 Yard Dash
Long Jump
Arm Wrestling
Vertical Leap

FEATS OF ENDURANCE:
1/4 Mile Sprint
Wall Sits
Car Pushing
Log Carrying
Stomach Punching
Pike Position

FEATS OF SPIRIT:
Boasting
Meat Eating

AND THE CONCLUDING RACE, THE ONE RACE TO RULE THEM ALL.

Interested? You DAMN well should be. Anyone who wants in, feel free to hit me up, we are always looking to add to the growing population of true MANLY MEN.

The end. I for one can’t wait to  show off my brawn by pushing cars and punching others in the stomach. Another event I would have liked to see was boulder tossing, but apparently he isn’t in to that sort of thing.

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