Fight Ippatsu! Juudan-chan!!: Wow. Just Wow.

First of all, I would like to extend some birthday wishes to my friend and colleague, Oballer, as he finally has turned 21, and is now a man. I don’t have money and I don’t buy presents, but take pride in knowing that you’ll be getting a huge boost in views courtesy of the link I just provided.

Just when you thought that you would have to wait until the next season of Queen’s Blade to see fanservice become ridiculous, here comes

Fight Ippatsu! Juuden-chan!!

I expected fanservice, but not this.

Okay, so there aren’t scantily clad warriors with huge tits running around, and the plot seems to be at least a little bit more normal (for an anime). But man, Japanese people and their shit.

Premise: A girl named Plug comes from a parrallel dimension, and their jobs in said dinemsion include coming to our dimension to “charge” people up, if their “happiness” level is C or higher. Let me explain this a bit better. Here are the levels of happiness (that’s not really what they’re called, but that’s what they are):

  1. A: Most Depressed, could commit suicide.
  2. B: Depressed. Humans become unmotivated and tired, and in the end, their hearts can become weak.
  3. C: Slightly Depressed. Life energy begins to drop.
  4. D: I don’t even know if there is a “D”. I haven’t seen one, so I’ll assume that there isn’t for whatever reason.
  5. E: Happy, normal.
  6. F: Best.

Plug’s job is to charge those with C-Level depression, to make them happier. She apparently she sucks at it.

Even though Plug can not be seen by people in “our world”, one poorly animated dude named Sentou can randomly see her for no real reason at all:

What's up with this dude's nose? It looks like a piece of shit. Did the animators even try?

What's up with this dude's nose? It looks like a piece of shit. Did the animators even try? This dude is made out of scribbles. His sideburns and eyebrows are the same way. This is going to piss me off for the rest of this show, if I decide not to drop it.

Is the animation poor? Not really, but the character design of Sentou is one of the worst I have ever seen. Anyway, this episode centers around Sentou’s sister, who is a C-Level. On to the fanservice.

Yes, I compared this show to Queen’s Blade. I never thought that any show could be compared to such a borderline porn as Queen’s Blade. But look what I’ve found:

She pissed herself.

Oh look, more piss.

Wow, more piss.

What is it with girls pissing themselves in anime? If they were trying to make the whole “lol she pissed herself” thing humorous, then they really botched it, because it wasn’t that funny. Man, she’s really goin’ for it on that last one. Anyway, somewhere in the middle of the show, they decided to randomly show some tentacle rape in the form of a TV show that Plug randomly started watching:

Random tentacle rape.

There was absolutely no point to having this put in the show. It wasn't even funny, really.

One last thing, the ED. (I don’t remember seeing an OP, come to think of it). I thought that the song was pretty good. As for the video, it was 100% pointless fanservice. This show might as well be porn. Look, even the landmarks in the ED served as fanservice:

It's a Tit-Jetty!

The ED get's my approval, just because this scene is awesome.

Here’s the full thing in case you were curious:

There are two ways this show could go, it could get pretty damn funny, or pretty damn bad. This show looks pretty bad. I might even say it sucks. It’s not really that funny (I thought it would be a lot funnier). The jokes aren’t….well…..they’re aren’t really any jokes. It’s all just fanservice with a stupid plot. I mean, fanservice can be great if used correctly, but this is just dumb. I’ll continue watching it, but I’m not going to guarantee finishing it (I usually try to finish shows, but I’m going to start being more aggressive with them. ie, if it sucks, it’s gone). maybe I should start watching previews:

NOTE: I’m almost positive that that’s the OP (not the ED), but for some reason it showed up it at the end of the episode (at least on the torrent I downloaded). Assume that for every time I said “ED” in this post I meant “OP”.

Umi Monogatari: First Imp-yaaawwwwnn-ressions

If I suddenly stop posting in a few weeks, expect it to be because I died of boredom due to viewing this damn show.

Umi Monogatari

Summer has arrived.

Okay so it’s not really that bad (in fact, it’s quite good), but the OP sure is (boring):

If that’s not the most boring OP you’ve seen, then you aren’t me, because it’s the most boring OP I’ve ever seen. And you know what’s REALLY funny? The person who put this video on YouTube? Said person’s name is SleepSubpuntNL. SLEEPsub. SLEEP. Get it? The OP is really boring and the dude’s name is SLEEPsubpuntNL. SLEEP. SLEE- okay enough of that shit. The ED is kind of the same deal, although I will admit that I like the music throughout the course of the show (which is kind of the same type of music as the OP and ED)…..go figure.

Believe it or not, I actually find that I kind of like the show (this is the same for every first impressions post I’ve ever written ever….except Moon Phase, which sucks, and is on hold) and it’s characters especially. The animation seems pretty damn good too, although I did just watch a bunch of Asura Cryin’.

Premise: What better way to kick off the summer season then with a beach show, eh? The grand scheme of this banger is that a ring floats down from somewhere above the surface of the ocean, and is found by a girl named Marin. Marin lives underwater. No, she’s not a mermaid, she actually looks like a normal human (except the ears). She and her sister, Urin, decide to go up to the surface to give it back to her. Now, I will tell you that the whole show isn’t going to be about giving the ring back to this girl (who is an AWESOME character, and will probably be my favorite of the summer season, or at least my top 5), as the ring seems to just be a catalyst for other events that will be happening. Basically, They find Kanon, who threw the ring (that her now ex boyfriend gave her) into the water, because she didn’t want it anymore. A bunch of other stuff happens, but I’m not going to tell you.

Now. as for the characters, which I believe, coupled with the seemingly strong animation, could be the catalyst for me liking the show (that’s the second time I used catalyst….I need to broaden my vocabulary). There’s got to be a reason why I like her character so much…..what can it be?

Evil Aura is Awesome Aura

She’s just awesome. The show appears to be awesome too, for the time being.

FINAL LOOK

Good Points:

  • Characters
  • Animation (I expected Akikan animation, so maybe I’m over valuing this show in this aspect)
  • Story (seems decent)
  • While there is fanservice (what show doesn’t have fanservice now), it’s not the kind that is blatant. It’s tastefully amusing. Most of the times, it will be pointed out or exemplified by other, minor characters in the show (usually men staring at hiney).

Not So Good Points:

  • I an see this show falling apart or losing my interest pretty easily. As long as Kanon stays cool, then this really shouldn’t be an issue.
  • I don’t like some of the costumes.

I picked this up because I thought it would be bad (if that makes any sense at all), but I find myself presently surprised. Can’t wait for more summer shows to start coming out! WEEEEEEE what am I, 4 years old?

EDIT: I should point out that I only watched the first 7 seconds of the ED. I have since watched it in it’s entirety, and have come to the conclusion that I still don’t like it. It’s too “cutey-wootsy-little-bootsie” for me, and I just don’t like it. I mean, it’s not the worst ED I’ve seen, and I don’t necessarily hate it, but no, it’s not to my liking. Thank you for your patronage.

Kurokami: Holy Shi-

Okay okay okay…….first of all, let me explain my odd, staggered viewing schedule regarding Kurokami: The Animation. I started watching it when there were about 7 episodes released, and I caught up in no time at all, but then I abruptly stopped watching it after episode 12 (it was a perfect stopping point…Wikipedia says that there are two seasons, and 12 is the end of season 1, but that’s bullshit because usually seasons have a break in between). Then I waited. I waited until it was over, and then I steamrolled my way through the second half. Why did I do this? Because Kurokami is one of those shows that, once I start an episode, I can’t stop watching it until the series is over. (aka addictive).

Kurokami: The Animation

I hated Kuro at first, but she transforming into an awesome character.

Okay, where is all of the talk about how awesome this show is? Considering that it kicks more ass than Bill the Ass-Kicker, people should be yelling to the skies, “KUROKAMI IS AWESOME!” I myself want to bellow it from the top of a mountain. But I don’t have a mountain, I have an ISSS, and today’s thoughts in Glo the Legend’s world go a little something like:

KUROKAMI IS AWESOME!

Premise: The coolest shit ever….okay maybe not the coolest, but the plot was good enough to keep me interested. I’m not even going to explain the Doppleliner System and Terra and all that awesomenesss, because it’s too fucking cool. Especially the second half. It blew my fucking mind.

I mean, sure, toward the end, Kurokami may have completely ripped off Zelda: Ocarina of Time, with it’s own version of Koume and Kotake, Twinrova:

Koume and Kotake?

Fire:

fire 1

fire 2

And Frost:

frost 1

frost 2

The plot was pretty much irreverent through my eyes. It could have been about the dumbest things ever. The main reason why I liked this show was because it had some of the sickest action sequences that I’ve seen in a while. Sick poses and quick paced movements, coupled with sweet moves gave this anime an aggressive, in your face, smash hammer mallet feel that I haven’t felt in a while. Now, before you think I’m completely riding the Kuro-cock, let me talk about all of the bad things (which are obviously spoilers durrr):

Very Bad Things (not the movie….I hated that movie):

  • First of all, Akane was the stupidest character ever in the world. I just didn’t like her. First of all, she looked fucking retarded. Second of all, she didn’t have any real purpose (until the end, where she had a rather large purpose, but she was still pointless throughout, and was mainly a nuisance) not to mention she wore way too much lipstick (I’m serious, how old was Akane……..34? She looked like it). She was too tall….she looked like some kind of Dutch freak (definitely not Japanese…didn’t look Japanese at all). I wanted her to die or something (that’s morbid) but instead she marries Keitain the last episode. Talk about shitty.
  • Second of all, there was so much cliche bullshit that it wasn’t even funny. During the final final fight, where Keita merges with Akane’s massive terra, Kuro says, “I can not only feel their terra, but their feelings too.” Give me a fucking break. The only thing that saved that scene was the nasty fighting sequence that followed shortly thereafter. I mean, there was cliche bullshit all over this show. All this “defeating fate” crap. Do you know the definition of fate?

fate // (ft)

n.

1.

a. The supposed force, principle, or power that predetermines events.
b. The inevitable events*** predestined by this force.
2. A final result or consequence; an outcome.
3. Unfavorable destiny; doom.
4. Fates Greek & Roman Mythology The three goddesses, Clotho, Lachesis, and Atropos, who control human destiny. Used with the.
***INEVITABLE EVENTS. You can’t change something that is inevitable. I hate shows where the main characters “defeat fate”. I call bullshit on that.
  • Kuro’s hair. Was it black? Was it red? Just what’s going on there?
  • That stupid dog.
  • The moves may have been kind of cool, but the names sucked…..Mega Cannon? Mega Exe (short for exceed I’m assuming)? I mean, I thought that Kuro would  have three moves: First, Mega Exe, then Giga Exe. This progression did in fact happen, but where was the Tera Exe (as in Terabyte/Terra)? Not only does it continue the pattern that I thought was developing, but it also makes reference to the power that they use to produce such moves. I guess double innuendos are too smart for this creative bunch of idiots.
  • A bunch of other minor things that I noticed but now forgot.
Now, that’s a lot of stuff that I didn’t like, and some of it was kind of major (like the plot of defeating fate…..no way I should give this anime anything more than a 4, right?). Well….I’ll admit I didn’t like a lot of things, but what’s really impressive about this anime, is that the fighting, and overall plot development (besides the “fate” shit) made me forget all of the crappy aspects of this show, and instead gaze in awe at the awesomeness of it. If a show can make you overlook it’s faults, then that’s saying something.
Every single episode I sat there and shook my head. “This is fuckin awesome.” I would mutter to my self. I thought that this anime was good, and if it had not been for the bullshit that surrounded it, maybe it would have gotten a better grade than a
FINAL GRADE = 5

The bullshit brought it down two grades, too bad.

Anime Genres – Hentai

NOTE: I wrote this post, and then re-read it. After doing so, I decided to add “two categories that hentai fall into”. I then did a search for “gross hentai” (because I decided, “Maybe I should research some of this”……BAD IDEA. So yea, read this with the notion that I went back through and added stuff, which I put in parenthesis, or added after cross outs. I don’t care about the quality of this post. Everything got messed up kind of. I may contradict myself several times. Feel free to rip this post to shreds with your words, print the page out, and burn it. I’m not re-reading it again….I just can’t do it.

My last “Anime Genre” was “slice of life”, which was apparently “the most epic fail of all time”. Well I’m back, and this time I’m covering something a little more……..well……..it’s porn. First, let’s get a definition:

Hentai (変態 or へんたい?) Hentai.ogg listen (help·info) is a Japanese word that, in the West, is used when referring to sexually explicit or pornographic comics and animation, particularly Japanese anime, manga and computer games (see Japanese pornography). In Japan it can be used to mean “metamorphosis” or “abnormality”. The word “hentai” has a negative connotation to the Japanese and is commonly used to mean “sexually perverted“. God damn weird, and most times, extremely funny.

(Taken from Wikipedia, yea, I used it again)

I don’t need to explain this, really. If you like anime/have watched porn on a pornsite/are alive, you know by now what hentai means.

  • America (sorry), The West= Anime Porn
  • Japan = Any Porn (put an H in front of something and it becomes porn, H Anime= Porn Anime……this could be totally wrong, feel free to call me out on it if it is.)

So, what do I think about hentai (anime)? Well, I don’t find pleasure in it, but I’m not going to feign ignorance in believing that hentai is unpopular, and that there aren’t millions of people who twank their crank to animated whores getting their round the world from some animated penis. I mean, there are plently of porn sites that list “hentai” as a category. It’s pretty much become accepted as a porn type. I personally think cartoon porn and gay stuff like that falls into two categories:

  1. Funny
  2. Weird/Borderline Gross (I was going to actually show examples of “gross hentai”…..but I severely underestimated exactly what “gross hentai” entailed. I dare you to type in “gross hentai” in google with ther preferences at the lowest setting. I DARE YOU. I almost threw up, and was forced to add another category (I should mention that I had written this whole post, and came back and added these 3 things, so I will now re-review this post and cross things out, and add things in based on the search of “gross hentai”:
  3. Extremely Wrong in every possible way possible ever.

I read enough anime blogs to know what hentai is, and all of the weird odds and ends of it (I apparently knew nothing. I have now seen things, although briefly, that make the following image seem tasteful). I mean, weird hentai is one of the oldest forms of porn there is (this can no longer be weird hentai….I think this is normal hentai…this whole post has been turned upside down. My veiws of hentai are altered. Black is down, up is white):

Katsushika Hokusai - Dream of the Fishermans Wife (1820)

Katsushika Hokusai - Dream of the Fishermans Wife (1820)

Okay, I first saw this “famous work of art” in my art history class about a year ago. The first thing I thought of was hentai, not going to lie. I laughed my ass off during class, and everyone looked at me weird. “This is the original tentacle rape,” I thought to myself. “Man,” I thought, “Who draws this stuff?” I guess Japan is just pervertedly advanced as a nation (understatement….wtf, Japan!?).

Do I find hentai arousing? No. To be honest, I do not. Certainly not for shucking my corncob. FUCK NO. I’m a 3-D guy through and through. Hentai is good for 2 things:

  1. Making me laugh my balls off.
  2. Weirding me out big-time.
  3. Scaring the shit out of me.

Well, I guess technically I could say yes , if you consider hentai to be normal porn of normal women from the country of Japan (which I no longer believe it to be at all). I mean I’ve got a thing for the Japanese babes. They float my boat (although there are many, many exceptions to this).

Hmmm…..you know, after looking at that last picture (or link), I don’t think I like Japanese girls anymore (complete and utter lie). That was so far opposite of sexy that I cringed. I think Latinas are the new me (not really, although they are really fucking hot….I see you Vida Guerra). A certain friend would agree with that (the fact that latinas are smokin). This certain friend also believes that I like liked Japanese women only because they’re as close to anime girls as I could get. I can’t say that this is true, I mean, I was obsessed with Japan (and their women) long before I found anime. Anime just kind of came from my Japanese obsession. But yea, I used to have many pictures of certain Japanese hotties (devoid of clothes) on my computer (it comes with the title of “most perverted bloggers”…..of course, this title is wrong since this is an ISSS). Time out for pictures:

The Good:

Asian = Okay Good.

The Bad:

I shouldn't say bad. I mean, if I thought that pictures of anime girls looked bad I wouldn't watch anime (frankly I think anime looks cool, which is one of the reasons I started watching it). I should say, "not arousing."

I shouldn't say bad. I mean, if I thought that pictures of anime girls looked bad I wouldn't watch anime. They're athstetically pleasing but not arousing in the least. If this girl was real, she would be hot (and probably not Japanese...anime characters rarely look Asian), but she's got the cartoon eyes and the non realness, and......I dunno I just can't get into it. This is a long ass caption. This is tasteful and good, but now it's even more less arousing than before. This is still the longest caption ever though.

This is not, “the bad”. “The bad” is anything found in the search of “gross hentai”. I have a feeling that I’m going to get a lot of negativity/spam from this post.

The Funny:

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA THIS IS WHY HENTAI IS FUNNY AS FUCK.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA THIS IS WHY HENTAI IS FUNNY AS FUCK. (is this really hentai? Or comedy? I can't see anyone getting turned on by this....then again there's some seriously perverted shit out there. (this is still really funny, even after the re-review)

If I saw a picture of a hot, naked Asian babe, I’d simply right click and save (who wouldn’t?). Sometimes they would save as files named, soso959854, and other times they would be something like asian_japan_6948, other times, they would be something like 1.hentai_94483. I didn’t bother renaming them, that’s a fucking hassle. So I guess technically, if you really look into it, I do find hentai arousing (but not the cartoon kind……that’s just weird…I have a good analogy at the end of this page). However, these all disappeared during the Great Computer Crash of 08 (the second of two that year), and I have since abstained from storing any provocative images on my computer since (even though all of my computer problems are always hardware related, and have nothing to do with viruses).

Do I hate people who enjoy hentai (anime)? Hell no. Not at all. I mean, as long as they aren’t obsessed with it, and/or talk about it all the time, and/or mention how “That girl over there isn’t as hot as Rei from NGE.” I mean sure in the past I would probably make fun of someone and beat their ass with a large wooden stake, but I have become a lot more accepting of people and their likes and dislikes during this past year (exceptions include hobos, feminists, and hippies especially, they could all explode in a giant fireball and die for all I care….oh, and throw the animal activists in there too, they’re fucking gay), so no (unless you enjoy any hentai found after performing the search “gross hentai” in google). I still might make fun of you a little (I mean…..c’mon, you watch cartoon porn), but it would just be to bust your balls, I honestly am unbothered by anyone who watches hentai (unless it’s gross….then just don’t tell me). Watch to your hearts content (or seek help), I don’t give a shit.

I mean, what percent of anime watchers indulge in animated porn? My guess would probably be around 73%. Maybe even higher (I pulled that out of my ass…maybe it’s 5% and I’m an idiot (I somehow doubt that). Most bloggers that I like probably find themselves engrossed in it from time to time, but I still read their sites, and I don’t think less of them either except for the fact that they’re fucking pieces of shit.

Have I ever watched hentai? Well, duh, I wouldn’t write this otherwise. I remember at this kid’s house one day, we (me, him, and Matthew Parrotti) were recording for Loo$e Change, and randomly came across a hentai clip, and it was fucking hilarious. I literally laughed until my sides hurt. I don’t remember what it was (it was mainly funny to me because of the shock value, as I had never known about this (you want shock value, type in “gross hentai” in google).

I mean, I’m pretty sure the story lines are ridiculous too (all porn is like that really). So there’s no point for me to watch hentai. Of course, I’ve watched Queen’s Blade, and even though it’s not technically hentai, it’s still pretty bad Queen’s Blade was awesome,  and pretty close to hentai. not even close to hentai. Here’s a picture of some hentai that I didn’t draw in paint:

How can people find this sexy?

How can people find this sexy? I didn't draw this in MS Paint...

THIS POST IN A NUTSHELL

Anime: Awesome. I love it.

Hentai: Weird. Not jerk-off material.

3-D: My preference.

Japan: Pervertedly advanced. (And fucking weird).

MY ANALOGY: Jerking off to hentai is like jerking off to a manaquin.

If you can successfully jerk off to a manaquin, that’s amazing, and you probably need a girlfriend. Of course, I haven’t gotten any action in a while, so I can’t really talk, and also, if you can jerk off to a manaquin, I’m sure you can do the same to an actual girl.

“I only like 2-D.”

I hear that a lot in anime, but I don’t believe that it’s possible. You’re saying that if a hot, naked girl stripped off your clothes and started sucking your dick, you wouldn’t feel the least bit aroused? That’s defies human nature and reproduction.

Bottomline: The Genre of Hentai……I just ignore it. You can throw some tits in an anime and I certainly won’t mind, but don’t expect the same reaction from seeing tits in a real movie.

Other Bottomline:

Is hentai weird? Without a doubt.

Is it kind of fucked up? Um, yes. AT TIMES, VERY.

Is it the most perverted porn type out there? NO WAY IN HELL. Here is a list of more perverted things:

  • I once saw 2 girls 1 cup. Not sure if that was porn, but I gagged, and I bet there are people that didn’t.
  • Personally, gay porn.
  • Shemale porn.
  • Bukkake (it’s just……no)
  • The shit with the whips and chains (I hate that shit….you know like the Gimp from Pulp Fiction? All that leather shit? Weirds me out man)
  • Brazillion Farting
  • BESTIALITY (that shit is FUCKED)

I mean, when you think about it in context to the previously listed types of porn, then an animated scene of two people fucking almost seems clean and justly. (I still find it pretty funny though).

I somehow forgot how creative the mind can be, and also how fucked up it can be…..not only are all of these things all possible in hentai, but the frequencies are heightened, and new categories (such as gore WTF SERIOUSLY) can be created. I honestly don’t know what to thing. I should have never typed in “gross hentai”. My night is ruined. I’ll never get hard again…….time to go jerk off…..

Suzumiya Haruhi no Yuuutsu 3: The Same as Last Episode! Or is it just deja vu?

This episode was the same as last episode:

Wasn't this last episode? Must be deja vu...

O-Bon...again!? Must be deja vu....

The same part time job? Must be deja vu...

So all of this stuff, that I thought happened last episode, is happening again. Of course, Kyon sort of realizes this too, but dismisses it as deja vu. But then something happens that not only makes last episode a lot better, but also……..well……it makes last episode better. I mean, I kind of expected (from the first scene with Kyon watching TV) that this would be the case.

Endless recurssion of time? Sounds like dej- Oh wait a minute.

So apparently the SOS brigade, and everyone on Earth has been repeating Haruhi’s summer vacation, because Haruhi has something that she subconsciously wants to do. Everyone’s memories reset each time, although Kyon and company realize it’s happening, because their closer to Haruhi. However, they mostly dismiss it as deja vu. The only one who has kept their memories for every recursion was Nagato, and she’s gone through this cycle how long?

What.....wow...

15,498 times.....wow.

Wow…..holy shit actually. How many days is that?

Yea, I'd be bored.

594 YEARS....Holy wow.

So how do they get out of this predicament? Well, Haruhi wants to do something, and they need to know what it is. However, nothing can be accomplished, and Kyon goes to bed ready to start the whole thing over again.

Thoughts and Shit: This episode makes the last one 60.78 times better exactly. I love things that deal with time. This show is kicking ass, and it only just hit me that Haruhi is actually BACK. This episode ends with a lot of anticipation, and I can’t wait for the next one.

UNRELATED SIDE NOTE: Kurokami is awesome. I should be finished tonight, as I marathoned the second half. It’s awesome. Awesome action. Awesomeness, even if the animation is sometimes lacking.

Search Post Episode 2

That’s right, here is another one.

hjhhhh

Today we will examine: “one piece” nami porn, funny anime boobs, and, my favorite, bumps on the penis shaft.

“one piece” nami porn

This dude has class. I mean, he remembered to incorperate the quotations around One Piece…..oooo, but he forgot the rules regarding Proper Nouns. He should have written “One Piece” Nami porn. Of course, while that would make it better grammatically, it still does not take away from he fact that you are looking up One Piece Nami porn, none, of which you will find on my site.

funny anime boobs

I wanna meet this guy. In fact, I’m going to type this in and see what comes up……yea basically just anime porn. Although I did see this, which was funny:

Mai Otome was a great show.

bumps on the penis shaft

Ummm…….yea, I don’t have anything here about bumps on the penis shaft, but I’m pretty sure that if you have them, you should consult your physician. Apparently this guy wasn’t done though, because someone later typed in “penis bumps”. Just goes to prove, if you ain’t got a jacket, don’t start the racket. (I just made that up bitch).

anime cerix

I just noticed this one. Why would you want to see an anime cervix? That’s just weird, in several different way. That wouldn’t turn me on if it wasn’t anime. That’s just……blachh.

Well so ends another fine day. I’ve been really busy with family stuff, so I’m barely putting posts out or watching any anime, and this was kind of a filler, although I did find the penis bumps thing funny….I woder what my related posts list will look like?

Queen’s Blade: Ridiculous Review

Queen’s Blade was poorly written, had horrible characters, was nothing but ridiculous fan service, and was one of the best shows this spring.

Queen’s Blade

The essence of Queen's Blade

Premise: Boobs and ass.

I’m just going to ignore the whole plot pretty much, because this show is mainly about the characters, (and their boob size, which I’m ignoring)

Characters: (-3 to +3) Totals: -15 = Horrid 15 = Amazing

Reina: If you have followed my reviews of episodes throughout the season, then you know by now that I hate Reina. Her character design sucks. Her personality, or lack there of, sucks. Her fighting sucks (until she randomly got better randomly during one episode). She just sucks. I hate her. Can’t wait to see her fall off several cliffs next season.

-3

Nanael: Deformed Angel. Sometimes she is cool, but she’s also so stupid sometimes that she’s annoying. For a while she was my favorite character, and then I hated her. Now? I don’t know, she was alright.

0

Risty: Okay character. She didn’t do much, and only stole once. She’s supposed to be a thief, I’d like to see her steal everything.

0

Elina: Awesome lesbian/incest sister of Reina. She’s actually cool, even though I don’t condone incest.

+1

Claudette: Fucking stupid stuck up bitch. I didn’t like her. Also, she failed at killing Reina. Worthless.

-2

Melona: Reminds me of skin cancer (melanoma). She can squeeze acid from her tits. They once blew up. Rie Kugimiya.

+1

Echidna: Another cool character, because she wore a snake as underwear, and that’s cool. Is she my favorite? No. My favorite is that elf who appears in one episode, and then again briefly during the last episode (Nowa’s master). I can’t remember her name, but they should have used her more.

+3

Shizuka: One of the actual good characters. Her and tomoe are a great pairing.

+3

Tomoe: A great pairing with Shizuka. Dare I say? Shizmoe?

+2

Nowa: Stupid loli bitch. You have no breasts, thus you have no place in this anime. Put on some God damn underwear you whore.

-2

Airi: Awesome lesbian maid.

+1

Menace: Stuck up bitch. She looks cool though with that Egyptian attire, however, her cat staff thingy is a guy, and guys aren’t allowed in Queen’s Blade. Stop breaking the rules bitch.

-1

Cattleya: She’s the funniest character from the funniest episode. Her tits are so ridiculous in size that it’s ridiculous. She loves to suffocate her child with her bosom.

+3

That’s all of them I think…..well….all of the important ones. So based on this, my overall view of the characters in this show is

FINAL CHARACTER GRADE: 6

Pretty good, especially considering that Reina sucks, and she’s the main character. She should have been -15 by herself.

As for the show, it got a little better as it went on, but all I want to see is the ridiculousness of the scenes (the episode with Cattleya was hilarious). The writing was really bad, which is why I can’t give it a 5 or higher, but Queen’s Blade is entertaining, so I’ll give it a respectable (for this show it is)

FINAL GRADE = 4

If this show had no fanservice/softcore porn, it could have been incredibly awesome. I still believe it. Whatever, this was entertaining.

Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen

The first movie was awesome. This movie was too, but I’m not going to talk about that, so much as to talk about the shitty experience that i had at the movie theater. If you don’t want to read my awesome experience, then fuck you, although I do have a short movie review down the page. Remember the animated Transformers?

Awarded by Me: Ass Kicker 2009

Awarded by Me: Ass Kicker 2009

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Lowe’s Theater in Plainville, CT. No where else, will you find a more retched hive of scum and villainy. And Mexicans that don’t know how to parent their children. This movie started at one minute past midnight, and was almost 3 hours in length. It featured awesome special effects, loud explosions, and some adult themes, which is why it was given the rating of PG-13.

Now, I don’t know what would posses a parent to bring their small, 3 year old child to this movie at midnight, but guess what? It happened. It also just so happened that these people sat right behind me. Nothing was going wrong until it started getting late, around the better half of 1 in the morning. Wouldn’t you know it, the child started moaning and crying. I ignored it for a while, thinking that the parents would have the decency to leave the theater until their child piped down. I mean, it’s common courtesy, right? The commercial before the movie starts, that says, “Don’t make your own soundtrack” even states that a crying child is not appreciated. But these faggots seemed not to care about the rest of the audience, and let the child cry on, getting louder and louder.

Eventually, I had enough. I turned around and politely asked if they could take the child outside just until it ceased it’s whining. The lady just stared at me as though I had just said a bad word (I honestly don’t think she understood me). Then the dude next to her muttered something that wasn’t decipherable. I replied with a puzzled look, to which he retorted with a swift “Fuck you.”

Now, there are things that you say to Glothelegend, and there are things you don’t say to Glothelegend, and “Fuck you” falls under the category of things that you don’t say to Glothelegend. Now I was angry. I was pissed. I wanted nothing more then to hit this guy right in the face with the heaviest metal bat I could find. Of course, I was in a public place and didn’t have a metal bat, so I was kind of forced to remain calm and use reason rather than force:

  • Everyone can hear your child.
  • Everyone is annoyed by your child.
  • Why are you bringing you child to a movie that starts at midnight? Your child is obviously going to get cranky. What, you couldn’t wait till tomorrow?
  • Fuck you.

After all of these reasons were stated by both me and oballer, who happened to be there because I went with him and others, the family of Mexican immigrants finally got the fuck out of there, and I was able to enjoy the movie again.

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

This dude is "The Fallen"

Rather than risk apoilers, I’m just going to ask questions to peak interest about this film.

Question 1: What is, “The Fallen?”

This is the main villain of the movie……sort of. That’s all I’m going to say. Anyone who’s name starts with “The” is pretty awesome.

Question 2: How were the effects?

I think I said “Holy Shit” more times during this movie than any other.

Question 3: How were the new Transformer Characters?

Introducing two of the worst characters ever invented. Naruto is a better character than:

Racism. Yay. (sarcasm)

The Twins

The premise behind these two characters was dumb, black people. They have shifty, bulging eyes, gold teeth, can’t read, and talk like rappers from the dirty south. This is one of the most racist things I have seen in movies. These characters were stupid because:

  1. The stereotyping of races might work as comedy for some movies, but it doesn’t match the Transformers style of humor, and almost ruins the whole movie.
  2. They didn’t look like other Transformers, in that they looked more like cartoons from a G rated Disney movie as opposed to an awesome Micheal Bay production with sick graphics that make you say “Holy Shit” more times during this movie than any other.
  3. They didn’t shut up, and were really fucking annoying.
  4. I hate them, and they were annoying.

Question 4: How was the humor?

Good as usual, besides the failed attempt at humor from the Twins. Honestly, this movie wasn’t that great.

SPOILER IN RED:

Yea, the next line is a joke from the movie.

It is a spoiler, but won’t really ruin the joke. I mean, if I saw it now, I would still laugh.

But here it is anyway:

Frat Kid in Popped Collar Abercrombie Shirt: “Dude, where do you think you’re going!?”

Shia Leboof: (obviously making fun of kid) “I’m going to find you a tighter shirt.”

Popped Collar’s Friend: (mistakenly thinks that tight shirts on guys are cool) “THERE’S NO SUCH THING!”

Okay that’s it.

Back to regularly scheduled programming:

SPOILER OVER

For the record, all of these things have one thing in common:

  • Popped Collar
  • Abercrombie
  • Hollister
  • Tight shirts on guys

Give up? They’re all fucking gay. American Eagle is not gay, however, because I wear it. And I am awesome enough to cancel gay. If I fucked a man in the ass, then gay people all over the world would suddenly become straight.

Question 5: Were there any hot girls?

…you’re not serious, right?

Honestly, this movie was awesome. One of the best of the year. Also, Hugo Weaving is so nasty and cool that he belongs in a little something I like to call, the “Cool Hall of Fame” which I just made up now.

I would say that this movie is great, and the only thing wrong with it was the Twins characters, which were GAY. I’d still give this sequel a

FINAL GRADE = 9/10 (real life movies have a different ratings system)

Baka-Raptor Goes to England.

One day, I was visiting my ISSS, and seeing if anyone had said anything regarding my post of K-ON, and how much it sucked. Suddenly, I saw that Baka-Raptor had this shit to say:

“In conclusion, Mugi was only a lesbian for one episode.

And whatever happened to that post you were supposed to write about me?”

“Holy shit!,” I thought to myself, but actually said outloud, “Whatever happened to that post that I was supposed to write about Baka-Raptor?” I mean, I had been writing it, but then I got way too many drafts written, and it was pushed off of my main page on my wordpress dashboard. And as if that wasn’t enough, here comes Oballer restating the exact same thing, brown nosing Baka-Raptor to the fullest extent, almost like a bully’s sidekick. If your gonna suck up on my site, do it to me…..anyway, I read what I wrote and determined that it was complete bullshit and utterly retarded. “If you’re gonna make a post about Baka-Raptor,” I thought to myself, “then you better make sure it’s not made up.”

WARNING: I suck at using MS Paint. This will become apparent throughout this post.

The Legend of Baka-Raptor

It all started on a blustery day in Russia Northern England. A young man named Paul O’Doyal was sharpening his sheers for trimming his sheep’s wool. He had but one sheep, as he was a poor farmer. While he was working diligently, a man appeared, his figure framed in the doorway. Paul stopped what he was doing and looked up to greet the man.

“Ello? Oo ah you?” he said in a deep English accent.

“Dear me, sorry to bother you and all, but I was just passing by and wondered if I could use your phone.” said the man.

“Ah? Ehhh, oooo, oh-kay.” replied Paul cunningly, “it’s in the kitchen o’er neah the main ‘ouse. Meh wife’s out ‘n me daughtah’s sleepin, so mind ‘er will yeh?”

The man agreed to not wake the sleeping child and walked toward the main house.

He entered the kitchen and glanced at the phone. He gave a soft, cold chuckle and walked right past it. He never had any intention of actually using the phone in the first place. He had his eye on this house for a while now, and there was only one thing that he wanted. Down the hallway from the kitchen, the man quietly opened a closed door, and let his eyes fall upon a sleeping, 8 year old girl. He smiled a sinister grin and unzipped his………jacket. He took off his jacket and closed in on the small child, resting peacefully in her bed.

“Look at you,” he said hungrily, “you’re so small, so cute….I must have you right now.”

Just as he reached his trembling, outstretched arm toward the girl’s flat chest, the wall suddenly exploded, with a large figure standing in it’s wake.

“No,” said the man shakily from his knees, “this can’t be. You should be…..you should be dead! I…I KILLED YOU!”

The huge velociraptor that stood where the wall used to be laughed, “HA! You believe that a pathetic pedophile like you can ever defeat me!? I smite you!”

Wait....could this be?

Sadly, this is the best thing I have ever made on MS Paint.

The ferocious raptor attacked the man, his teeth and claws slashing and ripping the puny, pathetic pedophile to pieces. The dinosaur laughed in triumph over the pedophile’s demise. Just then, the father, who had heard the commotion, came in with a shotgun, fully loaded.

“Oi! Wha es gone on eah!? Wha on earf’s da rackeh?”

“Daddy! Daddy! The dinosaur saved me from the mean man!” said the small child through happy tears. She hugged a stuffed bear that looked really big and fluffy. The sun illuminated her face, causing her eyes to sparkle. She blushed and let out a small giggle, and butterflies fluttered around her head, while a bird chirped in the background. Then she sneezed ever so gently and put on cat ears while saying things like, “Nya~” and other stuff that people always put squiggly marks after.

“I’ve had just about ENOUGH OF THIS!”shouted the raptor powerfully.

Quickly, he grabbed the small child and punted her up into the mountains. “God damn moe! Be gone from this place!” the raptor hollered.

Bear witness to the worst attempt at drawing something "moe" ever. Am I dissatisfied with this attempt? No. Not being able to draw moe enforces that I am a man.

Bear witness to the worst attempt at drawing something "moe" ever. Am I dissatisfied with this attempt? No. Not being able to draw moe enforces that I am a man.

“Yay! My first time being punted up into the mountains by Raptor-sama!” yelled the small girl, before she disappeared into the horizon.

The man, who suddenly realized that this raptor had destroyed his house and gracefully punted his one and only daughter, was suddenly filled with rage. Cocking his shotgun and gritting his teeth, he was ready to battle the dinosaur to the death.

They stood, facing each other, with glares of malice in their eyes.

“You really wanna go down this road, old man?” said the raptor in a low, menacing growl.

“My tank is filled and the engine is started, I’m ready to roll.” Paul said through a grin, “And I’m not old. I’m 31.” Now, Paul’s English/Irish accent had completely disappeared at this point, and in fact, both the raptor and the Englishman changed their accents to over-dramatized action movie voices, like those found in certain awesome movies (I don’t know why I pluralized “movie”).

The man let off several rounds as he closed in on the raptor, teeth clenched and knuckles white. But his bullets couldn’t match the speed and agility of the raptor, whose tail flashed and whipped the bullets away, as if he were simply swatting flies. But eventually, Paul closed in, until he had the shotgun pressed against the raptor’s stylish, purple hat.

“Your move old man, what’s it gonna be?” growled the raptor through a smile. He seemed to know something that the Paul did not. But Paul was sure he had him beat.

“Game over,” said Paul. As he pulled the trigger, he heard the empty click of the hammer, and the blood drained from his face.

“You’re right,” said the Cretacious beast, “Game over….OLD MAN.”

The raptor’s teeth crushed down on Paul’s arm and one jerk of the head sent the man flying right into his one and only sheep.

In this picture (another example of my poor MS Paint skills) Paul's arm was just massacred.

In this picture (another example of my poor MS Paint skills) Paul's arm was just massacred. (actually, this is my favorite picture, because the arms look all crazy, and you can't see the eyes).

The man lay, bleeding and dying, and as the raptor turned to leave, the man asked, “You…….who….who are you?”

The dinosaur turned his head.

“Me? I’m Baka-Raptor.”

And with that, he left England, because justice had been served, the world had become a better place, and England fucking sucks.