Anime Characters Can’t Be Your Wife

Oh, what’s that? You want to marry and anime character? Well too fucking bad. You can’t. They aren’t real people, and I honestly don’t see how people can have “attractions” to them, if you know what I mean (like sexual attractions).

Anyway, a while ago I came across a certain post about anime characters as wives, and which ones would be best. I saw it, disagreed with it, and moved on, until I saw another certain post and realized that I had a lot of opinions on the subject, so here we are now with this fucking soon-to-be-awesome post.

Rie Kugimiya? Sure, I'd marry her, but not her characters.

Rie Kugimiya? Sure, I'd marry her, but not her characters.

First things first. Before I bash the list of characters for being wrong (mostly). Let me first introduce you to my tastes. A lot of anime watchers prefer 2-D girls. Okay whatever. I, personally, prefer living life in reality, and not on fantasy island. Here in reality, girls are 3-D, and you can- [message removed do to over-use of words such as “fucking” “cock” and “pussy”]

Now as for my tastes in women. I prefer a girl who is nice, but also has a wild side, maybe even someone who is kind of a bitch. For example, if you agree with everything I say, I will dump you. However, I am incredibly weak against girls who cry. If girls were pokemon, then “crying-type” would be super effective against me. Every time a girl uses “tear attack” it would be a critical hit, and I would “faint” (it would be better if the pokemon died). What the fuck am I talking about?

Here is the list, copied and pasted right from the second link I gave you alafista.com, because I like the Japanese script, and I feel it might give this boring blog ISSS some diversity. However, to make it somewhat different, I put the whole thing in bold. No, I probably could never get away with plagiarism.

  1. Mio Akiyama 秋山澪 (K-On!)
  2. Hinagiku Katsura 桂ヒナギク (Hayate the Combat Butler)
  3. Taiga Aisaka 逢坂大河 (ToraDora!)
  4. Rukia Kuchiki 朽木ルキア (BLEACH)
  5. Yuki Nagato 長門有希 (The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya)
  6. Azusa Nakano 中野梓 (K-On!)
  7. Chrome Dokuro クローム髑髏 (Katekyo Hitman Reborn!)
  8. Sheryl Nome シェリル・ノーム (Macross F)
  9. Yui Hirasawa 平沢唯 (K-On!)
  10. Asuka Langley Sohryu 惣流・アスカ・ラングレー(Neon Genesis Evangelion)

Now, I am going to state my opinions about all of these characters, but I will do so assuming that all of these characters are actual people (3-D), you know, people who you could actually touch, molest, beat, and stalk, because marrying an anime character is like proclaiming that you want to be a virgin for the rest of your life. You can’t “toss salad” with an anime character (I don’t really see why you’d want to, but as long as you aren’t breaking any laws, I could care less what you do behind closed doors…in fact, don’t tell me). Anyway, on to the list. Oh, wait. Here’s a random picture for an interlude:

lol

1. Mio Akiyama:

I hate fake girls, and Mio is a bunch of random, inconsistent personalities that clash with each other, smashed into one body. I mean, at least Mio doesn’t color her hair blonde and get a deep, fake tan, but still. NO.

2. Hinagiku Katsura:

It could work, because she actually looks like the wifey type. I mean she’s real, you know? If she doesn’t become a lesbian (she should) it would work. YES.

3. Taiga Aisaka

She looks like a 12 year old. NO.

4. Rukia Kuchiki

Really? NO.

5. Yuki Nagato

She is awesome, but it would be sooooo boring to be married to her, unless it turns out that she’s a freak in the sack. NO.

6. Azusa Nakano

She’s not even of age, so not only is it impossible, it is also immoral, weird, stupid, and NO.

7. Chrome Dokuro

I don’t know this person. Mommy said don’t talk to strangers, so NO.

8. Sheryl Nome

Ditto.

9. Yui Hirasawa

Yea, because I’ve always wanted a retard as a wife…..NO NO A THOUSAND TIMES NO.

10. Asuka Langley Sohryu

She could actually be a good wife! Self assertive, not stupid, and not afraid of anything! She is kind of a bitch though, but once you fuck her that one time, and get that real deep moaning orgasm, then you’ve got her wrapped around your finger – The italisized is courtesy of Eddie Murphy Standup. Well that’s it for the list. Here’s another interlude:

A couple that WORKS.

So if these are all most of these are wrong, who would I pick?

Glo the Legend’s Anime Marriage List Thingy, (if they were all real people):

10. Matoi Tsunetsuki – Sayonara Zetsubou Sensei

Am I the only person who thinks that having your own personal stalker would be cool? I’m tempted to pay a girl to stalk me.

9.  Ryoko – Tenchi Muyo

I can barely remember her, as I never watched much of the Tenchi Muyo series (aren’t there like, 4 different ones? What order do they go in? I don’t even know how to watch Tenchi Muyo), but I do remember that she was an awesome character. She was fucking awesome.

8. Kagome – Inuyasha

I originally had Kagura, but then I decided to change the last three letters to “ome”, because Kagome’s an awesome cook. She also has spiritual powers, and is generally cool. She kind of gets kidnapped too much though. I might grow tired of having to keep rescuing her, you know?

Kagome: Honey, Naraku kidnapped me!

Me: The game is one! I’ll do it later…

Kagome: DVR it!

Me: Aww fuckin hell….

7. Lieutenant Hawkeye

I believe that I’ve already said something on this subject.

6. Revy – Black Lagoon

She can make the dough, she’s awesome, and she’s not really a bitch…..I mean she has an attitude, but she isn’t a bitch. She’s also not afraid to go out drinking with you, and she can hold her liquor, which is a trait rarely found in women (at least ones that I’ve met).

5. Hinagiku – Hayate no Gotoku

In the episodes where Hayate was staying with her, she acted exactly like a wife. She’s also not a bitch. She’s normal. How many anime characters are 100%  noramal? None. So for an anime character, she’s abnormal, but for a wife in real life, she’s good.

4. Suzumiya Haruhi – Suzumiya Haruahi no Yuuutsu

Finally, I’ll never be bored again. I need to do stuff, and God Haruhi knows that Haruhi always has some zany idea.

3. Ochibana – Denpa Teki na Kanojo

She’s not all there (in a good way), but she’s damn smart, and won’t ever let you down. If you’re ever cornered by an assailant with a bat, then she’ll rescue you.

2. Maria – Hayate no Gotoku

Whattttt? TWO? Should be ONE! I made this list and disagree with this. but there can only be one, and that is:

1. Nogizaka Haruka – Nogizaka Haruka no Himitsu

Well let’s see….according the the anime, she’s the best at everything ever, rich, popular, beautiful, and loves is obsessed with anime. Now if only I can find this girl in my life….

Just for fun, here are some girls whom you shouldn’t marry:

  1. Anyone from School Days. I’d like to keep my head thank you.
  2. Belldandy from Ah! My Goddess! I hate her, she’s too nice. Yuck. Too much nice-ness. If I had to choose, I’d rather have a girl that beats me (I’m made of muscle so it would have no effect anyway).
  3. Any Rie Kugimiya Character. Honestly, I love her characters. But they all have one drawback. Physical appearance. I mean, I like short girls, but there’s a limit, you know?
  4. Saya from Blood +. I’d like to see my wife more than once every few decades…….wait…….isn’t this a good thing???
  5. Chi from Chobits. Are you kidding? She’s a robot. That anime was stupid (I liked it a lot though?).
  6. Excel from Excel Saga. Wayyyyy to annoying to spend the rest of my life with.
  7. Any Loli. Grow and we’ll talk.

Another good wife would be Misaki Nakahara from Welcome to the N.H.K. She’ll be committed…..if not to you, then to a mental hospital.

NOTES:

  1. I don’t actually beat, stalk, or molest girls.
  2. This was probably the longest seeming post I ever wrote and will ever write again. I already forgot most of it.
  3. If I managed to stay on topic, then I rule.
  4. I will not edit this farther.
  5. I am very tired, but I started this, and couldn’t rest until I was done.
  6. Ukraine needs to win some games, I’ll be pissed off if they don’t qualify for the World Cup.
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16 thoughts on “Anime Characters Can’t Be Your Wife

  1. I just read that crying type pokemon paragraph, and it would have lowered my opinion of you if I didn’t already think you were the biggest fuckin pussy on the face of the planet.

    • I have listened to your plea. This site has gotten gayer. However, I just wrote a few posts that will return me to glory (they’re still anime related)

      I got it back, bitch, and I’m ready to fuckin rumble.

  2. the paragraph that was a pokemon metaphor was awesome

    also i dont beat stalk or molest girls either… well actually i will smack a bitch if necessary… but girls stalk and try to molest me daily… its really a pain

  3. I didn’t say the pokemon metaphor wasn’t a good metaphor, I just meant that if a girl used crying attack on me it would be “not very effective”, and then it would be one of those attacks where they would become confused afterwards and hurt themselves in their confusion and to finish the job, I would use cockslap attack back, which would be Super Effective.

    ALSO, Jeff only wrote that because of my facebook status. Joke Stealer.

    • Facebook status? I haven’t checked your facebook status in like….a month.

      If I did cockslap, it would cause confusion (where the girl would suck my dick in confusion) or paralysis. In some cases Burn.

  4. the “tear attack” is a women’s most effective weapon against men… very very few men are heartless enough for it to be unaffected… but when a woman starts crying in front of you, theres nothing you can do… she won

  5. Pingback: I contest this top ten waifu/husbando crap « Mikotoism

  6. wow how could I missed this post? O_O

    I was about to retaliate about Rukia (I want more explaination because well… she’s my waifu) but then I saw that Haruhi is on your marriage list. That shut me up XD

  7. your list of posible mariage is good. But the “do not marry this” is really fun! good laugth for it! aout of all the mentioned chars i think the very best is betwen Azuka and Haruhi, they are quite perfect on their own department.

  8. Pingback: Mi Amor Maria « Eye Sedso

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