Clowns: What the Fuck

Okay, this post was inspired by TJ, when he made this comment in this post on Grand Punk Railroad about clowns. I have always said that clowns are fucking retarded. I mean, honestly, what kind of sick bastard finds clowns funny? They’re definitely much more freaky and psychotic looking then funny.

Here’s a true story, that definitely is not an urban legend:

There was a family of which the parents decided to go away for about a week. During this time, the babysitter was getting complaints from the kids that a clown kept appearing in their room as they slept. When the parents returned from their trip from where ever the fuck they went, the babysitter told them about this, but said that she couldn’t find any clown. Later on, they discovered that a midget dressed like a clown was in fact coming into the room at night, for whatever reason. Now, I don’t know how messed up these kids must have been, but if I saw a fucking midget clown peering over my bed at night, I would get the fuck out of this house.

For once I actually did not make this up, I heard this from multiple people (I’m pretty sure that it’s an urban legend….I think that my teacher Miss Polonio told our class this story……my friend (accidentally) groped one of her boobs during class once, true story. He fully palmed one of her massive tits. Best thing ever. Anyway, back to this.). But yea, clowns…..they suck. The way I see it, clowns are one of two things:

Crazy People

I have never seen this movie. That's because it looks fucking retarded. And it has a clown.

I have never seen this movie. That's because it looks fucking retarded. And it has a clown.

Have you ever seen IT? Or read IT? IT isn’t cool. I have never seen, nor I have I ever read IT. It (IT) has a clown. Basically, if you didn’t get freaked out by that midget clown story at the top of the page, then watch IT. I heard it (IT) is a crazy strange scary movie. I hate clowns, so this is most likely the case.

Basically, if you want to parade around in makeup and paint your face white then there’s something wrong with you. If you want to do this as a job, then it’s evident (to me) that you have some serious mental issues. I’ll be the first to admit, I’m not completely sane, but fuck it, at least I’m not on CLOWN STATUS. I’d rather be unemployed then ever be a clown. I have would rather “cosplay” then be a clown. Fuck, I’d rather let someone take a shit on my chest have a parkour accident like that one in Iraq then dress up as a clown. Let’s look at the facts:

  • Who wakes up and says, “Well, time to go to work.” And then proceeds to brush his or her teeth, take a shit, and shower, and then dress up in makeup and crazy looking shit to go entertain kids for 6 hours?
  • You are a clown. What did you do with your pride?
  • You know what kind of people are clowns? Those ladies who always seem really happy, but at home they have like, 23 cats and shit. Crazy ladies. Let’s see if I can find a few examples:

Here, this lady (who jumps on the car) is definitely a clown, except that she isn’t pretending to be happy. She probably used to be a clown.  She definitely has the appearance of a clown:

Here’s another former clown (can anyone guess the OTHER TWO jobs that this lady used to have?)

How bout a picture?:


Clowns = Crazy People. But clowns can fit into one other category:


Fuck you Mr. Giggles.

Mr. Giggles likes to touch children inappropriately.

Okay Timmy, tell the court where Mr. Giggles touched you.

Yea. Clowns are pedophiles. I actually don’t really need to explain much more here. Clowns are people who dress up in ridiculous outfits in order to be around children incognito. I don’t know who would ever hire a clown to be at there kids party. Also, if you dress up as a clown for your kid’s party, that automatically turns you into a crazy person or a pedophile. If your child asks for a clown, beat them.

(Adult Person + Costume) > Little Kids = Pedophile

Here’s a great picture that someone made (I don’t know who):

Wow. This dude is a crazy pedophile.

EDIT: I found that story that I told. But let it be known that I repeated that from knowledge, I did not copy anything. This backs up both the Crazy and the Pedophile aspects that I clowns fall into as described by me. Here is is:

Nice, I’m off to NYC where everything is awesome. No post for days.