The Return of Bill the Ass-Kicker

Do you remember? Do you remember my review of Black Lagoon, in which Bill the Ass-Kicker was shot and killed by Revy, who kicks more ass than he does? Bill was dead. Well, lately, you may have noticed some posts where Bill has somehow been making appearances, despite the fact that I killed him off this site a while ago. Well, there is a story behind this, and before I tell it to you, here is some background about Bill the Ass Kicker.

Bill in his full ass-kicking garb.

Bill in his full ass-kicking garb.

Okay, so if you actually clicked on the important links above, and read the contents, then you already know a lot about Bill. You know that at one time, he was nearly the President of Switzerland. You also know that he killed the Craken. But one thing you don’t know, is his Origin. Yes, just like Wolverine from X-Men, Bill too, has an origin (I still have to see that movie). Here is his full story, which has been documented through the years, in a book known as the Bible. However, the Catholic church radically changed the Bible, and now it’s completely false, and doesn’t even contain Bill. HERESY!

The History of Bill the Ass-Kicker

As you know by now, Bill has been an instrumental part of this site, he has helped me grade anime. He decides if an anime is good or not by kicking the anime’s ass. If he succeeds, the anime is unworthy, and receives nothing but a low grade. If an anime kicks Bill’s ass, then it has proven itself a worthy adversary, and thusly certainly deserves a high grade, because no mortal has ever succeeded in kicking Bill’s ass, or even coming close for that matter. But how did Bill get his fame?

As previously state, Bill was born in year 7. You may be thinking that this debunks the fact that the Bible was actually written about him, but don’t forget, those greedy Catholics re-wrote the Bible to not include Bill the Ass-Kicking hero so that they can rule the land with fear of Hell and eternal damnation. I’m pretty sure that if God exists, then the correct religion is either Jewish (God’s chosen people/Jesus was Jewish, HELLO!) or Muslim (The setting of all Godly ordeals is the Middle East). Anyway, I’m getting off topic…

Bill began ass-kicking at the tender age of 1 minute, when he punched his doctor in the face, sending him into a coma for 3 years, because the aforementioned doctor spanked his rear. After that, he left home and decided to roam the countryside, warding off beasts and other people for money, and always searching for someone strong enough to fight.

Bill was a cocky fuck. He boasted about every fight that he one. After he killed Hercules with heel to the groin, he wouldn’t stop talking about it for weeks. But his greatest challenge came in the year 172, when he came across his most challenging adversary yet, Biokinton. Biokinton saw that Bill was walking along, boasting about his magnificence, so he started firing birds (of all things) at him. Bill saw this and laughed, “Birds can’t hurt me!”

However, whenever Bill would go to punch a bird, it would suddenly dodge his fist by flying either up or down at the last second, and then connecting with his face or his balls. This didn’t hurt Bill, but it did get annoying, so Bill jumped at the cloud (which was high in the sky), and connected with a spinning left kick. However, clouds, as you know, are made out of condensed water vapor (not a solid), so you can’t exactly punch one. The cloud then cornered Bill (in the sky somehow I guess there was a corner up there or something) and fired several birds, which all delivered heavy blows. Bill became enraged at this fact. Was this an enemy that he could not beat!?

Thinking like an ass kicker does think, he landed back on the ground, looked back up at Biokinton, and laughed, “Wrong move. Don’t do that to…El Guapo.” After this, he reached into his backpack, and pulled out a case of liquid nitrogen (because he just happened to have some), and used it to douse his fists, freezing them. Then he leapt at the cloud Biokinton, once more. This time, whenever he connected with a punch, the liquid nitrogen encrusted fists froze part of Biokinton right before his fists smashed piece of him off. When Bill was done, Biokinton was no more. Since that day, Bill dons a shirt made from the tribes-women (because there was a tribe that was oppressed by the cloud I guess) that he wears to this day. And in case your wondering, his hands were fine afterward, because he’s an accomplished ass-kicker.

That’s a nice story and everything, but I thought Bill was killed by Revy? What’s the deal with that shit?


Well, it’s true that Revy, the most bad-ass awesome fucking female character in the history of the planet ever, and one of the top 5 awesomest characters on the face of the Earth in the whole fucking universe, got the best of Bill, and killed him. However, when Bill got to Heaven, he beat the fucking Holt shit out of God, and when God subsequently sent him down to Hell, Lucifer, who is a notorious pussy, was like, “Fuck dealing with this dude just send him back to Earth.” And so he came back alive. Plus, I never made a really dead montage.

That’s believable, and I have no reason to doubt you, but you still haven’t told us how Bill got involved with your ISSS! What a fucking rip off! You suck!

It was about a year ago when I caught up with Bill, after last seeing him in Switzerland. At this point, he still hadn’t seen any anime, and when I was talking to him, he informed me about how disappointed he was that he still hadn’t found a match in terms of strength. After contemplating this, I told him that I might have a match for him, and introduced him to Higurashi no Naku Koro ni (coincidentally, I just finished the OVA series…it was a cool story in between two fillers. There’s my review). After a swift bout with this anime, Bill had no choice but to admit that Higurashi kicked his ass. Since that time, Bill has been fighting anime, to see what is worthy.

This seems satisfactory. I am satisfied.