CANAAN is…uh…hmm…Series Review…hmm…

You know what I love? I love shows that have separate groups of characters that seem completely unrelated, yet somehow, across the course of the show, it is revealed that they all actually share a connection that is a lot closer than simply random characters in a plot. For example,

Bill is trying to kill Phil, and randomly meets a street thug named Todd, and they join up and fight against Phil. Later, it is revealed that Todd trained in the army under Bill’s father, although neither of them initially knew it.

This is just one aspect of what I’m talking about. The more of these coincidences and connections in a show, the more I like the show.

A good example of a show that supports this is LOST, where all the survivors of the crash actually had a connection before they plane smashed onto the beach of that island…then all sorts of crazy shit started happening. Another good decent example is

CANAAN

CANAAN

Okay, this might be tricky, but I’m going to try and make a graph, or some kind of visual aid, that reveals every single connection that you didn’t except in CANAAN.

About a tenth of a second into this I realized that this was going to end up being a confused mess.

About a tenth of a second into this I realized that this was going to end up being a confused cluster fuck of lines and bullshit.

All right, time to make sense of this piece of shit chart:

Group One

Siam: Trained both Canaan and Alphard.

Canaan: Blamed by some for the tragedy of the village. Was trained by Siam and seeks revenge against Alphard.

Yuri: Gives Canaan orders. Also has a connection to Santana.

Group Two

Maria Oosawa: A photographer who comes to Shanghi to take pictures of a festival going on there. She doesn’t really know if Canaan is going to be there, but is friends with her from a past event.

Minoru: A reporter in Shanghi, covering the event with Maria, who is his photographer for the story.

Taxi Driver: A kick-ass Taxi Driver who is easily fucking awesome. He always seems to be the one who drives around Maria and Minoru when they need a Taxi. Has no hesitations about driving off a bridge and onto a roof top.

Group Three

Hakko: A survivor of the village. Until a point, she blames Canaan for the tradgedy.

Santana: Not the guitar player. He was actually one of the people who was responsible for the village disaster. He loves Hakko, although she refuses to forgive him (even though she loves him).

Group Four

Alphard: Killed Siam, her former mentor. Also partly responsible for Liang Qi’s death (barely).

Liang Qi: Alphard’s lieutenant. She is in love with her sister, and is angry at how she seems obsessed over Canaan. Eventually, she loses it, goes insane, and dies.

Cummings: Another one of Alphard’s underlings. He is in love with Liang Qi, who does nothing but cause him physical pain (which he seems to get off on). When Liang Qi is dying (he shoots her), she tells him that she will love him. (I’m not going to try and explain this whole scenario, it’s crazy).

Group Five

Yun-Yun: A girl with a shit-load of part-time jobs, she becomes friends with Maria, and it is later revealed that she is actually part of Alphard’s organization, and is a Boner- I mean Borner.

Group Six

Kenji Oosawa: He has develped the anti virus for the Ua Virus, and surprise-surprise, he is Maria’s dad.

I broke up the characters into groups that they originally appeared. Now I have to explain them (what the fuck have I gotten myself into here). But first, let me introduce my

Favorite Character

Fuck Robert DeNiro, this is a REAL Taxi Driver.

Fuck Robert DeNiro, this is a REAL Taxi Driver.

The taxi driver is the MAN. You’ll see a lot more on him in maybe a month when I finish a certain MONSTER of a post (that will probably also be a huge failure).

Endless Eight Connections

Connection One: Minoru sees Canaan and can’t believe it. Then he learns that his photographer has met and befriended Canaan on a previous occasion. Damn!

Connection Two: The Taxi Driver kicks ass.

Connection Three: Alphard and Canaan trained under the same guy.

Connection Four: Yun Yun befriends Maria.

Connection Five: Yun Yun happens to work/be under control of Alphard, who happens to want to kill Canaan (or so it seems). What a surprise/turn of events there!

Connection Six: Hakko is from the same village as Yun Yun, and blames Canaan (at first).

Connection Seven: Santana helped that village meet its end (until he learned what he was actually doing). He and Hakko fall in love.

Connection Eight: Maria’s dad happens to be the one who created the antivirus for the Ua Virus. So he’s connected to this whole thing too (I think he has one line and one minute of screen time).

These are eight connections. I have no idea what I’m trying to prove with this. Most of these were kind of surprising I guess. This post is going to hell.

Highlights

She should pitch sales now that Billy Mayes is gone.

She should pitch sales now that Billy Mayes is gone.

After the shit-show of "love" that just took place in that room, I'd say she has the right mindset.

After the shit-show of "love" that just took place in that room, I'd say she has the right mindset.

This is the stupidest fuckin shit I've ever heard.

This is the stupidest fuckin shit I've ever heard.

Okay, first main point. The conclusion. It was….how you say……stupid. I hated how this one ended. “She’ll be with you in your heart?” That’s the stupidest, most cliché, most shittiest gayest stupidest line ever. And it brought the show down a lot. It almost erased all of the sick fighting, sick characters, and all other aspects of the show. Why do you think my favorite character is the Taxi Driver? All the other characters became stupid with this shitty fucking line. I almost feel like giving this anime a 0 because they used this stupid line. Here’s how I would have ended it:

Canaan and Maria create a civil union (but don’t have sex, as they are both underage). They obviously are ga-ga over each other:

Yuri moment 1

Is it just me, or does Canaan look like Hayate (combat butler) with white hair instead of blue?

In case you have no imagination, here is a side by side with Hayate and Hayate with Changed hair color.

I did this in PAINT. Do you have any idea how ANNOYING that was? All for you, the reader! Fuck you guys.

I did this in PAINT. Do you have any idea how ANNOYING that was? All for you, the reader! Fuck you guys.

Hayate and Canaan have the same head, just different hair color. Me: 1 Argument: 0 (that doesn’t even make sense).

Yuri moment 2

Yuri Moment 3

This is the episode I watched via streaming. It's painfully obvious in the quality.

Okay there’s like, 700 more shots I could’ve used, but I didn’t. My ending never happens though, because….well, actually, it looks like another season is going to happen, which would explain why the two don’t get together in the end (they’re saving it for next season). I don’t know if another season is going to happen, it’s mainly speculation by me:

This takes place after the credits.

This takes place after the credits.

*Alphard shot her arm off, and apparently survived a fall that would kill pretty much anything in real life.

*Alphard shot her arm off, and apparently survived a fall that would kill pretty much anything in real life.

Correct me if I’m wrong, but it seemed like Alphard sort of turned into a “good guy” at the end, choosing self sacrifice over killing Canaan, who she was actually trying to kill for the entire show. They could still make a sick-ass season two if they wanted to, and I hope they do, so they can correct the mistakes in this one:

Mistakes

  • No where near enough fighting. I want to see more of Canaan’s sick powers and parkour moves put to use.
  • No hook up at the end.
  • Stupid fucking line about being with someone in your heart.
  • Three fourths of the way through, I felt like this anime just started to fizzle, the plot lost my interest for some reason, or seemed weak. They should have just had Canaan be a sick ass assassin the whole entire show, instead of all the village bullshit with boners– excuse me –Borners, and Ua viruses and shit.
  • Not enough Taxi Driver….actually he played his part pretty well. I think I’m satisfied with his screen time, any more would be over-saturation.

So, with all of that said,

FINAL GRADE = 4

Canaan may have proved difficult at first, but it just didn't have the stamina to put up with Bill's Ass-Kicking.

Canaan may have proved difficult at first, but it just didn't have the stamina to put up with Bill's Ass-Kicking.

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6 thoughts on “CANAAN is…uh…hmm…Series Review…hmm…

  1. I’m really expecting a lot out of this show, so I’m waiting for an open weekend to marathon the whole thing. So I’m not going to read reviews yet.

  2. First and foremost, someone asked about adding to the RSS feed or something. I have no idea where this comment went, I thought I approved it. Because I’m a nice guy, and don’t want to leave anyone out, I will state plainly that there are two ways to do this:

    A) On the top of my sidebar, there is a thing that says RSS Feed. Click the orange box and subscribe.

    B) If you’re using Mozilla Firefox, there should be the same orange box in the url search box. Click that and subscribe (this is what I do). Not sure if that was spam or not, but if I’m not sure, I accept it….now then:

    @ kluxorious: You’re a busy mutha fucka. College is a breeze for me and I have a shitload of downtime (which is weird, because art classes usually mean that you have to commit to a SHITLOAD of time outside class).

    @ TJ: Yeah, something just felt off about it. It started off awesome though.

    @ Yi: Luckily, it’s short.

    @ Snark: I couldn’t agree with you more.

    @ Bill: Canaan should cameo in an episode of Hayate, and they should meet. We need more cameos!

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