Dragonball: Evolution: Walking You Through The Crappiness

I’m a bit late with this, seeing as this movie came out (on video even) a while ago. But I am about to watch this movie. Surly it will contain a good script, great acting, splendid directing, and fine correlations between the famous original anime/manga!

(Watches Movie)

Well that was probably the worst movie that I have ever half watched. That movie sucked so hard that I actually ejaculated halfway through it. But that’s not because it sucked hard, it’s because I shut it off and turned on porn 20 minutes in. Let’s take a look, shall we?

Bad Points of Dragonball: Evolution

First of all the title sucks. Evolution? Does this suggest that this movie is an evolved form or the original Dragonball franchise? If so, then monkeys must be much more fitted to survice than human, because we evolved from them (basically, this movie sucked).

Goku is in high school......at this point, you know the movie is ruined.

Goku is in high school......at this point, you know the movie is ruined.

Goku is in high school. I don’t really even need to explain everything that’s wrong with this. This pretty much changes everything from his personality to the generall plot of Dragonball.

  • With Goku not living in the woods, how can adapt a personality where he is essentially oblivious to everything that goes on in modern society? (in the manga/anime, he thought a car was a monster trying to steal his fish…fuck….he doesn’t even know that girls have vaginas). How will he be that happy, uncaring kind of person? He can’t, because school sucks, and now he’s in it. Whats more is he is apparently a huge loser, and people call him- ugh -Geeko. Wow, I would have left the theater at this point, but luckily, I downloaded this movie illegally, just to spite the studio that made it.
  • Goku is a little kid in the manga. WHAT THE FUCK.
  • Where the fuck is his tail? And don’t even get me started about when he transforms. Or the acting. The acting sucked all around in this movie. I could’ve played Goku better.Give me a white beard (oh wait, Roshi isn’t even old in this movie) and I could be a better Roshi. Fuck, give me a dress and some tits (I forgot that Chi-Chi is Asian….yes I am insinuating something) and I could be a better Chi-Chi.
Even if you can accept the fact that he's in high school, this is still stupid.

Even if you can accept the fact that he's in high school, this is still stupid.

Goku is at a high school party. Look at his face here. What a faggot. I don’t even have anything else to add here, this was stupid. Then he gets a “feeling” that his grampa is in trouble….in the manga, his grampa was already dead, and I shouldn’t have to tell you why or how. I should stop drawing comparisons between the manga/anime and the movie. Changes are to be expected, but these were drastic.

What the fuck is this even?

What the fuck is this even?

Roshi’s house…..I rest my case.

Wasn't Roshi a bit older? Well I guess this isn't that big of a deal.

Wasn't Roshi a bit older? Well I guess this isn't that big of a deal.

This one isn’t really a big deal, and it also doesn’t really even bother me anymore, but Roshi isn’t old at all, now does he have a turtle shell….he does have a cool anime shirt one though (and by cool, I mean stupid). But his appearance doesn’t piss me off at all anymore. What does piss me off is…

His Acting.

His Acting.

Dear Chow Yun-Fat…..you are a fool, and your acting sucked huge balls in this movie.

I said before he looked like a gay vampire.

I said before he looked like a gay vampire.

You know how Piccolo is one of the coolest characters from the Dragonball franchise? Well James Wong and Ben Ramsey didn’t, because apparently they thought that Piccolo was some kind of gay Frankenstein/vampire dude who wears a tight, black suit. Piccolo is the man, he does not wear a tight, black suit. He wears a sick ass turban and cool shoulder pads. I have never seen anything so stupid looking in my life. And wait….was he….British?

Basically, bad movie writing.

Basically, bad movie writing.

As an adaptation, this was as bad as it could get. But as a movie in general, this was as bad as it could get. A lot of times, things just kind of bounced around and happened randomly, and this movie sucked as far as writing and general flow is concerned. It was fucking stupid and I hope they burn all of the copies of it, and erase it from the pages of history.

Hello, I am Goku, or should I say, Emo child number 734-C?

Hello, I am Goku, or should I say, Emo child number 734-C?

The above picture is probably the biggest smile that Goku had on his face all movie. Looks like he’s about to fuckin cry. He makes Saito from Neon Genesis Evangelion look like the happiest kid alive. What shitty acting.

I thought Yamcha was like...not a flaming jackass?

Whoops! I'm a faggot!

Meet Yamcha. In the anime/manga, he’s a pretty cool character. In the movie, he’s a flaming jackass. He loves to jerk off to men having sex with men. I want to punch this actor in the face. Even if he never even did this movie, I would still want to punch him in the face, just because I don’t like it. Same goes for that girl in the Dominos commercial:

Do we have any habanero sauce? SHUT THE FUCK UP! I don’t agree with hitting girls, but something about her face makes me want to empty my bank account to be able to drive my fist right into those fat, chubby lips. And is that Alsonso Soriano delivering those oven toasted subs? Rie Kugimiya could deliver them for all I care, and I still wouldn’t eat one, those subs taste like shit.

At this point, I shit the movie off. I skipped through it a bit after, and here are some points I found sucked (I’ll only limit them to five points, other wise I could just copy and paste the script here):

  1. Where the fuck is Krillen (Kiririn)!? Where is that bald mother fucker? Oh yea, he’s not a main character or anything. Fuck you Ramsey, you’re a shitty writer!
  2. Where is Goku’s tail? I know I already mentioned this, but that’s how pissed I am about him not having a tail. How else could he have transformed? (his transformation was fucking GAY, but I guess I should be happy that they at least included it).
  3. Prophecy? 7 monks who created the Dragon Balls? What the fuck is that bullshit?I just want to see Goku go on adventures…AS A KID! Not as some super emo depressed “I can’t do it” teenager who by the way is a weak pussy in this movie, where as in the manga/anime, he is a happy-go-lucky-beat-your-ass-without-even-understanding-the-difference-between-a-guy-and-a-girl-without-patting-down-their-private-region Goku! What the fuck!? Kami created the Dragon Balls! Not some monks and a prophecy! (to be honest, I didn’t pay attention at this part. actually, I didn’t even watch it).
  4. Where the fuck was Tien? Tien had an epic battle with Goku in the tournament (which Goku didn’t even participate in). It was one of the most awesome battles ever, and they completely cut it. But it’s okay, Tien isn’t a main character or anything. And where was Oolong, and half of the other characters?
  5. Using those….uh….Piccolo monsters as lava stepping stones? At this point, I reach for a gun to shoot myself in the head. The Ox king wasn’t in this movie either, but it’s okay, he didn’t train with Goku’s grandpa or anything (okay so the Ox Kind missing wasn’t that big of a deal).
  6. Who the fuck actually uploads a Dominos commercial on to YouTube?

There were no good points of this movie. I wouldn’t watch this is a smokin hot girl with a nice rack and perfect figure, who was disease free and a virgin to boot, wanted to pleasure me sexually for three days straight (ok that’s a lie, but you get the general idea of what I’m trying to say).

FINAL GRADE = – \infty

Bill didn't even try to kick the movie who shall not be named's ass, because everyone else already did. Yes, that is a Harry Potter referrence.

Bill didn't even try to kick the movie who shall not be named's ass, because everyone else already did. Yes, that is a Harry Potter referrence.

I will not spell check this, because it does not deserve it.

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14 thoughts on “Dragonball: Evolution: Walking You Through The Crappiness

  1. I never spellcheck anything.

    Anyway, that kid who played Goku looks like he’s gonna grow up to be Nicolas Cage… does this mean we’re gonna get another crappy remake of The Wickerman in ten years?

  2. “(I forgot that Chi-Chi is Asian….yes I am insinuating something)”
    Took me all day and i think i got it.
    YOUR INSINUATING ASIAN GIRLS HAVE NO BREASTS!!!

    My analytic skill scares even me sometimes.

    It also told me not to watch the remake, because the commercial looked gayer than Justin Chatwin… or… its a tie. They look equally gay.

  3. “At this point I shit the movie off”

    why do you have the funniest misspellings ever?

    Also, the tags are hilarious

    Also also, where is my credit for telling you to watch the lava stepping stone bullshit because you couldn’t make it that far without turning the movie off?

  4. I’m glad everyone I know feel the same way about this steamy pile of crap.
    Dragonball Z was one of the best things in my childhood… wtf.

  5. you should have linked to my review… i basically just did what you did and bitched about the movie the whole time… although i didnt put pictures because i was so pissed off

  6. also.. everything you said is pretty much right except that at this point in the manga he wasnt a kid… this is supposed to be like the last arc before dbz

  7. @ adaywithoutme: I never saw the wickerman because it looked stupid. I bet it was better than this pile of steaming shit though.

    @ Mr. Black: I am sort of a hypocrite though, because I think that asians are hot a lot of the time (as long as they’re not completely flat, and don’t have weird teeth).

    @ Refuse to Come Wack: My keyboard is dying. The space bar works sometimes, although a lot of times I do shit when I should’ve shut.

    @ Yi: I haven’t heard of one person liking it. But if this shitty movie gets a sequel, and Push doesn’t, I’ll be pissed, because I actually liked Push, and I think it’s underrated.

    @ oballer….all four times:

    1) I’ll be honest, I forget you wrote a review on it, otherwise I would’ve…maybe update once in a while!

    2) WTF! Sooner of later, Cody is going to be in a movie. How does he get on so many shows? Blue’s Clues, Wife Swap, Cash Cab….now fucking ONION NEWS!? Damn!

    3) I want to see him as a kid, fuck the rest. He was still never in FUCKING HIGH SCHOOL.

    4) What’s the matter? Couldn’t coagulate your thoughts into one comment before you spat them all over my page, disrupting balance in the space/time continuum and proportional comments to post ratio? Way to massively self promote on my site, in an effort to garner yourself more views and blog awareness. Well guess what douche-bag? MY SITE DOESN”T GET SHIT FOR VIEWS! IN YO FACE! I’m pretending that I’m mad but really I’m not! GO FUCK YOURSELF!

    ALSO: Join the fucking bball league that you TOLD me to make.

  8. Everyone I know who watched the movie told me I should watch this shit. To them, It’s the funniest movie ever. Lol!

    Told me to think of it as Scary Movie parody-ing Dragonball.
    (parody-ing = Hmm.. No such word?)

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