Onani Master Kurosawa = Excuse Me, Yes.

Wow, Eye Sedso is really becoming pretty perverted eh? First was a yuri hentai post, and now a post about a manga about masturbation. But wait, is Onani Master Kurosawa really about masturbation, or is it something more?

Onani Master Kurosawa

Everyone who has reviewed this has used this picture.

At first appearance, OMK might appear to be nothing more than an awesome manga revolving around the center character of Kurosawa, who uses the girls’ bathroom to get off each day after school, using his classmates as targets. t first appearance, OMK might appear to be nothing more than a manga that turns the art of masturbation into a bad ass way to get revenge on girls in class by jerking off on their shit. This is what I thought when I learned about if from reading some random site that I’ve never heard of, but seemingly always seem to read and take advice from, such as what anime to watch, and apparently what manga to read. But actually, Onani Master Kurosawa is more than just cum and revenge (not that it needs to be). In fact, Kurosawa pretty much stops all form of masturbation half way through the manga, and OMK actually seems to mainly reflect the emotions that a typical kid goes through in middle school, dealing with puberty and all that shit.

Hmm….should I try and analyze this manga? Or should I just end by saying how awesome it is, like I usually do? First I’ll relate it to life, after I say that Onani Master Kurosawa reminded me of

(Deathnote – death) + Welcome to the N.H.K. + Masturbation

Get it? Now here’s some life experiences and stuff.

Reflections of a Man

I couldn't ask for a better picture to reflect the title while giving a thumbs up.

I don’t jerk off in the women’s bathroom. I jerk off where ever the fuck I want, and if that includes a women’s bathroom, so be it. What type of man doesn’t masturbate? I’ll tell you: One without a penis. That is the only type of man who does not masturbate. Even a man without hands will find a way to release his white power all over the place. In fact, I bet that not having hands has the same effect on masturbation that being blind has on the other senses. When you’re blind, you suddenly have all of your other senses super-sized. I bet if you lose your hands, you can imagine masturbating, and it will feel just like sex. That’s not a bad deal, maybe I’ll cut off my hands later (no).

That being said, I have had and heard my share of great masturbation stories, and now I will share them with you, all of which are actually true.

Story One: My Personal Best

How many times can you crank the wank in a day? 3? 4? Pussy shit. In my hay day, I hit it hard with 5. 5…… in ONE HOUR. Beat that shit! You might be able to, but by the fifth burst, I honestly felt like I was going to accidentally ejaculate both of my testicles. I didn’t even want to do it, but I had a full boner going, and some spare time, and so I kind of had no choice. I actually ended up breaking a sweat.

Story Two: The Legend of Sanch

There was once a friend of mine, not a best friend, but a friend none the less. I’m not going to get into much, because this is supposed to be a post in good fun, and I don’t want to make it sad, but in his day, he bragged about jerking off every hour on the hour for 24 hours. In case you can’t add that up, that’s 24 explosive cum shots in one day. That’s fucking fantastic. I mean, nobody knows for sure how true these words were, but I’d like to think that they were complete fact.

Story Three: A Funcky Action in the Back of a Station Wagon

Oh my God I’m still laughing at the title. One of my best friends (a term that actually contradicts itself), Matt Parrotti, of FUNKY FACTION, was one time on a family trip, and they were driving to St. Martin (I think). Now, judging by the title and the setting, you can probably see where this is going, but let me re-iterate. He was in the BACK SEAT, NEXT TO HIS SISTER, WITH HIS ENTIRE FAMILY IN THE CAR, AND HE LET OFF A CUM ROCKET RIGHT THERE UNDER A BLANKET. Now, in case none of you get the awesomeness of this, let me tell you, jerking off in such a tight, enclosed space, with your entire nuclear family in the same tight closed space, can be risky. He took that risk by the balls, and came all over it. Nice job!

Story Four: Mid Dance Matt

Not to be outdone by himself, Matt is back for more. Scene? Middle school dance. You should already know what’s about to happen here. This was, I think everyone’s first dance. And yes, I italicized first for a reason, because it will cum back again. Matt, in all his glory, was dancing with Girl-A (not from Hayate, this is just what I’m calling her because her first name began with an A). In case you’ve never been to a dance or to a club. Dancing is grinding hardcore, a girl’s ass up against your general zone of righteousness. To bring back Sanchez, I remember a dance where he was literally railing a girl. Just humping her from the back in the middle of the dance floor, it was fucking hilarious (he was hammered). Anyway, Matt was grinding with Girl-A, and then suddenly, he jizzed in his pants. Not only did a load of cum escape from his grapes, but as it turns out, this was his first load ever expunged from the depths of his ball sack. Needless to say, he was confused as to what happened, and ended up crying in the middle of the song (I made that last part up).

Honestly, all men jerk off, and I’ll be damned if most guys don’t consider jerking off in the same category as a sport. It’s become a common part of daily life….almost as common as breathing, drinking water, or jerking off. Because I really want to show a Pulp Fiction clip, here’s one that involves jerking off:

You should have already seen this movie at least 10 times. If you haven’t please watch it the appropriate number of times more until you have reached ten. The actual part of this clip referring to jerking off is around 3:30.


Onani Master Kurosawa isn’t just jerking off and getting revenge. It deals heavily with relationship, several different kinds of relationships in fact, resentment, and trying to change. It’s actually really fucking good as a story. Here are some of the things involved:

  • Main character who just likes to masturbate. Nothing wrong with that I think.
  • Girl who hates her life and gets bullied, and has a multitude of issues.
  • Unrequited love.
  • Blackmail.
  • Getting out of Blackmail.
  • Rejection and temporary loss of sanity.
  • Balls, used both to masturbate and to take a stand.
  • Realization of feelings.

Looks like a winner to me.

That’s my whole analysis, lol. Seems I’d rather talk about jerking off.


Bill the Ass Kicker

Bill understands the importance of jerking off, so he didn't even fight this time. Instead, he and Onani Master Kurosawa went out for drinks.


Was chapter 31 really the end? Fucker. I wanted Kurosawa to end up with the suicidal girl. Damn poor girl gets shit on until the very end.


11 thoughts on “Onani Master Kurosawa = Excuse Me, Yes.

  1. I have to agree with you on everything that this post contains. He indeed should have gone with the emo girl. Also, and rather sadly, I only masturbate a few times a day, usually hours apart. 😦

  2. Wow this is coincidental. The other day I had a phenomenal one-liner about jerking it.

    Me and a couple other kids were in the cafe and the conversation changed to jerking it. One kid said “whats the longest you’ve gone without it”, to which another kid said “40 days”. To be a smartass about it, another kid said “40 days and 40 nights or just 40 days?”, to which the original kid responded sarcastically “just 40 days I jerked it at night”, to which I interjected (in perfect Curb Your Enthusiasm fashion)

    “It’s a Ramadan of Masturbation”

    and then everyone laughed heartily.

  3. “When you’re blind, you suddenly have all of your other senses super-sized. I bet if you lose your hands, you can imagine masturbating, and it will feel just like sex.”

    That…that was beautiful.

  4. @ kode-dekka: That’s unfortunate. I on the other hand have masturbated 6 times while typing this.

    @ Refuse to Come Wack: I wish I got that joke. But I have only seen the latest episodes of Curb, and not the last one. I might not have seen the one in question, or I just forgot it.

    @ lovesickdead: More like, “I love it when a plan comes together!” I am of course referring to Pokey the Penguin, and not the A-Team.

    @ klux: What was that? Sorry, I was jerking off.

    @ Baka-Raptor: Yea it wasn’t really masturbation, but I thought it was funny, and it occurred at a school, so it had a little bit of relevance.

    @ Snark: I just need to find someone with no hands who can either prove or disprove my theory.

  5. What’s poppin Glo, it’s been too long. Btw, I added you to my blogroll and I’m still @ FinallyAnime.com. However, the sites been COMPLETELY redone. There are still some really “small” things, but whatever. Dude, you’re hilarious posts never cease to amaze me. Like wow, masturbation. I wonder how many times you said that lol. But @ Cello, real men don’t need to masturbate. They just have women do it for them. I like your list too lol. Peace out bro.

  6. @ cello: Deal.

    @ FinallyAnime: Yea I’ve been over there off and on. I’ve got you subscribed so I’ll know if anything new pops up. as for masturbation, it doesn’t matter if I’m fucking 18 girls a day (which I’m obviously not, nor ever will be), I’m still going to find time to inappropriately touch myself.

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