The True Story of Thanksgiving

Oh, hello, this post is late. Oh well, I’m going to make it anyway (if it were up to me, Thanksgiving would last all November). Anyway, you thought that the Pilgrims and Indians gave thanks on Thanksgiving, and celebrated the harvest and all that bull, didn’t you? Well you were wrong. They just wanted to get drunk. I bet you also thought that they had no technology, like digital cameras. Wrong again. In fact, I have real footage from the first Thanksgiving, which actually took place on November 25th (which is coincidentally my birthday…yea I’m 22 years old and a waste of life, and I don’t care at all).

Here, we see fellow settlers from the Mayflower and local natives posing before their celebration. Take note of the small child, who won the costume contest (even though they weren’t wearing costumes, as this is how they dressed back then).

Here we see Natives and Settlers exchanging a peace treaty, a full Cornacopia for the world’s first ever Corona. Put both items together, and you have a Coronacopia (ba-dum kishhh)…..Anyone? Anyone?

Here we see Natives dressed in their attire from the time (no, they weren’t cold, they were men). Note the indian all the way to the right. He started the first casino, and was an inspiration to many.

Here, it appears as though some Indians got a hold of the fire water a bit early. Shhhhotttt doogggggg!

Here, we see an Indian embracing the ways of God, and the Puritan church. Stupid Indian, everyone knows that Puritans are hypocrites.

Here, we have the famed, Thanksgiving Asian. He was known as the only Asian during Thanksgiving (except for the other two that show up later), and was  known to drive his horse and buggy back to his hut while still a bit too rambunctious, resulting in a fender bender. He became the backbone behind the stereotype that we now refer to as “Asians can’t drive for shit.”

Here we see the first ever game of beer pong. It was a game played by Natives, and was first shown to Pilgrims (and Asians) on this fateful celebration. it appears that bicycles and garage doors were also invented during this time.

Here we see another Native custom, called, “Pin the Beer on the Beer”. In this Native game, a blindfolded native or Pilgrim is given a  paper printout of a Corona bottle, and must place it on the missing beer. I have come to believe that Natives also were able to travel through time, because they somehow got pictures of me in my flamingo outfit. Amazing.

At this point of the celebration, the Indian who had plans of building a casino had already built, and prospered from said casino, and here are two employees of him. I don’t know, they look more like ginnys pretending to be Indians.

I thought what I’d do was, I’d pretend I was one of those deaf mutes.”

Contrary to popular belief, no one ate Turkeys on Thanksgiving. Instead, they admired the hot bodies of the Turkeys, who had hot bodies.

Here we see one Indian (front) looking like a huge fag, while the Indian in the back is apparently trying to kill the hottest of the turkeys (it’s an Asian turkey I mean come on). However, The turkey fends off this Hatchet attack with an Italian Scuzzatch move (take you fingers as she is doing, and move them up and down while saying something like….ba fungul!). The Indian was not beheaded for his rash actions.

At this point in the celebration, a Pilgrim called out a Native’s mother, and moods were high and tempers flarred, due to the alcohol, and it was decided that the Pilgrim must be beheaded for the sake of Peace.

Instead of beheading the Pilgrim (seen on the left) the Pilgrims got more drunk, and played Never have I Ever, and King’s Cup, both of which are shitty games invented by Pilgrims (Puritans are boring). this game made one Indian (seen right) blackout drunk.

I have a feeling that this must be an ancestor of mine, considering that he looks God damn amazing….look at those hammys! Certainly a proud warrior….probably 22 years old.

If you’re wondering how I managed to find these true depictions of the first Thanksgiving, I have no answer for you. I just found them Happy Thanksgiving everyone (belated).


25 thoughts on “The True Story of Thanksgiving

  1. When I looked at the title of this post, I thought it’d be a post in which you post pictures of yourself and your friends in otherwise embarrassing costumes while doing some random shit like standing on a room semi-naked, but you surprised me with this highly intellectual post and historical facts that were thought to be lost forever. Good job.

  2. LOl this is hilarious!! I had no idea about any of the history of thanksgiving, I just thought that thanksgiving was some random day that you can thank everyone around you xD guess not.. thanks for the historical story 😛 this is definitely the best thanksgiving post I ever read. omg is that you in the last pic?? LOLOL nice.

    • People give thanks on Thanksgiving? News to me. My family doesn’t even say grace. We just use Thanksgiving as a reason to eat and watch Rocky (which wasn’t FUCKING ON THIS YEAR! (although Home Alone was, and that movie rules.)

      And yes, that is me.

    • I would be enthralled and exuberant if you would elaborate as to why you have a hard time imagining me watching all those anime on several of my latest posts. If it because those titles don’t seem to fit my character?

      • Umm…I think I always picture how the people who write each blog must look like base on my own opinion. It’s natural that my imagination differs from the real person. BTW, I didn’t mean anything negative about you. Actually, your personality kind of match your style in writing. 🙂

      • @ Blur: But how though? (I’m just curious)

        @ Canne: Oh no I didn’t take it like that at all, I don’t take anything negativly usually, even if it is negative. I’m too laid back to care about negative comments.

        If you want my writing to match my personality, my writing would be more like this:

        “dosbnodfbodsfbsdfobhvudfiubfjbxciuvhadsviodfhg******fgosndobfsidnbdfsiubhfdhh and then he pooped.”

        I’m much more organized on my ISSS than in real life. For example, some picture I chose not to put up, because they were……well anyway, cheers.

        Also, I think everyone’s the same when they picture a blogger as something and whatnot. For example, I used to think that Baka-Raptor was an actual real life raptor, when I now know that he’s simply a human who has the ability to change into a raptor. You learn things.

  3. Lol, dude that looks so fun. I wish I could have blogged about a good thanksgiving, but unfortunately I cannot….man, turkey sucks anyways…

  4. @ bluedrakon: I hope Christmas is this good (my neighborhood is crazy, and I’m going to bet that there will be a similar party…..I’m going to another themed party this weekend actually…holy shit my life is kicking ass right now (except that I have barely any money).

    @ FaS: Costume includes:

    – One piece of cloth, 3 yrd by one ft (approx)
    – One head dress (feathers, more cloth, pretty simple)
    – Something to wear under the loincloth (I chose speedo, although if it wasn’t a family function, I would have had a completely different loincloth (an actual one) with nothing underneath)

    Girls include:

    – One Vagina
    – Two boobs
    – One ass

    That’s about it, I purchased goods from AC Moore and the street corner downtown (girls)

    @ Baka-Raptor: Luckily this entire season is null and void. I expect word from the commissioner any day now to announce it.

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