Attention Jesus Freaks

WARNING: This is the worst post I ever wrote. Ever. I would delete it, but I like some of the pictures in it.

Go fuck yourselves. I’m sick of you God obsession, sick of your bullshit, and quite frankly, I’m sick of you. I think it’s time I tell you just why you are all fucking moron. Get on your knees and pray, I’m about to smite you with some knowledge.

Surprise! I am actually God!

Surprise! I'm actually God!

Let me first give the actual definition of a Jesus Freak:

Jesus Freak /n/: A person who devotes every part of his being to serving God, and never disobeys Him in any way.

Ex: This faggot.

Wait a minute. I feel the need to show that whole picture, and suddenly point out all that is wrong with it.

This faggot has no clue how ridiculously stupid the quote on top of his pre-pubescent, braced up, blonde-hair, blue eyed head looks (by the way, Hilter liked blonde hair/blue eyed people, and this kid is wearing red, so he is probably a Neo-Nazi fuck). First of all, there isn’t a single Christian on the planet that knows what rock is (just look at Creed, they suck). Second of all, true Christian girls are nuns, and they’re celibate.  They’re married to God, hence the wedding rings that they wear, so they only have sex with God. Unless your idea of “rock” is hanging out and playing cribbage or something gay like that, then no, my stupid Nazi, Christian girls do not “rock” (and they don’t even put out! What the fuck is good about that!?).

I was about to make valid points that greatly deminish the credibility of Church in general (really not hard to do at all, but whatever), but instead I feel the need to make fun of more Jesus Freaks, soooo:

Because what says "I love Jesus" more than a girl showing a skimpy shit in a very promiscuous way?

Here we see what is presumably a girl with extremely leathery hands, about to take out her shirt in the name of the lord. What a SLUT. This totally goes against everything that the Bible talked about…I know, because i once read a few pages until I got bored, and decided that God was a whole bunch of bullshit.

Wait, you’re an athesist!?

No, but sort of.

Okay, please tell me you didn’t brand the word Jesus onto your entire arm. I hope for your sake that this isn’t real. You don’t need Jesus (he’s on your arm anyway) you need a psychiatrist.

Looks like Jesus forgot to save one person.

This guy was the extreme extent that a Jesus Freak can take, this dude, Stevens something or something Stevens (Rollibard might be his name?) was literally crazy about Jesus. Literally. Crazy. Thinking it was the end of the world (or something) he kidnapped some people and threatened to shoot at planes. Go figure. Jesus saves another.

The rest of this post is kind of dumb until the end. The end is funny just because of the picture.

I thought God was supposed to be forgiving? Also, where in the Bible does it say that being gay is against God? I guess you’ve spoken to God, and he told you that he hates fags. Just to let you know, people who have claimed to have “spoken to God” usually end up becoming serial killers or something. Why don’t you secretly gay nut jobs worry about yourselves? Also, you’re dragging the American Flag on the ground, and that’s illegal. Also, to the man in the yellow poncho, not only are you disrespecting yellow ponchos everywhere (which should be a crime, because who doesn’t love yellow ponchos?), you’re wearing really gay pants, and glasses during a cloudly day. In this sense, you are not only protesting against yourself, but you better be fucking blind, because glasses on a cloudy day does not make you a bad ass. Also, “Repent or Perish?” says who? You? Are you going to physically kill every gay person out there? If not, I doubt that gay people will die just because their gay. You guys are just making yourselves something to laugh at. I could protest against gays much better than you could. Too bad I have no ambition to do so.

Now it’s time to get into some other stuff:

The Essence of Jesus Freaks

God's "love" fails all the time. Like when he flooded the entire Earth, and killed pretty much everything.

A good way to describe a Jesus Freak is someone who is a freak of Jesus. Jesus freaks can’t think for themselves, so they commit every waking hour to God. What a bunch of Holy Fucking Shit. God (if he exists) didn’t create people just to have things to worship him . That would be retarded. God created people to live their lives, because he is bored and needs something to watch. If you were a God, what would you do? Life as a God would probably get pretty boring, so why not create creatures, and watch them do a shitload of different shit? That’s kind of interesting. Maybe throw a flood at them for a few laughs, who knows?

Jesus freaks thank God for everything, like their lives…..what lives? All you do with them is pray to God! You have no lives (warning, next link not safe for….err….life). Jesus Fucking Christ there is nothing more stupid than a Jesus Freak.

Want a good example of a Jesus Freak? Well, I should say more of a God Freak. Terrorists. They’re all God Freaks (or Allah freaks). They kill themselves, and think that it will get them into Heaven, where they will be given room in paradise for 100 family members, 72 virgins to fuck, 35 US dollars and a bunch more weed (I don’t make this stuff up). While on the subject of “paradise” let me just say…

Heaven is Either Impossible, or False Advertising

Just what am I ensinuating here? That Heaven doesn’t exist? That it is actually impossible for it to exist? Yes, and this time, I finally remembered my proof.

Let’s take a scenario. Well take a person, and call him……Barn. Barn is a really Holy freak. He loves everything about God and praises his name to the fullest. He does good things, gives to charity, and so on and so forth. In essence, he is a perfect deciple of God. However, paradise to him would include cutting people up, murdering people, raping women, defiling society, and doing pretty much anything he can that was violent and sinly. He has certainly lived his life by God’s word though, so he should get into Heaven, correct? HOWEVER, if Heaven is paradise, and paradise to Barn is to do all of those crazy things, then what the fuck happens? Does he not go to Heaven? This is impossible, because he has met all of the criterea. Does Heaven become a place when he can brutally kill people? No, because that goes against the word of God, who happens to run Heaven (he threw Lucifer out of Heaven for not following rules, so surly the same would apply to Barn. What we have here is called contradiction. Heaven contradicts itself…and this isn’t the only way, allow me to delve farther.

Perhaps you die and go to Heaven (lucky you!). You can’t wait to meet your family and friends up there. However, maybe they don’t want to see you. Maybe paradise for them is to be alone or with people who aren’t you. Maybe none of your friends liked you. Here we have conflicting views of paradise. How do we solve this? You will not be in paradise if you can’t be with your friends and family, but they will not be in paradise if they are with you. Someone has to lose, but Heaven is supposed to guarantee eternal happiness, so what the fuck happens?

What about a skitso? A person with multiple personalities? Say one personality is evil, and kills people literal, while the other is a saint, and prays to God always. What the fuck happens here? Do you split said skitso crazy person up? That can’t be, because it’s still one person we’re talking about. The good book says that a person, not a personality, gets into Heaven or Hell, and if the good book, wasn’t specific, then the good book has holes. And that makes God someone who does shoddy work, and it makes me more inclined to pass up on putting my belief in Him (I’m still slightly religious, I just converted to Muslim over the summer, but then changed back to Christian, sort of (I really was Muslim). I might become a Jew, so that I could have a career as a stand up comic or a lawyer, still not sure.

I have a few more scenarios, but I’m too lazy to write them (and I forgot them).

Hell Does Exist

How the fuck can I say that Hell exists when Heaven doesn’t. Well, first of all life on Earth could be considered Hell, but if that doesn’t work for you, here’s how I picture Hell:

Do you ever get one of those itches that you just can’t seem to get rid of, even if you scratch the fuck out of it? Sometimes I’ll have an itch on my finger of back of my hand or something, and I can scratch it, and it won’t go away. It will itch EVEN AS I’M SCRATCHING IT. THAT’S FUCKING ANNOYING!!!! Okay, now imagine that, IN YOUR BRAIN. If that’s not Hell, I don’t know what is. An eternal itch in your brain? I would lose my mind and try to break my head open, but the fact that Hell sucks, would not allow that to happen. You can’t get used to an itch. You can wait for it to go away, sure, but you can’t get used to it. I HATE ITCHES. However, pleasure is easy to get used to. If you give a mouse a cookie…….

Why did you write this post? Just go back to making fun of pictures, it’s more entertaining then all of this “deep” shit.

Right you are, voice of reason! Deep shit is stupid, I don’t know why I wrote those few, correct paragraphs. Anyway…..

This guy is a Jesus Freak. No actual proof on that, but seriously, what the fuck? (This picture was taken from a blog I  randomly discovered, and immediately realized was awesome)

Did anyone actually finish this post? Talk about a dumb post. I need to step it up. Queen’s Blade post next (the new episode is finally subbed).