Considering that this is my 500th post (HOLY SHI-), I thought that I ‘d do something to amuse…..me. Basically, the other night, I had a splendid idea. This idea was one that could actually change the world, and I’m not even joking about that. What’s the idea that I had?
Suck my dick. And here’s why:
When you meet me, you’ll find that I’m a person who can deliver misery and complaints, usually coupled with a general air of annoyance, into any conversation. When you talk to me, my socially awkward disposition can turn you away, and maybe even lead you to dislike me. This is because no one is sucking my dick! If someone were sucking my dick when I was talking to you, then I would most likely be quite cordial, friendly, and articulate.
You know what, before I continue, I would like to point out that this post has nothing to do with anime, and everything to do with sucking my dick. I’m even going to do you a favor and tell you just HOW to suck my dick.
When you suck my dick, I prefer 3 things, and 3 things only:
- My dick.
- Your mouth.
- My dick being sucked by your mouth.
That’s it. That’s literally all that I want when a person sucks my dick. You may have noticed that I never differentiated between gender, race, or age. This doesn’t mean that I would be okay with a White/Hispanic/Asian/Black 5 year old boy treating my johnson like a straw. That’s just fucked up. In fact, anything outside of a hot, legal girl putting my literal dick in her literal mouth and sucking is just unacceptable.
However, all sorts of people can still suck my dick (including the previously mentioned White/Hispanic/Asian/Black 5 year old boy)….FIGURATIVELY. That’s right, you don’t need to preform a sexual act to figuratively gargle my marbles. I guess this means that I prefer more than three things when having my dick sucked. Figuratively sucking my dick could include any of the following:
- Telling me that I’m awesome.
- Talking about me in a positive way for hours on end.
- Giving me money or steak on a consistent basis for no real reason.
- Stalking me (as long as you are a hot, female person above the age legal for sexual activity, so that you can suck my dick both figuratively, and literally).
- Literally sucking my dick (provided you are a somewhat attractive, legal aged, female)
I could go on, but I’m sure by now you get it. But maybe you still haven’t realized how sucking my dick could help the world. Well let me put your queries to rest. I’ve already said that sucking my dick could yield a more approachable me. And a more approachable me means a me who doesn’t complain, doesn’t ignore, and above all, creates brilliant ideas. Who knows what marvles and ideas lay untapped in my brain, just poised for the opportunity to reveal themselves to the world when someone starts sucking my dick? The last time I had my dick properly sucked, I was in college (true story), and a girl was sucking my dick. Suddenly I had an idea. I threw the whore off of my dick, and created the ipod in TWELVE SECONDS. That’s right, I developed and produced the first ipod. Unfortunately, after I made it, my dick wasn’t being sucked, and I never got a patent. The idea was stolen shortly thereafter (in case you’re wondering, no, this story does not at all match the timeline of reality, and is incredibly inaccurate, that’s because when I wrote it, no one was sucking my dick).
So we already know that sucking my dick is good for industry and technology, but what about other things? Well, did you know that sucking my dick cuts down on methane by 51%? I bet you didn’t, but look at it like this:
I fart every other minute. In fact, I farted 2756 times while writing this post (also does not match timeline of reality). But when my dick is being sucked correctly, I have no need to fart. Why not? Well, as you know, farts have long been the standard approach people take toward repelling the company of others. I hate people, so I fart a lot to keep them at away from me. But if you’re planning on sucking my dick, I have to allow you to get 3 feet away from my body or closer, so that you can get a proper sucking in (think about that for a second). Not only that, but every time I get the hoover treatment (the vacuum or the President, either one works), I emit a hormone that converts harmful pollution into ice cold beer. Shit, I guess sucking my dick can also get you drunk!
So now I have given you several reasons to suck my dick: General attitude change, good for technology, and good for the environment, but have you heard that sucking my dick cures cancer? Probably not, because it doesn’t, but it does cure the common cold, chromosomal diseases, and mental retardation why the fuck would I want a retard suc-
Anyway, I’m not asking you to suck my dick simply to give me pleasure. I mean, I am, but I’m also asking you to do it to help the world. Hmm, this post is kind of short for a post about my penis, and people sucking it. Oh well, maybe if someone was sucking my dick, this post would have been better.