EDIT: For some reason, WordPress decided to publish this as a post from Feb. 20th, when it is clearly the 27th. Basically, I got WordPressed (new word bitch). Luckily, (because I’m used to WordPress fucking up) I always make sure that my post is correctly published in a new tab before exiting out of the post’s edit page.
I feel like writing a post on dreams, so I’m going to. There’s going to be porn involved (That guy said porn!) (relevant at 2:00) Basically, there are many types of dreams that I think everyone has. There are also some that I’m sure only a few have. Whatever this post is going to be long enough as it is, I might as well just start.
EDIT: At almost 3000 words, this is obnoxiously long. If you can read the whole thing, you rule.
So, dreams. What about them? Obviously everyone has weird dreams, otherwise they wouldn’t be called dreams. Sometimes dreams can be realistic. Sometimes you know that they’re dreams as you dream them. Sometimes you kill people in your dreams. Sometimes you die in your dreams. Sometimes you wake up from dreams and don’t know who or where you are, and even after you spend a few minutes thinking, you still don’t know what day it is. Basically dreams rule. They’re almost like doing various drugs (probably?). But how far have you done in your dreams? To what limit have you pushed the reality and vividness of your imagination? Or I should say, how far has your imagination pushed you?
Scene #1: Killing Intent?
I hope you don’t read this and think that I’m some kind of psychotic, because then my cover will be blown and I’ll have to change states/names again (that’s a joke). We all have dreams that involve us killing or kicking ass, right? It’s just a part of our human nature. As humans, we are animals, and no matter how much we differ from those in the bush, we still all contain the basics instincts of an animal: protecting territory, hunting, etc. So maybe you have a dream about kicking someone’s ass for whatever reason. But how bloody do they get? How badly do you kick ass? Me? Well, when I’m in la-la land, I’m a bad motherfucker.
1. Jail Makes You Awesome
I recall one dream (it was actually pretty funny/awesome) where I had just gotten out of jail. I was in jail for 3 years, and although nothing happened in jail, and I didn’t do anything to get there in the first place, I came out of jail thinking that I was a complete bad ass. I went to a bar the first night back, and saw a bunch of friends. One of my friends asked me what it felt like being out of jail. What did I do? I punched him as hard as I could in the face and laughed at him.
“Sorry dude, I was in jail, I’m a bad ass now.” I told him, as if my fist connecting with his jaw was completely not my fault. For some reason, he believed me, and for the rest of the dream I just went about kicking and punching people, without being held accountable for my actions. It was going to jail meant you were allowed to beat people down. That was a fucking great dream. A dream that I’m sure everyone’s had, so let’s turn up the heat a bit.
How bout the dream where you bash people heads in, crush skulls, and kill people in rather violent ways? Like when you take someone by their feet and swing them (as if they weigh nothing) headfirst into the corner of a concrete wall about 7 or 8 times. Personally, I love dreams like this. They’re good stress relievers. Fortunately for society, things a person dreams are completely disconnected from real life…..right? Oh, if you want to hear the full dream of that last part, here it is (you can skip it if you want, but I wrote it down after I woke up, so I might as well share it):
2. This Could Be A Sick Movie
The story starts off with a kid who is getting sort of bullied by three other dudes, a tall thin dude, a big, kind of fat dude, and a normal, athletic type dude. Then one night he stumbles into a facility that is building highly advanced weapons, vehicles, etc, and is incorporating nanobot technology into said objects. By accident, The main character gets injected with nanobots, which allow him to use all of the weapons and super human strength (one must have nanobots in their blood system in order to use the technology, kind of like the special guns from Shoot Em Up).
The main character (we’ll call him Jeff DURRDURDURR) grabs a motorcycle and takes it out for a spin, as the company had no choice but to incorporate him into their experiments. While getting used to the bike (which kind of resembles the bike from Akira, except black and dark blue….everything in this dream is a shiny black or blue kind of metallic color), he notices the kids who bully him, and shoots them with the bikes gun (all he has to do is think it, because he’s connected to the bike through the nanobots, kind of like in AVATAR). However, the bike does not shoot bullets, it instead shoots really small darts (almost like a pellet gun) that are meant to weaken windows/walls, so that you can just drive the bike through them. (Don’t ask me why it doesn’t just shoot bullets, putting a gun that shoots window breaking pellets seems pretty pointless to me). So it doesn’t do much but make the bullies mad.
Later, the bullies break into the company and get nanobot technology injected into them (this company has pretty shitty security apparently). They steal weapons and start running amok, including beating the shit out of Jeff. Jeff eventually recovers, and stocks up on weapons and cars from the company (that only nanobot users can use). He goes after the trio of bad guys, but they kind of kick his ass again.
After chasing them around, he gets them in the companies building, and literally pounds the shit out of the fat dude’s face. But the fat dude isn’t even hurt (like, I was taking him by the feet and smashing his head into a wall). Eventually, he gets parts to put a sniper rifle/shotgun together thingy (there’s interchangeable parts to make any kind of gun you can think of), and shoots the skinny guy and the main bad guy down (the fat one is finally knocked out). The thin dude is dead, but the other one is just hurt on the ground, Jeff shoots him in the face with the sniper rifle. The end.
Scene #2: Wait, Am I Dreaming?
You ever wake up from a dream and have absolutely no idea where you are or what’s going on? Yesterday I woke up and didn’t know my name. I then remembered my name, and then convinced myself it was both Thursday and Friday at the same time. Keep in mind that I was awake at this point. Dreams can have that kind of effect on people. Sometimes as well, dreams can have an effect on you even more. Here are my examples:
1. The Tower
In one dream, I was in a narrow, tall, and cluttered tower. This tower had four walls and was Japanese style (duh), meaning wooden, paneled walls, and a bunch of shit. It also meant that I was in a fight with another dude while climbing the stairs (which were all crooked, as was to tower…and there were birds flying around too. It was all bright colors and chaos). We were obviously using katanas, since Japanese shit seems to be all that my retarded brain is capable of thinking about. At one point, I got sliced across the front of my shin, and let me tell you, it actually felt like I got sliced across the shin. Almost right away I woke up, and it still felt like I had been sliced across the shin. 5 Minutes later, it still felt like I had been sliced across the shin. The entire rest of the day, IT STILL FELT LIKE I HAD BEEN SLICED ACROSS THE SHIN. How was that possible?
Obviously you hit your shin on something while you were sleeping.
Oh sure….then where were the marks on my shin? Also, I have a nice, big, queen size bed, and it’s positioned in such a way that to hit my shin on anything at all, I would have had to get out of bed. But when I abruptly awoke, I was laying in my bed, under my covers (technically, cover….I only use a comforter, sheets are too annoying and complicated). Therefore, there was nothing I could have hit anything on, and I wasn’t sleep walking.
Scene #3: Dreams With Girls and No Sex
1: Orange Haired Babe
Have you ever fallen in love with a girl you made up from your mind in a dream, and then woke up and became really depressed for a week or so that she wasn’t there? Well I haven’t, but I almost did. A long time ago (maybe high school) I’m pretty sure I might have fallen in love with a girl I completely made up from scratch. She might have had orange hair (I’m not talking about a redhead, I’m talking about bright orange, died hair) and blue eyes, and she might have had a great body. She might have not even talked, and the dream might have lasted only 20 seconds. What the fuck is wrong with me? Next example.
2: They tried, to kill, my wife (that quote has almost nothing to do with the actual dream)
Take last night for example. I got married in my dream…..I got fucking married. I’m not sure if this was a dream or a nightmare, but it happened. I’d say it was a nightmare, because every time me and my wife (who was hot, but didn’t have much of a chest) tried to fuck, one of our kids would need attention. That’s right, I HAD FUCKING KIDS IN MY DREAM. WHAT THE FUCK!
So we’re in this house, trying to get it on, and then my kid starts crying (at this point in the dream, I wasn’t even aware I had kids until they started crying). One was an infant boy, and the other was a girl who just learned to walk. So instead of getting some PUSSSYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY that’s actually not real since it’s a dream, I had to take care of the kids. Then my wife has the audacity to say that I don’t spend enough time with the kids, when I’m the only one who takes care of them! What a whore! Needless to say I hated the women from this point on in the dream, and didn’t even try to get more pussy. Anyway, I had a basketball game (for some reason I was on a Men’s League team, which in my dream world got the same amount of attention as the NBA, go figure). So I was playing, and my fucking good for nothing wife who is now a stuck up bitch just let’s the kids run wild during the middle of a game. My team is inbounding the ball, and my kid (the boy, who can now walk I guess) is just walking around on the court like a moron. I didn’t want to make the kid cry, so I pick him up and bring him back to my shitty fucking wife who needs to be slapped since she can’t even watch her own kids, and tell him that I’ll let him come on the court later but he can’t go on the court.
Needless to say a timeout was never called and the game was never stopped, so my team has now missed me for 3 possessions, and we’ve been getting handled. Thankfully, I woke up soon there after. Moral? Never marry a girl with small breasts, and don’t have kids. Seriously though, the earth only has so much space for people. By the way, have you seen Mai Otome yet? No? Wtf is wrong with you people (the ones who haven’t seen it)
I actually saw it long, long ago, but that video was suggested to me by YouTube, and I thought it was pretty good soo….
Scene #4; The Flying Dream
My Asian friend was talking to me about his dream where he was flying, and he described it exactly like mine are. For the record, I’ve never gotten that fucking star.
In a typical flying dream, flying is not that easy to do. I don’t know how good you are at flying in your dreams, but chances are, you’d crush my ass in a race. When I fly it’s usually a struggle just to stay up (insert funny boner joke here). I almost always have to do the triple Mario jump to start flying, and when I’m airborne, my style of flight is almost exactly like in Mario 64 when you have the flying cap:I go up, and then down, and then up, and then down, etc. Sometimes it’s not like this, but I’m really gritting it out to fly, and I’m also not that high off the ground. I don’t really like the flying dreams, because they’re a bit of a struggle
Scene #5: The Teeth Dream
Every have a dream where your teeth either fall out, crack and fall out, or break? I hate these dreams, and they’re all the same:
- My teeth break into huge chunks and fall out of my mouth.
- I put them together like a puzzle, and shove them back in.
- They stay for a bit, but not for a long time, and I can feel them clicking together (like the pieces). Yikes. Just thinking about it sucks.
That’s all I want to talk about with that dream.
Scene #6: The Anime Dream
Dreaming in animation is cool, and when you watch as much anime as I do, you’re bound to dream in animation at least once. In fact, I have only done so once. And sadly, it involved me (a teacher) taking my class of middle school girls to a fair or amusement park or some bullshit. Ugh.
So I’m a teacher. This dream reminded me a lot of Mahou Sensei Negima, as far as my class went. Before you even ask, no, I did not fuck with any of my class, nor did I even have any desire to. As a character, I was a teacher that did a LOTTTTTTTTTTTT of slapstick. at one point, I was on a roof somehow, and jumped off and grabbed a rope that was hanging. This did nothing, as I simply fell and landed on my face (kind of like the old Looney Tunes). The whole dream was pretty much non-sense and slapstick, and was generally fun, although there were way too many colors. Also, I don’t think that I was animated. I’m pretty sure I was normal, then again, this dream happened a long ass time ago.
Scene #7: Auntie Emm! Auntie Emm! It’s a Twister! It’s a Twister!
The relevant part is literally at the very end. If you mistook the title for a Wizard of Oz reference then you’re fucking retarded.
Dreams with tornadoes. I have one at least once a month, and they always kick ass. It usually has a shitload of tornadoes and other than that, not much to say. This post has been winding down, and so I leave you with this song, which I literally just found, and is FUCKING GREAT if you’re into this kind of stuff……reminds me of Mirror’s Edge. On that note, anybody want to give me a free Xbox 360?
This starts to pick up around 4 minutes, and get nasty. Here’s the original, which is a cool French song (I don’t know French, but from the video, it looks like it might be about a guy who can’t even NOT get tackled/held back by a girl! What a bitch!):
C’est la vie!