Note of the Author: This long post is pretty long, and certainly isn’t short. Neither is it a medium length, but it is instead rather long. Be not concerned with calling this post neither short nor medium in length, accepting only that this post is indeed long. Extravagantly small is right out.
Okay seriously though, this post is kind of long, and broken into two sections. Accepting that the sections in the post are not one, nor three, but t-
Right. So. The first section deals with my personal, awesome, super, and at some points humorous gym experiences. (2nd through 4th period are the funniest ones). The second section goes on to talk about Gym in anime, and what I think about it. So if you don’t care about gym (wtf?) and just want the anime section then just scroll down. Or just don’t read this post, and keep being a bitch. If you somehow manage to read this whole post, you win something. What do you win? I have no clue. Probably nothing.
Remember the subject in High School that no one really seemed to like (at least that’s how it was at my school). Maybe you’re still in high school, and maybe, even as you read this, you’re in your library right now, not doing that History report that’s due soon. Thanks for choosing Eye Sedso over work. Anyway, the subject I’m talking about is, of course, GYM (aka P.E., which is the way douchebags says it).
Gym. We all know it as the class where the fat lesbian gym teacher would make us play some kind of sport like badminton or softball or something. It’s a given, everyone has at least one gym teacher who is a lesbian, or at least lesbian-looking. And I’m not talking about the hot kind of lesbian. Those kinds of lesbians, by law, are not allowed to become Gym teachers. I’m talking about the butch lesbians, which the really short hair. The ones that try and talk in the deepest voice possible, and don’t shave any of their body hair. Sometimes, these lesbians walk around with a sausage stuffed down their pants, just to see what it’s like. I was lucky enough to have three lesbians like this. The first was in elementary school, and I didn’t understand what she was exactly, because she was so guy-like, yet called miss. I became traumatized from the incident, and now I love lesbians, especially in anime.
But I digress. In my days, nobody seemed to like gym. They would complain and figure out ways to not have to do anything. Most of these people were girls. Specifically, BLONDE GIRLS (God I hate blondes). Now I am very competitive by nature. Even in the Aniblog competition, anything less than the Championship Tophy that Snark is purchasing with his own money and sending to the winner will piss me off. If I’m out the first round, I might even delete my ISSS. That’s how com–…..wait….what’s that? He’s not buying a trophy? Really? It’s a tournament, you’ve got to have a trop-
I digress again. It’s pretty obvious, that due to my competitive nature, I not only looked forward to Gym, but I also DOMINATED in Gym (because no one really tries, so it’s not hard). In fact, because of my competitaveness, I got into trouble a few times/created a few funny situations, which I will get to in a bit.
1st Period: Handball
In gym, a subject that only lasted half a year in my high school (the other half was Health [bleecchh]), there were a few sports that select students waited the whole year to play. The most anticipated of these sports, and all PE events- nay, all High School Events, was the completely ass-kickingly awesome sport of Handball.
Handball, for those who don’t know, is a game where the object is to throw the ball…..in the goal. DUH. Here’s awesome video(s):
Handball is something that everyone should play. Now, lucky, my Gym teacher was, at least at the time, awesome, and so we were able to play with actual handballs, aka, they bounced, they had a leathery feel to them, they were easy to throw. They also only lasted a half of a year before most of them were broken or stolen, and then we had to switch to shitty gator balls. Now, we were all broken up into teams, and I’m pretty sure everyone took it completely seriously (in our Gym set up, you could choose one of four sports to play, and you would play that sport for the next month or so. It was a good deal). We loved handball so much that we even tried to start a handball club. How awesome would that have been? I”LL TELL YOU! VERY AWESOME!!!
For those of you who don’t get the rules, you dribble the ball, and you have to shoot from behind that semi-circular line. Of course, you can jump over it and score, as long as you’re feet aren’t touching the ground, hence we preformed all sorts of aerial maneuvers in games. It’s kind of like a mix between basketball, hockey, and Air Master.
Anyway, Handball kind of sucked the next year, because no one except me was as serious about it, and the balls were shitty, but the first year we played, Handball kicked ass. God damn I want to play some Handball right now.
2nd Period: Softball
I love softball. It kicks ass. One thing about softball in gym, is you couldn’t strike out. Of course, this rule was abolished when I had an at bat lasting about 10 minutes, in which I recorded about 32 swinging strikes. Then I batted lefty and got a hit. I should also mention that there were about 30 people in the outfield, and the whole thing was shitty. This was before they decided to separate gym into 4 different sports which helped to lower overcrowding of a specific sport. Anyway, this at bat was a fluke, which is why I’m sharing it with you. I hit bombs son….BOMBS SON BOMBS!!!!
Anyway, here’s a funny story: I had the habit of hitting a ball, tossing my bat, and sprinting as fast as I could to first. Little did I know, I wasn’t really tossing the bat, but instead, I was throwing launching it at the teacher. Whoops, my bad. After doing this about 4 times in a row, and getting yelled at by pretty much everyone, I was forced to sit down. The teacher in charge at this time was one, Mrs. Leahy, a short, fat teacher with a bowl cut. She was awesome when she created handball, but perhaps it was this incident that made her start to be a HUGE BITCH (technically, that’s a pun, and you’ll see what I mean later on).
3rd Period: Bloody Nose Girl
Volleyball was fun. I remember freshman year, I was serving in one game. Now, one thing you should know is, when I serve, I don’t have any control over where the ball is going to end up. It might be a nasty ace. It might go directly to my left. It might even go behind me. But one thing I can do, is hit the ball really really really really hard, because I just curl my hand up into a fist and smash the crap out of it (I have since changed the way I serve. My intramural team for college this year won the championship, and it was all because of me, and when I say all because of me, I mean not all because of me).
Unfortunately for this small, frail girl, she was standing in front of me when I was serving, and for some reason, was turned toward me so as to watch me serve. Let me just say, that’s not what you’re supposed to do. Our teacher even said, “Don’t face someone when their serving”. Guess what? LINE DRIVE TO THE FUCKING FACE!
Let it be known that this is the proudest moment that I’ve ever had in gym. And let it be known that I did the EXACT SAME THING TO THE EXACT SAME GIRL THE VERY NEXT CLASS!!!!!!! She never talked to me again, which is fine because she wasn’t sucking my dick at any point.
4th Period: Floor Hockey
Let it be known that I take my Gym seriously. How seriously? Well I was playing floor hockey, and the ball was kind of stuck in the corner, I was trying to dig it out against some kid on the other team, and wouldn’t you know it, my teacher blows the whistle. At first, I assumed that she simply mistook the whistle for a dick, because there was no reason for the whistle to have been blown. Then I realized that this was silly, because huge lesbians with bowl cuts don’t suck dicks. Next thing I know, she tells me to sit down because I was being “too out of control”. WRONG MOVE LADY. YOU DON’T DO THAT TO EL GUAPO. (3:17)
I threw the stick down and immediately tried to fight her. Well okay, I threw the stick down and my arms up, and said, “For what!?” in a rather loud tone (as you can tell from the punctuation marks that I used). I didn’t actually try and fight her. After she sent me to the principal’s office, I realized that I was making a huge deal out of a call in Gym class, and she was a fat whore with a fucking bowl haircut. The principal forced me to write a letter of apology, which I wrote in the most unsympathetic way possible with out actually seeming unsympathetic. IE: I wrote a page of bullshit.
Here, look at how she’s rated (I wonder if I’ll get in any leagal trouble for this): LINK
WHORE BITCH! WHY DID I GIVE HER 4 STARS FOR EVERYTHING!? GRRAAR! Go and rate her, and give her all zeros. Under the comment section, type: Because Eye Sedso! Will anyone actually do this? If you want to live, than yes.
A few months ago, I parked next to an SUV in a parking lot, and it was apparently her car, she complained to me that I parked too close, but not in a good way. A normal person would simply say something like: “You’re a little close, can you just move it over a bit?”
I would be happy to oblidge if someone said that. But this bitch is different. She’s fat and has a bowl cut. Her face also reminds me of Oscar the Grouch mixed with a smushed potato. She simply stood there, and peered into the space between my car and her huge SUV, which is obviously the only thing that can support her massive weight. I looked at her and she made no attempt to communicate with me, so I shut my car off, OPENED MY DOOR WITH PLENTY OF ROOM, and got out of the car. She then kept peering in at my car. I wondered if she recognized me. I was going to say hello when she said:
“Little close there?”
I responded with: “Yea, haha.” and then I left. IF YOU WANT ME TO MOVE MY CAR THEN JUST TELL ME. DON’T FUCKING INSINUATE.
5th Period: I Played Hurt
Leave it all on the gym floor baby. Considering that I’m always hurt in some way though, this really is just a filler to try and get 8 periods (because school had 8 periods…or 7….I can’t actually remember to be honest).
6th Period: It’s AUTOMATIC
Who says all awesome gym things have to occur in high school? It was Middle school when me and fellow anime enthusiast, Oballer were playing kickball (probably dominating), and decided that no matter what happened, everything we did was automatic. Any ball kicked to any of us was an automatic out. Any time we were up? Automatic homer. IT’S AUTOMATIC SON! Pretty much the greatest boast ever created (it lasted from middle school till forever), and we said it literally after every play……
I guess you had to be there.
7th Period: Badmitton
KICKED ASS. Me and Zak Mayo. UNBEATABLE. SMASH FROM BACK COURT SON NO PROBLEM SON!
Seriously, I would force feed opponents volleys, and after the games, girls were all over my shuttlecock.
8th Period: WE DON’T MISS NO SHOTS!!!!!
Well, here we go again. Coin another phrase for the duo of Glothelegend and Oballer. This time it was us two, and two girls on a basketball team. One of the girls (Molly) stood around (I could’ve banged her I bet, she actually used to talk to me a lot, and flirt with me, but I didn’t understand what it meant). The other girl (Kelsey), was actually decent. Or at least she was good for a girl (Lord knows that girls-).
Anyway, after absolutely DESTROYING EVERYONE (in gym, we only had tournaments….yea, it was awesome), we decided that WE DON’T MISS NO SHOTS! SON! Werd.
So then we played the football players in the finals, 4, athletic, well-oiled machines, vs, me (who was skinny as fuck), a girl who did nothing, a girl who was okay, and oballer, who was on the basketball team and took most of our shots and got all the boards.
Did we win? FUCK YES WE DID! BBYYYYYYYYAAAAWWWWW!!!
Gym in Anime
Perhaps you decided to skip all of my shitty INCREDIBLY AWESOME gym stories and came down to this section, because you are interested in anime gym classes more than real life ones. Perhaps you simply thought that I was going to talk about bloomers, being that they’re in almost every anime that features gym class, and you happen to have a huge bloomers fetish. Well if you thought I was going to talk about bloomers, you were DEAD WRONG.
When I said that you were dead wrong, I meant that you were dead right. It seems to me that whenever you have a gym episode of any anime, it centers around two main topics: bloomers and swimsuits. Frankly, I never got to swim in gym, and needless to say, I was kind of mad. A nice pool session halfway through a day of sitting in a hot classroom sounds pretty good to me. But I’ll talk about that later. First things first. Bloomers.
I have never actually seen a real life girl in bloomers, and frankly, as a person who has never set foot in Japan, I doubt their scholarly existance. When I googled “bloomers”, all I got were these pants, which I’m pretty sure are made strictly for hookers on pirate ships:
Pirate hookers aside, the only way I could find gym bloomers was to type in “anime bloomers.” Well, actually, that’s the only other thing I tried, but I bet it’s the only thing that would work. So regarding these mythical garments (the gym bloomers)… Does anyone wear them? I mean besides the people who have a fetish for them, and have their wives and girlfriends dress up like middle school gym clothes. Does anyone actually wear them for gym classes? I simply had to research this.
After actually searching, the only picture I could find was this one:
However, this girl is certainly not in gym class, and bloomers certainly don’t look good in her, which puts two thoughts in my mind:
- Girls don’t wear bloomers IRL.
- Girls probably shouldn’t wear bloomers IRL, because not all girls are good looking (see above photo…how old is that girl btw? Not old enough, or at least too age ambiguous.) Can you picture a fat girl in bloomers? How about an anorexically skinny girl? Eye Sedno.
Still, I didn’t want to leave my research half-assed, so I looked a bit longer. Finally I found a picture of Japanese girls in gym class, and no bloomers (picture not shown for legality purposes….actually I’m just too lazy). So what’s the deal? Did bloomers die or something? I think I recall them talking about bloomers in Ranma 1/2 or Azumanga Daioh….saying something like: “does anyone even wear bloomers anymore?” Don’t quote me on that though. Well, bloomers are still alive in anime, and probably will be forever. And I think that’s fine with most people.
This is pretty much going to be me talking about how stupid it is that our school never had swimming as a gym activity. The Japanese apparently have it swim every chance they get in class, at least according to anime, which, as we all know, is exactly like real life Japan in EVERY WAY.
So as I was searching for “Japanese Gym Swimsuits,” just because I had never seen an actual person in one, and I accidentally got horny and jerked off. Not really, but I did see a lot of hot girls in swimwear. None of them, however, were Japanese, and none of them, I noticed, had anything to do with any school. Didn’t I type both words in the search bar? What the hell, Google?
It was at this point that I realized the search filter was on, which is a silly thing to do. I clicked it off.
Well, I finally found plenty of picture of girls in bloomers and swimsuits now. Only thing was, they were all porn sites. I got horny and jerked off 6 more times (actually I didn’t jerk off at all, which is surprising?). Whatever, it became clear that I wasn’t going to find an actual girl in a school swimsuit, but that’s fine, she’d probably be underage anyway, which is a waste really.
So what gives? Why no swimming at my school? I don’t want to hear any BS like, “Oh we don’t have a pool” or “There’s not enough time to get changed.” That’s bullshit. I mean, no, we don’t have a pool, but there’s one right down the street. And yea, there probably wouldn’t be enough time….our school should buy a pool. Plenty of other schools had pools. Our school was probably bigger than all of those other schools, but did we have a pool? NOOOO. We have to put all of out money into FUCKING VO-AG and our FUCKING FOOTBALL TEAM (which always seems to lose the state championship). Just because most of our VO-AG (agricutlture) does our football fields and shit means that we have to give them new buildings and stuff? I call BS.
Whatever. I hate both anime episodes related to bloomers and swimming. They’re never funny, they’re usually fanservice of some kind, and the only pool episode/gym episode I enjoyed was from Azumanga Daioh, because nothing is bad about that show. So what am I saying from this post?
Real Life Gym is awesome, but Anime Gym SUCKS.
Gym Class Heroes piss me off. Ever try finding pictures of any type of gym class activities on google? FORGET IT.