It has come to my attention that some people think that my job is to “act like a jerk, to be blunt, crude, swear a lot, and make it funny.” Although I generally succeed gracefully in all of these aspects, this certainly isn’t how I want to be known of or remembered by as an author. Maybe something about seeing it in writing made it really hit home. Jerk? Crude? Blunt? (wait…what’s so bad about being blunt?) These aren’t really kind things, and I’d like to change these thoughts of me. Therefore, I felt that I should work to clean up my act, and to start, I decided that talking about the innocent students of middle school should really change opinions of me….I’ll start writing this as soon as I finish filling out the checks to my usual charities……okay, done.
Middle school kids are dirty fucking brats. I honestly hate all of them. I even told my Refuse to Come Wack’s little, elementary school brother the other day that when he becomes a middle schooler, he’s really going to start to grind my gears, whether he think he is or not.
And for the record, no, I don’t hang around with kids more than half my age. You see, I was working on a grueling landscaping endeavor, which only a man of muscular fortitude like myself could possibly handle, when he came over to tell me and my good adult friend, Dean, that he hates Japanese people, because they all cheat. Needless to say, me and Dean were a bit shocked by this angry announcement from a child not even out of Elementary School. When we inquired how it was exactly, that Japanese people are cheaters, he replied by saying that they cheat because they “came up with a cheat thing for Pokemon, like a game shark.” When I told him that Japanese created Pokemon, as well as pretty much everything else on Earth, he said that he could’ve made Pokemon. I would love to talk about this conversation, because it’s literally the funniest thing ever. If you want to read the rest of this innocent, racist, funny conversation, then by all means, go to the bottom, I’ll talk about it more in depth. For now, back to the topic. A middle school student.
I’ve never seen a shittier life form in my life. People should be allowed to legally beat these beasts into submission just for sport, because most middle school children seem to think that the world revolves around them. They all think that they’re always right, and that they can get away with anything. Want some examples? I could give you millions, seeing as I work teen zone at the YMCA on Friday nights. Pretty much it’s a 3 hour event where a shit load of middle schooler come and act like assholes.
I don’t want a kid. Let me rephrase. I do, eventually want a kid. I would most likely spoil my kid, treat him or her like greatness, and transform into a huge pussy after having a kid. You should all pray I don’t have a kid anytime soon (doesn’t look likely anyway). But I think that during the times where this child of mine is in middle school, I’m going to DIE, or run away for a few years until my child has moved on to bigger and better things. I work as a supervisor to middle schoolers at a teen program once a week at my local YMCA, and even though I’m only there for 3 hours, it’s fucking hell. These dip-shit kids (all 200+ of them) act like they’re tough shit. And it doesn’t help that nowadays, we can’t even raise a voice at a child because we’ll get sued for “disrupting their psychological state of mind” or some over dramatic bullshit like that. Look, I fell down the stairs headfirst when I had only just learned to walk, But I got up like nothing even happened (I’ve got that on tape and it’s literally the funniest thing ever).
One time, a kid brought in a knife to this event. Another time, TWO kids brought in knives. There’s always a fight. Kid’s come in high and drunk. HIGH AND DRUNK. MIDDLE SCHOOL. WHAT THE FUCK ARE THESE KIDS DOING WITH THEY’RE LIVES!? I may be a crude jerk, but even so, these kids are the FUTURE. What does this mean for us? I wasn’t both high and drunk at the same time until I was in college, and trust me, it’s a bad combination for a 21 year old, much less a 13 or 14 year old. What’s the NEXT generation going to be like? It seems to me that with every new generation comes worse and and worse behavior at earlier and earlier ages. Not coincidentally, in my opinion, people are becoming more and more politically correct. Stripping teachers and parents even of the ability to govern their students. It’s now abuse to spank you’re children. Really? That’s bullshit. It’s not abuse to lightly spank you’re child when he’s bad. It’s not like you’re taking a bat and pummeling them into the ground. Besides, it’s not like parents feel good about spanking their children either. America is becoming a pussy, and it’s effecting our youth. Anyway, middle schoolers (WOW I got off track…and kind of serious too).
Demons, all of them. Filthy brats with no sense of discipline. All of these kids are growing up to be bratty, self satisfying pussies. Right now I’m talking about the contents of this shitty nation. Ie: the shit. Let’s get this shit started:
RED: Look at the kid’s face. Look at his camo shirt. Look at his skater shoes and long hair. This kid thinks he’s a real rebel. He thinks he owns the world, and that he’s better than everyone. He’s the type of kid who will talk to you like he’s better than you, because he’s a real bad ass. He’s not just on equal footing with you, an elder, he’s above you. What a joke. Cut your hair, you’re not Tim Lincecum, he’s actually skilled at something. You’re just a waste of life. I bet you sit around all day playing video games. Go have your mom buy you a new toy you cunty piece of shit.
YELLOW: Look at you miss know it all. You’re just like Camo-Boy, except female. You just know everything, huh? You love to just boss everyone around like it’s nobody’s business. And if someone doesn’t like what you say? TALK TO THE HAND! Say that shit to me and I’ll smack the shit out of you*. Chances are there’s a LOT of it.
* = I’d probably honestly give her a high five first…I mean, if someone puts their hand up at eye level, you kind of have to do it.
LIGHT BLUE: What the FUCK is this kid doing? The “call me” signal? That’s pretty cool, BRO. And look at your face BRO. No smiles there. God knows that face muscles are only for talking shit. In your case probably on a phone, far away from physical backlash. What a pussy. You need to get your ass beat badly.
Don’t you talk shit on a computer? Far away from physical backlash?
……uhhhhhh………………we’re moving on to pink.
PINK: This girl isn’t smiling either. You know why? She’s a snobby, stuck up bitch. She expects life to be served to her on a silver platter of gold*. Good thing it hasn’t been yet, because judging by the roundness of her face, she’d probably eat it. Whore.
* = a silver platter of gold? That makes no sense, but for some reason was hilarious to me.
BLUE: Well look at this. Is this what I think it is? A middle school GANG!? Holy shit, I guess times are tough for these kids. I mean, they need to form gangs to survive in their suburban schools with their peers who are dressed in all sorts of designer clothes. I hope these guys have bulletproof Hollister tees on. I can already tell that the kid with the backpack on thinks he’s tough shit. He really needs to be kicked in the throat.
GREEN: This girl is your typical “never shuts the fuck up” girl. Give the yapping a rest you cunt! I bet you talk all day about how Stacy and Brad might be together but they really aren’t but maybe they have an interest in each other but if they don’t you think that Brad’s kind of cute and that maybe you could date Brad but maybe you don’t want to but may- SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!! The teacher tells you to stop talking, and what do you do? First you agree to stop talking, and then you just keep talking!!! She sends you to the office and you’re all like, “I don’t care, I’m awesome and in middle school. Go ahead and do it!” Someone really needs to be punched in the mouth so that it has to be wired shut and that you can’t talk for weeks. Even you’re classmates are annoyed by you.
WHITE: These dudes are fuckin gay. Actually, I don’t have any problem with them being gay, but THIS IS A SCHOOL!!! NONE OF THIS SHIT!!! YOU’RE UNDERAGE!!! WHAT’S GOING ON IN THESE SCHOOLS TODAY!? The girl in the tye-dye is gay with the girl behind her (look at the other girl, she’s all up in Tye’Dye’s shit!), but they aren’t having a cuddle session in the middle of a class-picture. You guys will never live this down. Everyone knows not to come out of the closet until high school.
You can also spot, right between yellow and red, some Group-Girls. Aka, girls who go to the bathroom together, in order to put on makeup together and shit together. They also dance at dances together, go to the mall together (like yeahs!) eat together and they’ll grow up to be nothing more than 4 single friends who don’t get any action, and all live together with cats. Good luck with that.
God I hate middle schoolers. It’s sad that we were all like this one day. In fact, there’s only one genuinely awesome kid in this whole picture. Can you find him?
Continuation of the Japanese Racist Story
So my friends small child brother comes up to me and my adult friend Dean, while we are working on a manly landscaping project, and pretty much rips on Japanese people as hard as he can, calling them “cheaters for making a cheat device for GameBoy DS.” Obviously this boy is a child and doesn’t fully understand marketing strategies and what sells. First a little background on this child, who, for legality purposes, I will simply call “Thomas”. And Dean is being called “Dean” for the same reasons I guess. Not their really names probably.
Anyway, here’s a profile of Thomas that I made. Eye’s blocked for legality reasons. I forgot to block them.
“Thomas” is a child who is, for lack of a better word, OBSESSED WITH POKEMON. He doesn’t like anime, but we all know that being obsessed with Pokemon could lead down that path. Anyway, it baffles me how a kid so obsessed with something as Japanese as Pokemon could hate Japan and Japanese people? Personally, I love Japan and Japanese people, which isn’t really hard to see considering my loving personality and kind nature.
So me and Dean are mulching, digging, hauling, etc (well, Dean is just watering plants, he’s paying me to do this, so he’s not doing any real work). Thomas comes up to us and just starts ranting on Japan. He has his GameBoy DS in hand (I think it’s actually melded itself to his body at this point), with the latest Pokemon game loaded up. I this conversation started when I told him about the black and white versions which I knew were newest, I think from reading it on CSW a while back. He got all excited and started talking about Pokemon, got into Japan and how they cheat.
Me and Dean decided to have some fun with him. For these conversations, which probably won’t be funny to any of you, Anything Thomas says will be in Red and anything that either Dean or I say will be normal type. Dean started off:
“Digimon is way better than Pokemon.”
Thomas flared up: “NO! Pokemon are way better. Digimon are in computers (I have no idea what he’s talking about, I’ve never seen Digimon, nor will I ever)”
We made fun of him, and then the convo got serious when we asked,
“Do you have a girlfriend?”
“I have 3.” (kid’s a pimp somehow)
“What if there was a really hot Japanese girl in your class, and she really wanted to go out with you, and she would do anything for you, would you go out with her?”
“Yeah, to punch her in the face!”
Then we got to the economy.
“Do you like Pokemon?”
“Yeah, it’s the best.”
“But you hate the Japanese.”
“You realize that Japan made Pokemon?”
“Yeah, but they also made a cheat game for it, they’re cheaters.”
“But they made the idea of Pokemon.”
“So, I could make it.”
This went back and forth. Later, he came up with:
” I hate Japanese people.”
Yeah, but without the Japanese, you wouldn’t have any video games. There would be no Game Boy and no Nintendo.”
“I want to move to Japan.”
(“Wow, he changed his mind just like that?” I thought)”I thought you hated Japan?”
“I want to move there and then at night I can go around and kill people.”
(wtf!!!)”They all know karate though.”
“So? I can beat them all up.”
What the fuckkkkkkkkkk!??? I laughed my ass off. This kid is so small, and he was shitting on Japanese people, the Japanese economy, the Japanese industry, pretty much everything except Pokemon was shit on. I mean, the kid’s in 5th grade, so it’s not like he’s completely oblivious to everything. He knows what he’s saying. He obviously won’t actually do any of it (he said legally), and he honestly probably doesn’t mean any of it, but it was hilarious for me and Dean to go back and forth, making fun of Pokemon to get him mad, and giving him different scenerios about Japan to see his reactions. If you read this last section, you probably wasted your time, because it’s one of those, “You had to be there and actually know the kid” kind of things. Sorry for wasting your time. Actually I’m not. Goodbye.
I Guess I Should Add A Reaction to Janette’s Comments:
You said that my job is to “act like a jerk, to be blunt, crude, swear a lot, and make it funny.” Honestly. Yes, it kind of is my job, except I’m not getting paid, so it’s not a job. Wtf is up with that? Should I ask for some money or something? I’m pretty poor, and could always use an extra dollar.
The only thing I disagree with is being “blunt”. I still don’t see what’s wrong with being blunt just calling things as I see them? You were being blunt when you said that my job was yadda yadda yadda. Crude? I don’t know about crude. I feel like that would insinuate that I have no intellect, which I have plenty of. I could easily write a post that compares and contrasts two things, brings up new ideas, etc. In fact, usually I do, but I just don’t find that as fun as writing whatever I want to write. When I feel like writing an intelligent post, I’ll let you know. And even when I’m being abrasive, I feel like I still bring up decent points. Also, I’m only a jerk when I need to be, which is a lot. You would have to admit that I’m being quite cordial (at least I think I am) right now.
As for episodic blogs. Yeah, I don’t like them. Well, not totally true. I like some of them. TJ has kind of an episodic thing going on, and I like his blog a lot. Klux, one of my top five favorite blogs in the world, written by my wife who I’ve never really met or married IRL, but who is still my wife, is a bit episodic, but she writes in an awesome style (a bit like mine).
I guess in the end, it’s all up to the person and their general interests. Yi (or someone…I thought it was Yi, I can’t find the quote now though) said it best:
“It’s amazing to see that we all have our own cliques, even in the blogosphere”
As for the smack talk, it’s all in good fun. I might tell someone he’s a little pansy and his blog is such a huge piece of shit that it’s tearing a hole in the ozone layer. I might poke fun at my opponent and call him a Nazi. I might even accuse him of touching babies. But when it’s all said in done, we’re all in this together, moving forward for a better future. Think of the children! Peace on Earth!