Nintendo 64 Will Kick Your Ass

I found this deep in my drafts. I’m not even sure if I finished writing it, but I’m not going to check, I’m just going to put it up.

Holy shit! I was reading a nostalgic post indeed when I decided that I just couldn’t keep quiet anymore, and simply HAD to state a fact that I’m sure everyone already knows and agrees with, and that is that Nintendo 64 is the greatest gaming system ever created.

But what about PS3? Or XBox? Or Wii? Surly those are superior!

PS3 is awesome, but still not as good as N64, XBox SUCKS because it BREAKS DOWN ALWAYS. And don’t get me started on the wii.

So why does the N64 kick ass? Well, it’s mostly because of the incredibly awesome games, which I will get into in a bit. But just look at that picture. If you don’t have a full erection by now (or completely soaked cooch), then you should seek mental aid. Everything about this is just sexy. It’s obvious to me that a better looking controler has never been designed (holy shit I just completely bugged out. The words just got all wavy. That was weird. Anyway). Such a system core as good as this obviously does not exist. When I was young, this system was the shit. Anyone who was anyone had one. Now, it still is.

First of all, there’s no loading times. At all. None. I loved that shit, because I’m really impatient. It goes right from one thing to the next. That’s the shit right there.

Second, and most important, is the games.

The Games

If I didn't already have a perfectly good art project to use as a bowl, I would definitely use one of my now broken controllers!

The Games kicked serious ass. In fact, the first time I ever played Super Mario 64, I didn’t even play it, I watched my friend play it. You know what? I still had fun. Let me list off just a few games and tell you why they kick ass.

Doom 64: This was the first game I ever had. In actuality, I don’t even like this game. I can’t see shit because it’s too dark. Brighten the screen up you faggots! I mean seriously. How am I supposed to see if I can’t even tell what the fuck is going on? That being said, I played it the other day (even with brightness all the way up I can’t see shit), and the BFG is fucking ass-kickingly great. The game as a whole though is kind of dumb. You know what game doesn’t suck? Mirror’s Edge. You know why? For many reasons, one being everything is bright as fuck. But that game is for Xbox 360, which is a shitty gaming platform, and I’m still waiting for one of you to give me your Xbox 360. Seriously, send me one (email me at and I’ll even give you the shipping address).

Zelda: Ocarina of Time: This game kicks ass. Do I even have to get into this? It inspired a mix tape of epic proportions. The gameplay is great.

Goldeneye: No one can beat me. Except one kid I played, who literally shut everyone out. Of course, I still managed to make it close. (this kid was unreal. You didn’t even get enough time to get a gun, but that’s just because he memorized the Stacks level completely, and refused to play me on any other level, because he knew I would beat him, and he was a huge bitch. I could crush him if I played him again, but he was a douchbag anyway. I’d rather just kick his ass in real life. What a faggot. He’s probably dead now I hope). This is the best shooting game ever. Until Call of Duty was created, but no, call of duty is not for N64 either, and Goldeneye is actually still a better game.

Mario Kart 64: Oohhhhhhhhhhhhh shittttttttttttt. I got good at this game during Freshmen year of college (one of the best years in my life). At one point, I could do every cheat, from the Rainbow Road shortcut, to the shortcut on the bridge in the snowman level. But then I stopped playing and at this time, I’ve determined that the game cheats and my controller is always broken when I play.

Super Smash Brothers: Ohhhhhhhhhhhh shittttt. I’m better than Robert. We once played 99 lives and then the game froze at like….5 lives left. Or I just made that up. I would’ve won. In fact, I’m pretty sure I did win another time we did that, and then laughed in your GOD DAMN FACE. And yes, I lay as Pikachu, because I liked Pokemon when it came out, and then I got NASTTTYYY with him. I also like Luigi, but I want to get good with Samus now. They should make a Metroid live action movie with a hot girl playing Samus. Lucy Lui is hot, but wouldn’t be good for the part. That was random. Drew Barrymore is ugly.

NBA Hangtime:

These guys get SCREWED at the end of the first quarter. I actually laughed.

I want to play this now. I use all of these quotes when I fuck around at the park playing ball during summer. The best quote? ABDURRRRR RAHEEEMMM. And his shot, which is crazy in this game (it’s pretty much a line drive). For the record, in real life, I can dunk (no I can’t, but almost).

1080 Snowboarding: The only reason the sequal of this game sucked was because it wasn’t for N64 and they didn’t have Kensuke Kimachi or Deon Blaster, who were the two best players in the game. The makers of this game were racist, considering that they removed the only two people who weren’t white (they left an Asian girl in there, but let’s face it, no one’s going to be a girl in a sports game, because most people like to win).

All Star Baseball 2000: Here’s a game where I actually played a whole 9 inning game with my roomate (freshmen year) on ROOKIE. We were up till 4 AM, and the game lasted I think 5 hours or some crazy shit. He won 106-99, because he had last ups. This game is awesome.

Star Wars Racer: Does anyone actually call this game “Racer”? I never have. I call it podracing, and I kick ass. Suck a fat one Robert, I beat you at this game. I kick your ass like an Ass-Kicker. “Pizza….hee-hee” (either you get those quotes or you don’t).

There are many many many many more games that rule, but I’ll be here all day if I start naming them all. I didn’t even mention Super Mario 64 or Mario Tennis.

EDIT: This draft was old, and so now I’m just going to put it up, because I wrote so much that I don’t want to just delete it…..I guess I’ll ask a question or something to give this post a point…

What was you’re favorite N64 game?


40 thoughts on “Nintendo 64 Will Kick Your Ass

  1. All of these gems are great, but I’d give my award of favorite N64 game to Ogre Battle 64 ~Person of Lordly Caliber~ which is easily one of the best strategy games that I’ve ever played. Story was also pretty kickass too with all the betrayal and whatnot going down.

    Well, I’ve always had a soft spot for the Ogre Battle franchise, so I’m totally biased here!

    • I’ve never even heard of that game. But not a lot of people have heard of Clayfighters 63 1/3, and that game kicked ass too.

      I must check this game out. I bet I can find a ROM of it if I can’t find the actual game itself.

  2. Oh the nostalgiaaaa~ But N64 is already going too far. My favorite is on the SNES, in the form of A Link to the Past. Boy did I play the hell out of that game. Must’ve ran through it a good dozen times.
    Mario Kart and SSB probably would’ve stood better with me if my friends didn’t repeatedly butcher me while I was a noob.

    What’s this lack of love for the PS2 though? That thing was a faithful tugboat. Maybe not for me, but one of my friends still has his gen-1 ps2 from like thirty years ago, working fine. Persona’s on PS2, and every vital fighter ever.

    • I only played SNES ONCE in my life. I was deprived as a child. I loved regular NES though….still haven’t beaten Mario.

      I certainly haven’t hated on PS2. I still play it a lot, and I’ve had that system for years and years….it still runs like new. And I’ve got the gen-1 PS2 as well. Only thing wrong with it is the controllers are finally starting to go. Luckily, those are replaceable.

  3. N64 is still my favorite gaming platform. The newer ones, for the most part, just lack something. And the N64 has the advantage of charm, so I guess it’s hard to compete with that! The only one that comes close to being as nice as the N64 is the PS2. Maybe it has something to do with numbers!

    I’ve always loved The Legend of Zelda: Majora’s Mask more than any game for the N64. It’s also my favorite Zelda game in general. I’ve yet to find something as fun as a game that lets you change your appearance with masks, a game with dungeons and areas as enjoyable to play around in, and a game whose storyline was still weird while still being captivating. It’s just great.

    Also, the Harvest Moon for N64 was pwnsome and will never be bested.

    • Majora’s Mask was good, but I feel like it wasn’t close to Ocarina of Time. I honesly have been wanting to re-replay Majora’s Mask again though. I’ve only beaten it twice. It has a HUGE world though. Just thinking about it makes me want to play it really bad. Next rainy day…

      • I think that in some ways, Ocarina of Time beats Majora’s Mask. The story is more complex and overall better, it has some nicer elements (aging), though Majora’s Mask does too (masks!), but Majora’s Mask wins for the pure fun it has provided for me time and time again.

        Also, I totally forgot about it when I answered this this morning, but Paper Mario is the best Mario game ever made, hands down. Childish in design by excellent in gameplay.

      • You know, I’ve always wanted to play Paper Mario, but never ended up doing it, because I don’t have a Gamecube (it is for Gamecube right?). That game looks really good. Maybe if I can find a Gamecube for like….a dollar, then I could play it.

      • The first is for N64. The second is for GC. The third is for Wii. N64 > GC > Wii. But the graphics are so much better on the GC. The Wii just can’t compete for storyline.

  4. DOOM – Who Cares
    Zelda – Can’t really make comparisons
    Goldeneye – I HAVE beaten you before, just ever so rarely, so don’t talk shit like you’re a champ
    Mario Kart – I’m better than you, shortcuts don’t require skill you dunce
    Super Smash Brothers – Don’t say you’re better, admit that it’s evenly matched. Yes you’ve beaten me with 99 lives, but I’ve beaten you like that too. And yes there was that time when it froze with 9 lives left. So irritating.
    NBA Hangtime – Awesomeness.
    1080 – Gay. I could never figure it out.
    All Star Baseball – I got bored of this game.
    Podracer – I used to be good at this game but now you’re better than me…only because I stopped playing it though

    • When did you beat me at Goldeneye? I must have erased it from my brain. I think Matt beat me once. I was probably sick or unconscious when you beat me.

      You got bored of ASB because I kept destroying.

  5. Thanks for the pingback~!

    I didn’t play too many games on N64, at least compared to Sega Genesis. But my favorites were Pokemon Stadium 2, Smash Bros., and Golden Eye.

    Can you recommend a good N64 emulator?

  6. I’d have to go with Jet Force Gemini as my favorite game. There’s just something satisfying about instagibbing countless insects with the Tri-Rocket Launcher.

    • That was one game I only played once, and can’t remember how it was. I think that I didn’t get it, and at the time, refused to believe that anything was comparable to Goldeneye in terms of multiplayer mode, and so I didn’t like it.

  7. The Nintendo 64 was the second video games console I ever brought, while the Sega Saturn was my first.

    The Best Evar N64 games I’ve played was Snowboard Kids and Pokemon Stadium (Pokemon Snap was pretty crap in my opinion).

    Heck, I still got my N64 console sitting in the living room with all my games in the shelf!

    *goes off playing N64*

  8. anyone who says anything other than Ocarina of Time is retarded. thats probably the best game of all time.

    also, FUCKING 1080. I’m going to play it right now. KENSUKE KIMACHI! My brother set the high score on the half pipe, although he used the Pandaman so its kind of cheap, and its impossible to beat that score. It makes no sense. He did like double back flip 1080s that i dont even think were tricks in the game. fucking cheating bastard. anyways, 1080 would be #2 if it were a 4 player game.

    my #2 goes to Jet Force Gemini. I think I only beat it once, cuz it got really hard, but that game was soooo much fun. The story mode was NASTY and the multiplayer games were fucking awesome. Who knew blowing people up could be so much fun? Oh, I did, because I love blowing people up.

  9. oh one more thing. it pains me to say this, but i think that SSB Melee is actually better than the original. its almost like going against my religion but there are more characters, the fighting is better and more fluid, and actually the game is just all around better. (not that SSB sucks).

    and we played 99 lives in SSB Melee in my basement a few times, i forget who one tho, i think it was all different cuz we played with 4 ppl. oh, and you used pikachu in that game all the time, then when you didnt use him, you used pichu… which was just a faster more annoying version of pikachu… your annoying.

    • PS1 = Loading times, worse graphics, no Zelda/Goldeneye/SSB.
      N64 = No loading times, better graphics, better games.

      However, I will say that since N64, I haven’t really liked a single system Nintendo has come out with. PS2 is good. In fact, I’m going to play mine right now after I shower and poop.

  10. The 360s don’t break anymore so they’re also good.
    PS1 had MGS, Alundra, FFVII-IX, Crash Bandicoot, Lunar 1/2, Gran turismo, Final Fucking Fantasy Tatics(best turn based RPG ever)and I could go on but I’m afraid I’d reach the word limit.

    But N64 has Perfect Dark.

    Also, the N64 had less storage space than the PS1, so either the graphics were crap or the games were crap/short(with the exception being pretty much ayithing made by Nintendo)

    The Wii has FUCKING MONSTER HUNTER TRI. The winner is obviously the Wii..

    • Wii? Wii? WII!?

      I will shit on a wii. It is my belief that the wii is the worst gaming system ever developed. I almost want Nintendo to go out of business because of it’s existence.

      • i fucking hate the wii. and i love nintendo too.

        i actually own the SNES, N64, and Gamecube. But fuck the wii

  11. More forgotten N64 games that too good: Bomberman 64, NCW/NWO Revenge, and Starfox 64. I mean, c’mon, how did Starfox not even get an honorable mention here? Shame shame.

    Too many good memories on the old ’64, just too many. Still have it hooked up, and it does indeed sit right atop my 360 as a testament to its greatness.

    • Yea Starfox was good, although I can’t really remember it. I never really played it that much because I could never find it anywhere (to buy). A friend of mine had a copy he was going to give me, but instead he decided that breaking it would be more fun.

  12. I skipped straight from the SNES to the PS2. My only regret is that I never played the Ocarina of Time. Once I get rich (3-5 years from now), I’m fixing that.

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