I found this deep in my drafts. I’m not even sure if I finished writing it, but I’m not going to check, I’m just going to put it up.
Holy shit! I was reading a nostalgic post indeed when I decided that I just couldn’t keep quiet anymore, and simply HAD to state a fact that I’m sure everyone already knows and agrees with, and that is that Nintendo 64 is the greatest gaming system ever created.
But what about PS3? Or XBox? Or Wii? Surly those are superior!
PS3 is awesome, but still not as good as N64, XBox SUCKS because it BREAKS DOWN ALWAYS. And don’t get me started on the wii.
So why does the N64 kick ass? Well, it’s mostly because of the incredibly awesome games, which I will get into in a bit. But just look at that picture. If you don’t have a full erection by now (or completely soaked cooch), then you should seek mental aid. Everything about this is just sexy. It’s obvious to me that a better looking controler has never been designed (holy shit I just completely bugged out. The words just got all wavy. That was weird. Anyway). Such a system core as good as this obviously does not exist. When I was young, this system was the shit. Anyone who was anyone had one. Now, it still is.
First of all, there’s no loading times. At all. None. I loved that shit, because I’m really impatient. It goes right from one thing to the next. That’s the shit right there.
Second, and most important, is the games.
The Games kicked serious ass. In fact, the first time I ever played Super Mario 64, I didn’t even play it, I watched my friend play it. You know what? I still had fun. Let me list off just a few games and tell you why they kick ass.
Doom 64: This was the first game I ever had. In actuality, I don’t even like this game. I can’t see shit because it’s too dark. Brighten the screen up you faggots! I mean seriously. How am I supposed to see if I can’t even tell what the fuck is going on? That being said, I played it the other day (even with brightness all the way up I can’t see shit), and the BFG is fucking ass-kickingly great. The game as a whole though is kind of dumb. You know what game doesn’t suck? Mirror’s Edge. You know why? For many reasons, one being everything is bright as fuck. But that game is for Xbox 360, which is a shitty gaming platform, and I’m still waiting for one of you to give me your Xbox 360. Seriously, send me one (email me at email@example.com and I’ll even give you the shipping address).
Zelda: Ocarina of Time: This game kicks ass. Do I even have to get into this? It inspired a mix tape of epic proportions. The gameplay is great.
Goldeneye: No one can beat me. Except one kid I played, who literally shut everyone out. Of course, I still managed to make it close. (this kid was unreal. You didn’t even get enough time to get a gun, but that’s just because he memorized the Stacks level completely, and refused to play me on any other level, because he knew I would beat him, and he was a huge bitch. I could crush him if I played him again, but he was a douchbag anyway. I’d rather just kick his ass in real life. What a faggot. He’s probably dead now I hope). This is the best shooting game ever. Until Call of Duty was created, but no, call of duty is not for N64 either, and Goldeneye is actually still a better game.
Mario Kart 64: Oohhhhhhhhhhhhh shittttttttttttt. I got good at this game during Freshmen year of college (one of the best years in my life). At one point, I could do every cheat, from the Rainbow Road shortcut, to the shortcut on the bridge in the snowman level. But then I stopped playing and at this time, I’ve determined that the game cheats and my controller is always broken when I play.
Super Smash Brothers: Ohhhhhhhhhhhh shittttt. I’m better than Robert. We once played 99 lives and then the game froze at like….5 lives left. Or I just made that up. I would’ve won. In fact, I’m pretty sure I did win another time we did that, and then laughed in your GOD DAMN FACE. And yes, I lay as Pikachu, because I liked Pokemon when it came out, and then I got NASTTTYYY with him. I also like Luigi, but I want to get good with Samus now. They should make a Metroid live action movie with a hot girl playing Samus. Lucy Lui is hot, but wouldn’t be good for the part. That was random. Drew Barrymore is ugly.
These guys get SCREWED at the end of the first quarter. I actually laughed.
I want to play this now. I use all of these quotes when I fuck around at the park playing ball during summer. The best quote? ABDURRRRR RAHEEEMMM. And his shot, which is crazy in this game (it’s pretty much a line drive). For the record, in real life, I can dunk (no I can’t, but almost).
1080 Snowboarding: The only reason the sequal of this game sucked was because it wasn’t for N64 and they didn’t have Kensuke Kimachi or Deon Blaster, who were the two best players in the game. The makers of this game were racist, considering that they removed the only two people who weren’t white (they left an Asian girl in there, but let’s face it, no one’s going to be a girl in a sports game, because most people like to win).
All Star Baseball 2000: Here’s a game where I actually played a whole 9 inning game with my roomate (freshmen year) on ROOKIE. We were up till 4 AM, and the game lasted I think 5 hours or some crazy shit. He won 106-99, because he had last ups. This game is awesome.
Star Wars Racer: Does anyone actually call this game “Racer”? I never have. I call it podracing, and I kick ass. Suck a fat one Robert, I beat you at this game. I kick your ass like an Ass-Kicker. “Pizza….hee-hee” (either you get those quotes or you don’t).
There are many many many many more games that rule, but I’ll be here all day if I start naming them all. I didn’t even mention Super Mario 64 or Mario Tennis.
EDIT: This draft was old, and so now I’m just going to put it up, because I wrote so much that I don’t want to just delete it…..I guess I’ll ask a question or something to give this post a point…