Here’s The Dance

Well, today (or yesterday), me and my good friend over at Refuse to Come Wack partook in a pairs figure skating contest at our camp, at which we both work. Before you get all giddy and click on the video without reading this like a fucking shit-fuck. First read the background shit:

  • All campers and counselors were split into countries: Norway (me and said friend), Finland, France, Canada, Iceland, and Holland.
  • Over the course of 2 weeks, these countries faced each other in different “Winter Olympic Events”. Obviously, it is not winter, so we improvised.
  • After each event, each country was awarded a medal to fit their place: 1st gets gold, 2nd gets silver, and so on and so forth. 6th got plastic.
  • This was the final event of the session. As of this point, Norway (the country LED my yours truly and said friend [literally, we were in charge of the country]) had a slight lead, and we were also up last in this event. We also needed a perfect ten to win the event (40/40), because a previous group wowed the crowd with a 39/40. We weren’t scared, and thusly, when we were called upon….

That’s me in the beard. I don’t understand why my legs are so fucking skinny. It’s not like I don’t run. I can run for fucking days. God hates me……..butttttttt he DOESN’T hate Norway, because we not only got a fucking 40/40, perfect score, double rainbow all the way, but we also took 1st place overall in the entire session. Basically, I kick serious fucking ass, I always win, I’m the best, and everyone else sucks. And just or shits and giggles, at the end of the day, I also won counselor of the session for the West Coast (best counselor out of all the counselors who are in charge of the older half of the campers), so basically, yea….I kick your mom’s ass, your dad’s ass, your sibling’s ass, your pet’s ass, your entire family tree’s ass, and most importantly, your ass. I’m the best, and everyone else sucks.

We even messed up the Fusion technique, and we still got a perfect score. Can you imagine if we nailed this flawlessly? What would happen? I’ll tell you what would happen. Fucking Armageddon of Extacy. Chances are, you probably already came at the sight of the two of us.

Oh, and I’m not gay. I’m married after all, and chances are, my wife came at the near man-kiss featured in the video.

Extra-Extra (more self-glorifying)

No one else got a STANDING FUCKING OVATION. This marks the second time I have received a STANDING FUCKING OVATION from a performance I was in. Like, the crowd gave everyone else polite applauses, but we got a serious slaughterhouse of roars and applause. Of course, throughout the week, we had other countries carrying our flag around (literally, other countries had people rooting for Norway, because we kicked so much ass). Me and Rob kicked some serious ass. And we did it as men: Wearing womens’ leggings and children’s XL size shirts.

I wish camp equated to real life, because I would be fucking God.