I am in love with Michelle Rodriguez.
Now that that’s out of the way, let me continue with my review of a movie that was pure, kick-ass entertainment. Spoiler will be involved. I’ll tell you now that this movie is awesome.
This movie was every bit as awesome as I hoped it would be, and then some. I had been looking forward to this movie ever since I saw the fake trailer in Grindhouse. Even though I knew it wasn’t a real trailer, I knew from the second that I saw said trailer that Machete would eventually become a real film, because Danny Trejo is just too fucking awesome. I mean, I talked about this back in December. Finally, today, I saw it.
Premise: Machete, in case you’re in idiot, is about a former Mexican Federale turned illegal US immigrant. One day he’s approached by some dude who pays him 150K to kill a senator, aka Robert De Niro. However, he’s set up, shot in the shoulder, and blamed for the whole thing. What’s next? Revenge. Can’t think of a better plot. It certainly was light years better than the plot for The Expendables, which sucked cock.
Let’s see, how should I start this so that you understand the type of movie Machete is…….okay……In the first scene, a naked girl pulls a cell phone out of her vagina and calls Stephen Seagal. The rest of the movie contains similar ridiculousness.
I’m pretty sure that when Robert Rodriguez started making this movie, he just decided that he’d do whatever the fuck he wanted with it, so as long as he thought it was funny. Likewise, this movie had everything that one would expect a Robert Rodriguez movie of this sort to contain: a shit-ton of excessive blood and violence, and a lot of crazy ass ways of killing people, ranging from using intestines as rope, to weed whackers and high heels. It is for this same reason that Machete ended up containing a shit-ton of humor. In fact, I’ll go on record and say that I’ve never laughed harder at anything in a theater ever, not because it was bad, but because it was purposefully made to be funny in a bad way. There’s something funny to me about an army of Mexicans with guns going to fight some guys in cars that have hydrolics. In fact, a car actually kills on dude, because it bounces really high in the air, and crushes him. That was awesome, ridiculous, and super. Yes, it’s corny as fuck, but at the same time, it’s supposed to be like that. Pretty much, this movie was a Mexican version of Shoot Em Up, a film that I’ve been saying for years kicked serious fucking ass.
Here’s some fun facts:
- Lindsey Lohan was in this movie. She played a crack head/slut. A role she was born to play.
- Michelle Rodriguez is allowed to kick my ass whenever she wants. I will be a masochist for her, she is so fucking hot.
- Machete Don’t Text.
- Michelle Rodriguez gets shot in the head…no big deal, put an eye patch over her face and she’s fine.
- Intestines are 60 feet long!
- I’ve been saying for years that eye patches will make anyone bad-ass immediately. Not that Michell Rodriguez needs help in this area, but fuck. Look at that shit.
- I’m still not sure if this movie was making fun of Mexicans or Immigration Laws……probably both.
- The words, “Wetback” and “Bean Eaters” were used multiple times. I laughed really hard, cuz I’m a racist piece of shit apparently.
- Cheech Marin is awesome as fuck.
- Why are you still reading this? Go see this movie.
- Stephen Seagal is hilarious.
Well, that’s it. I’m going to have to go ahead and say that this movie was fucking awesome as fuck. It was very similar to Shoot Em Up, albeit not as many wise cracks. Therefore:
FINAL GRADE = AWESOME
Michelle Rodgriguez >>>>>>>> That girl who got dropped from Transformers