Today I picked up the manga Butterfly randomly. I didn’t even read the bio or anything. It was kind of bleh, until espers got introduced. Now it’s slightly above average, but still nothing to write home about. Here’s a picture: Now, this is a seemingly pointless picture if you haven’t been reading this manga, you will have no idea what this page means. It’s just a seemingly random page from the manga, depicting an elementary school girl talking about being a stalker (which she really isn’t). But this specific page got me thinking. In anime, almost all of the stalkers are female. What an awesome world! If you’ve taken time to notice (as I have) stalkers in real life are almost always men. In fact, only about 13% of all stalkers are female (I did research bitch!).
These male stalker figures are usually balding, and are typically horribly pathetic losers who can’t get laid and have to resort to stalking some girl who is way out of their league. These men typically watch and/or video tape these girls when they’re taking showers, changing, or doing other “special” tasks (like cleaning or applying paint to their kitchen walls). Then these stalkers give their stubby fishhooks a nuzzle and cry silently in the corner of their room. What a sad, sad life. However, anime pulls a 180 on everyone and usually depicts cute girls as stalkers. I’ve rarely seen any male stalkers in anime. I could probably count the amount of animale stalkers I’ve seen ion one hand, and that’s after I cut off a few fingers. I’m not complaining or anything, it’s just an observation. I love the anifemale stalker character type. Take a look at my all star stalking lineup (the ones I remember most).
Rosario + Vampire: Mizore Shirayuki
Rie Kugimiya. END. Mizore is one of the best stalkers I’ve seen. Not only does she dress awesomely, and have fucking cool hair, but fuck….she’s a pro at the game.
Nyan Koi: Kotone Kirishima
Another good stalker, she can infiltrate her victim’s home and convince her victim’s family to love her, and accept her as one of the family. She’ll also bug the shit out of your home.
Sayonara Zetsubou Sensei: Matoi Tsunetsuki
How To Deal With a Female Stalker
Now in real life, female stalkers are similar [to anifemale stalkers], but different. They’re more or less crazy bitches, and I respect that. A crazy bitch would be fine with me, as long as she doesn’t cut off my dick. Let me share with you an excerpt from this article, which explains it well: This article, which explains it well.
“For instance, they might send a male victim fifty text messages in one night, ranging from threats to declarations of love.”‘
Okay, if a girl texted me 50 times in one night, with death threats and love letters, I’d call her and tell her to come on over. Then would come the sex. We’d bang, and bang hard. All night, just banging back and forth. I’d bang her, she’s bang me….we’d be banging each other. Then, to get rid of her, I’d pull the oldest trick in the book:
Stalk the shit out of her.
That’s right, if you have a stalker, all you have to do is flip the script and out-stalk her. Follow her everywhere. Quit your job. Devote every waking hour to watching her. In fact, if you’re real good, you can even stalk her when she’s stalking you. To do this you’ll need two things. You, and a few hidden video cameras. Set them up around the places you normally go and where she would most likely follow you. Then watch the video later to find out where she stalks you from. Chances are, she has hidden hideouts already set up in several locations. Video her stalking you, and then later, show her the tapes, and even give her pointers. She’ll quickly realize what a crappy stalker she is, and she’ll get depressed. This is very important. Be sure to pound the fact that you are better than her at stalking into her brain. Eventually, she’ll be so fed up with you’re constant stalking and comments that she’ll either leave you or kill you. If she tries to kill you, then simply tell her that you love her so much that if it makes her happy, you’ll gladly kill yourself. Be sure to really let her know that you love her a lot (even though you don’t). This profound portrayal of love will confuse her to the point of tears. She’ll be torn about whether she loves you or still wants to kill you, and she’ll end up killing herself to escape the pain and confusion. Your problem will then be solved, and you’ll be free to go about your business with the pleasure of the thought that you outwitted a stalker.
*Keep in mind that this entire scenario only works if the stalker is decently attractive. The sad truth is that most stalkers are ugly as fuck. I mean, if they were hot, they wouldn’t have problems getting a lover.
On that note, I’m still taking applications for female stalkers. If you want to stalk me, you know….job’s open so…….yeah go ahead.
UPDATE: Did I say elementary school girl? Turns out that’s not exactly right.