I’ve talked about this, before, but after being sent down memory lane with no paddle by Day, it seems I have no choice but to reiterate and elaborate just how bad-ass of a Pokemon legend I’d actually be. Is this a superpower? Not really.
So Pokemon. It was a game, it was an anime….to be honest, I liked both of them at a point. The I didn’t like the anime so much. I still love the game, although this is narrowed to only the Red Version. Yeah, I know I’m old. I play it old school. All these newfangled black and white and silver and fire and crystal-ROYGBIV versions are just to much for a geezer like me to handle. So keep in mind that I don’t know a single pokemon that isn’t in the Red, Blue, or Yellow versions. BTW, Yellow version was a stupid gimmick and I hate it. Actually it wasn’t bad, but I digress. Let’s get to the meat and potatoes.
First of all, I’ve stated before that I would have no interest in fighting any of the elite 4. I would simply wait outside and beat anyone who tries to face them. What would be the point of this? No one would ever face the Elite 4, thereby destroying the fact that they actually exist. Eventually, do to lack of any pokemon battles, THEY would have to come to ME and beat me, thereby establishing that I am more important and in fact better then them. After this was established, I would rape the shit out of their pokemon in an odd, beastiality orgy of crazy pokemon sex a battle-sense.
How would I do this?
The answer is so simple is MIND NUMBING.
What’s a bad ass pokemon? Surly Blastoise, or as I name him, Torlaps, is bad-ass. He’s huge, he’s got fucking built in guns, he’s set to bust a cap in any pokemon’s ass. Not to mention the amount of turtle pussy he most certainly pulls in a given lifetime. But nay, he is not the best choice.
What about Gyarados, a dragon beast with thoughts of nothing but revenge. He’s been kicked around his whole life because he was a shitty Magikarp that couldn’t do anything but splash, and now that he’s big and bad, he wants to kick ass. Well, sorry pal, you may look pretty cool, but frankly, I don’t even use you.
Mewtwo? You have to beat him to get him, right? So that means he’s still vulnerable. I don’t need fucking Mewtwo to win. I catch a Mewtwo in the game, I don’t even use him. No, no, no. The REAL pokemon, the ONLY pokemon that anyone needs is…….
That’s right, Clefable. The grandest of all the pokemon. Sure, Clefable may look like a poor attempt by a child to turn a wad of bubble gum into something animalistic, but what Clefable lacks in appearance, it more than makes up for in usefulness. You see, Clefable is multidimensional. Not as in it can create holes in time that lead to different dimensions, but as in, it can learn more than one type of move.
At any time, my Smee-Smack (my nickname for Clefable, which is weird and dumb but I created it at a very early time in the morning and thought it was hilarious, and I just left it like that and eventually grew to love the name) will know each of the given:
- One water attack, usually Bubblebeam.
- One electric attack, usually Thunderbolt.
- One general purpose attack, usually something along the lines of Body Slam, some type of punch, or something of the sort that doesn’t suck completely.
- Usually, Psychic.
Clefable can learn many more types of moves, from fire to grass to ice. But this combo seems to work best (although I don’t know why I teach it a water move when I always have Blastoise in my lineup….I guess it’s just because water is FUCKING AWESOME, and because it effectively cancels out it’s only weakness: Rock type pokemon. If a rock type shows up, I’ll just smash it with a water move before it can do anything to me. Pretty much, Clefable is awesome.
So with that being said. I have now enlightened you with perfection of the Pokemon world. What about you? What’s your perfect lineup of Pokemon?
In other news, where the fuck is my shitty game boy and my red version? Here I have only a game boy color (which is pretty much just as shitty as my game boy advance) and a yellow version, the shittiest of the bunch (it wasn’t really THAT bad). DID THAT STUPID SISTER OF MINE TAKE IT!?