Anime Powers #2: Pokemon

I’ve talked about this, before, but after being sent down memory lane with no paddle by Day, it seems I have no choice but to reiterate and elaborate just how bad-ass of a Pokemon legend I’d actually be. Is this a superpower? Not really.

So Pokemon. It was a game, it was an anime….to be honest, I liked both of them at a point. The I didn’t like the anime so much. I still love the game, although this is narrowed to only the Red Version. Yeah, I know I’m old. I play it old school. All these newfangled black and white and silver and fire and crystal-ROYGBIV versions are just to much for a geezer like me to handle. So keep in mind that I don’t know a single pokemon that isn’t in the Red, Blue, or Yellow versions. BTW, Yellow version was a stupid gimmick and I hate it. Actually it wasn’t bad, but I digress. Let’s get to the meat and potatoes.

First of all, I’ve stated before that I would have no interest in fighting any of the elite 4. I would simply wait outside and beat anyone who tries to face them. What would be the point of this? No one would ever face the Elite 4, thereby destroying the fact that they actually exist. Eventually, do to lack of any pokemon battles, THEY would have to come to ME and beat me, thereby establishing that I am more important and in fact better then them. After this was established, I would rape the shit out of their pokemon in an odd, beastiality orgy of crazy pokemon sex a battle-sense.

How would I do this?

The answer is so simple is MIND NUMBING.

What’s a bad ass pokemon? Surly Blastoise, or as I name him, Torlaps, is bad-ass. He’s huge, he’s got fucking built in guns, he’s set to bust a cap in any pokemon’s ass. Not to mention the amount of turtle pussy he most certainly pulls in a given lifetime. But nay, he is not the best choice.

What about Gyarados, a dragon beast with thoughts of nothing but revenge. He’s been kicked around his whole life because he was a shitty Magikarp that couldn’t do anything but splash, and now that he’s big and bad, he wants to kick ass. Well, sorry pal, you may look pretty cool, but frankly, I don’t even use you.

Mewtwo? You have to beat him to get him, right? So that means he’s still vulnerable. I don’t need fucking Mewtwo to win. I catch a Mewtwo in the game, I don’t even use him. No, no, no. The REAL pokemon, the ONLY pokemon that anyone needs is…….

I have this EXACT CARD. Holographic. 1st Edition. Wish I knew where it was. And my other cards too.....I had a Holo-Blastoise 1st Edition too....God I loved collecting these cards. Never played the game though.

That’s right, Clefable. The grandest of all the pokemon. Sure, Clefable may look like a poor attempt by a child to turn a wad of bubble gum into something animalistic, but what Clefable lacks in appearance, it more than makes up for in usefulness.  You see, Clefable is multidimensional. Not as in it can create holes in time that lead to different dimensions, but as in, it can learn more than one type of move.

At any time, my Smee-Smack (my nickname for Clefable, which is weird and dumb but I created it at a very early time in the morning and thought it was hilarious, and I just left it like that and eventually grew to love the name) will know each of the given:

  • One water attack, usually Bubblebeam.
  • One electric attack, usually Thunderbolt.
  • One general purpose attack, usually something along the lines of Body Slam, some type of punch, or something of the sort that doesn’t suck completely.
  • Usually, Psychic.

Clefable can learn many more types of moves, from fire to grass to ice. But this combo seems to work best (although I don’t know why I teach it a water move when I always have Blastoise in my lineup….I guess it’s just because water is FUCKING AWESOME, and because it effectively cancels out it’s only weakness: Rock type pokemon. If a rock type shows up, I’ll just smash it with a water move before it can do anything to me. Pretty much, Clefable is awesome.

So with that being said. I have now enlightened you with perfection of the Pokemon world. What about you? What’s your perfect lineup of Pokemon?

In other news, where the fuck is my shitty game boy and my red version? Here I have only a game boy color (which is pretty much just as shitty as my game boy advance) and a yellow version, the shittiest of the bunch (it wasn’t really THAT bad). DID THAT STUPID SISTER OF MINE TAKE IT!?


20 thoughts on “Anime Powers #2: Pokemon

  1. I had the Red and my brother had the Blue… so we traded to get all the pokemon. However I’ve only played the Red Blue and Yellow. The Red and Blue were clearly the best… however the Yellow was still good, but I thought it was dumb that Pikachu followed you around constantly. I don’t care about any other new games… originals are better for everything.

    • also… The Yellow version WAS a gimmick… cuz it was just a special edition of red and blue… special edition anythings are just gimmicks.

    • Was Star Wars Special Edition a gimmick? The first time I saw Empire Strikes back was in the theaters, and personally, it was one of the best times at the theater I’ve ever had in my life. Coming close behind it was Avatar, and certainly The Dark Knight is in there too….speaking of, the new villian is NOT the riddler apparently. I kinda hope they get Catwomen in there (it wouldn’t be Hallie Berry so it wouldn’t suck). My favorite villain who is a girl is Harley Quinn, but I think that she’s only linked to the cartoon? I’m no expert, but Harley Quinn out for revenge would be nice if only Heath Ledger hadn’t fucking DIED, then they could have set that up. Now there’s no way for Harley to make her appearance, because she can’t just appear out of nowhere. Her story is clearly the most awesome. A doctor of an asylum turned crazy and awesome? Fuck sign me up for that……fucker…..give me Chris Paul my team SUCKS.

  2. It has been more than 15 years since I last saw the anime. I loved it at one point too but that was it for me. I still love the fanarts of pokemon I occasionally found but other than that, nothing much going on for me.

    • I glanced at a recent pokemon episode that was on (months ago), and Misty (aka Kasumi) wasn’t even there. What happened to her? Ash has a new wardrobe? No, no, no, this doesn’t add up at all! Good thing I stopped watching it once that stupid egg showed up. What a dum- Wasn’t the voice of Misty played by someone from Inuyasha? It sounds familiar in my head as I recall her voice….fuck it’s really familiar. I need to look this up….

      doo, doo, doo-da DEE! (that’s supposed to be the “Healing Pokemon” sound”

      Nope, neither of the English voice actresses have been in anything I’ve seen, save playing the voice of Jigglypuff in Super Smash Brothers, one of the greatest video games ever made.

  3. Snorlax.

    Body Slamslamslamslamslamslam.

    Oops, low HP.



    Wake up.

    Body Slamslamslamslamslamslam.

    Rinse and repeat.

    There’s your Pokemon power. Have fun writhing in paralyzing agony as I slam my body into yours.

  4. I probably don’t have to remind you about my history with Pokemon and how I’ve played all the main series games that have come out since 1999. But I remember the days of my Red version – my original team was Venusaur, Vaporeon, Golem, Hypno, Articuno, and Raichu. I used the item cloning glitch and raised tons of pokemon up to LV100 and later transferred them to my Crystal version which, being over 11 years old now, has deleted my game -_- But it’s not a huge deal since all my pokemon from the GBA and DS games are safe.

    With the introduction of new attacks, abilities, items, etc., in the new games, many different strategies using Clefable have been invented =) If you ever decide to get into the newer games, you should give them a try.

    • Ahh the item cloning glich. Without it, I would have never been able to catch a Venasaur, a Charizard, and an assortment of other 100 level pokemon in the Yellow Version. Nuggets are clearly the best items to clone….I’m Rich Biatch!!!!!

  5. Jynx has proven to be wicked fucking awesome to have in the line-up. It has Ice Punch, which is one of the most awesome moves ever. I especially like using it on bird Pokemon like Pidgeotto, ’cause, seriously, punching a bird? How fucking badass is that?

    I agree with Shance, though, ’cause I had Snorlax in my line-up for a while. But Snorlax can only learn one HM in LeafGreen, so I swapped him out. My Jigglypuff is enough of an HP monster that it doesn’t matter to not have Snorlax.

    I’m trying to remember my original line-up from Blue with which I beat the Elite Four the first time. I know it had Articuno, Blastoise, Jigglypuff, and Gengar, but I forget the other two. And I beat them so many times that its all glitchy now and won’t display the shit properly. Lame.

    • Ice moves kick ass. Ice Beam, Blizzard, Ice Punch…I’m pretty sure I always teach my Clefable an ice move, because they’re super effective against the Dinosaur/Dragon/Whatever pokemon, of whom you need to beat to win the league. Articuno was awesome, but at a point, I decided to stick with my Pidgeot, because it seemed harder….where the fuck is my fucking game boy!?

      • BARF Pidgeot is so lame. Normal/Flying? That piece of shit is weak against 90% of all the other freaking Pokemon!


        But, seriously, if you have access to a GBA, you should try out FireRed. The updated versions are truly awesome.

        My Jigglypuff knew Blizzard and totally killed the fucking Ghosts, while Articuno basically ate the Dragons for breakfast.

        I remember what one of my other Pokemon was! It was a Dragonair. I didn’t let it evolve to Dragonite since I didn’t want to have to deal with the weaknesses to Electric, etc. that Flying have.

      • FOUND IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

        Although by GBA I mean the very first GBA. It sucks, the screen isn’t back-lit and you can’t see shit unless you have lots and lots of light.

        Apparently I had just started a new game when I last played. I have Torlaps and Smee Smack, and I guess I named my Pidgeotto Ku-Ku. That’s an awesome name. I only have 5 pokemon though, damn.

      • That’s the GBA I’m using, too. Backlighting is for wusses! The battery cover is missing on mine, so I have to be wicked fucking careful, ’cause it I set it down with the battery side down, it’ll shut off, or if I accidentally touch the batteries while I’m using it the same can happen. Kind of lame.

        Seriously, though, I like the original GBA better than the SP. I like the way its held better, its more comfortable. The GBA also just completely throws off kids ’cause they stare at it in complete incomprehension – what is that strange device?! It just doesn’t conform to their idea of what the Gameboys looked like. This kid stared at me while I was playing it on the train the other day, and I was all like, “FUCK YEAH, OLD SCHOOL, BITCH!”

  6. honestly, Pokémon really was one of the long games in the field.

    but, I haven’t leveled my pokémon at LV100, I remembered I just raised it to LV75 and then I didn’t play anymore[I just don’t have any idea how to get through battle tent so I discontinue it.

  7. Clefable… I wasn’t expecting that! I’m no expert on Pokemon though.

    My perfect lineup will have to include Lapras and Pikachu. That’s about it.

  8. Pingback: Anime powers I would like to have | 毎日アニメ夢

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