The Pillows Are Coming!

NSFW – Well, there’s no real nudity but there is one image that I had to censor…….wait, why are you reading an anime site at work anyway? Stop reading and start working you slacking slacker!

So pillows. We’ve heard and know all about the crazy losers who love to ship themselves with the fluffy fluffiness known as the woven delight. I came into this post with a planned out, strategic argument about how bad these pillows are, but after thinking about it it’s really not that big of a deal. I mean, so what? A person likes a certain anime character, and they enjoy plastering pictures of said anime character all over their room.

That's fine I guess, she's only enjoying a nice snooze...

I guess my stance is neutral. After all, my room used to be covered head to toe with Red Sox gear. I even hung my Red Sox jerseys on the walls! Of course, the gear had to be moved to make way for my art, which now has taken up all of the space on my walls. I guess there’s not much wrong with having a large pillow with your favorite anime character on it, and hugging it for an intimate moment or two. After all, it’s not like you’re fucking the pillow or marrying it or anything…..

DON'T DO IT!!! SHE'LL NEVER DO THE CHORES OR COOK FOR YOU!!!

 

This is not how you preform a Magnum .31!!!

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! What is wrong with some people!? Can’t you have a normal fetish and get your jollies from something normal!? Like balloons!? That’s more tasteful than fucking the stuffing out off pillow-chan over here. (Should I have censored the pillow girl’s boobs? It’s only an anime character so I assumed it didn’t really need……never mind).

People, these are dire times. If left unchecked, these anime body pillows will destroy our planet. Just sit and think for a minute. Why do we do it? Why are we doing it? We’re replacing the fantastic feel of a woman’s vagina with the soft yet coarse and completely non-stimulating feeling of fabric! What a terrible, terrible thing this is. What has become of the world when one can turn to a pillow to solve all of one’s needs both sexually and emotionally? It’s honestly getting ridiculous. Next thing you know, they’ll start making pillows with boobs and shit.

Sure there's no shit, but there are indeed boobs!

What.

The.

Fuck.

PILLOWS WITH PILLOWS!? Not only are they endowed more so than most real life women, but look at them! Sitting around the table… They’re clearly having some sort of meeting to discover the best method to take over the world in some sort of secret pillow girl world domination meeting! We need to act now people! These pillows MUST all be burned! It’s only a matter of time before the pillows make their move and launch a pre-emptive strike against societies all over the planet. Or wait…..has it already begun?

The onslaught! It has begun! Take to the streets people! There's not much time!

Look at those malicious eyes. She knows exactly what she’s doing.  Sure, it may be the man who is cupping this pillow, but it’s actually the pillow who has the man in the palm of her hands! Yes people, that’s right; just like a real life woman, these pillows are seducing much of the male population. They’ve already begun building an army of otaku weirdos whom will stop at nothing to protect and serve their 50% cotton 50% polyester lovers. This underhanded technique of seduction is well played and very effective to those with no lives who yearn to date a 2-D character. But wait a minute…..no……don’t even tell me……..

She's going to rub her snatch up and down Hinagiku's face like a dog in heat! Dogs in heat do that right?

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

As if the male otaku population wasn’t enough, now these pillows are taking away the greatest population of all!

LESBIANS!!!

Who wants to see a naked girl getting off to a pillow!? I sure do, but I’d rather see two girls get off to each other.

It’s common knowledge that Jesus died for our sins strictly to ensure the survival of lesbians touching their tits together and rubbing their chuffy-muffs up and down, creating static electricity that is harnessed to create and protect kittens! If you don’t fight for me, at least fight for the kittens!

Look what tragedy has alread befallen our feline friends!

This is terrible.

Not only are these pillows attempting to enslave all of humanity, take away lesbians from us hardworking people, and kill kittens, but they’re also promoting rape. Look at the otaku in the above picture (the one stuffing his pillow with a white filling other than cotton). Not only does this certain otaku have a friend crazy enough to film him fucking a pillow, but he also is probably used to fucking any pillow he wants. Once he gets it alone (or with a friend to take pictures), he can have his way with it as he pleases. What happens when an otaku decides that a pillow just isn’t enough? What happens when he or she decides to elevate this passion to actual females? I’ll tell you what….two things:

  1. They’re going to start sedating girls until they don’t put up a fight (like a pillow), and then they’re just going to rail them. Ladies, do you really want one of these guys penetrating you? Because if you do…..then….you know……call me or something we can hook up.
  2. They’re going to get killed by the pillows.

That’s right, if the pillows see any type of traitorous acts, THEY WILL KILL. These pillows don’t fuck around……well, they do technically, but only with crazy-weird otaku (who fuck them). Be warned fellow friends. If we don’t destroy this pillow army soon, then eventually even God won’t be able to help us. In the not so distant future, our lives may be in the control of beings that look something like THIS:

As Darth Vader once said, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!"

Fight the Power! Spread the word! Kill the Pillow! And please, if you’re going to use a pillow, use them correctly:

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21 thoughts on “The Pillows Are Coming!

  1. *chuckles* nice post.

    But on serious note, seeing man fucking and getting married to a pillow is just ridiculously sad and people ask me why I am still unmarried and a virgin. THIS IS FUCKING WHY PEOPLE!

    KILL THE PILLOW!!

  2. The correct way to use the pillows is to do ‘pillow fight’.
    So the pillow fight scene in K-ON!! was actually a noble action to teach us how to save the world!? @_@

    • I guess one would have to agree that this is indeed one good thing about K-On, in fact, the only good thing. However, they also teach us that in order to get a good band, one must “practice” by eating cake all day and dressing up in stupid outfits. K-On still sucks.

  3. The third image … kind of made me realize how sad some people can be. I don’t particularly think badly of dakimakura. They’re kind of like a cuter stuffed animal or a sexier plushie. But… That is just going overboard. To each his own I guess.

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