NSFW (barely…I wouldn’t even bother with this, but there is a naked breast shown in this post).
Since this is my 666th post, I figured that I should really take advantage and devote it to Satan! Hooray!
Wait a second….do you…..worship the dark lord? (I was looking for a clip from The Animal, but it’s nowhere to be found).
For the record, no. I do not worship the dark lord. But, I did start writing a book about said person/beast/dark lord.
Wait? Seriously? That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. Your writing sucks.
Actually, it doesn’t. It does for this crappy ISSS, because on here, I write kinda how I talk, which you aren’t supposed to actually do, and I don’t proofreed or chekc aneething, so if theirs spelling or gramatical errrors than I probably won’t notics. However, when (if) I find myself writing something that had to not suck (like a paper for school), then I’ll actually almost care, and write normal. Anyway, I guess I’ll humor you all with the synopsis of said story a bit later in the post, but not right now. (EDIT: My computer lost all data including all scripts and novels I had been working on, and by “working on”, I mean not giving a shit about, which kind of sucks).
Let’s talk about some facts about Satan!
Please note that all of these facts were sufficiently researched and and concluded to be 100% true by multiple sources.
1) Satan is a Female
It’s true. I know most of you thought that Satan was a guy, but Satan is actually a female, and she’s really really hot. One thing about her is that she can change her shape, which means she could look like any given girl. Black, Asian….Black-Asian, you name it pal she can do it. She can shift shapes like the cock of a kid in puberty. However, Satan does have horns and a tail these do not change. They just make her look sexier though, which is what she’s trying to do anyway. In an ideal world, Satan would look like Lucy Lui, because Lucy Lui is fucking awesome.
2) Children Love Satan
It’s true. Do you know why? (hint: the picture makes it absurdly clear). I’ll tell you why. Children all love Santa, right? Well guess what?
S A N T A = S A T A N
Oh wow. I’m sure that everyone and their mother already knows this, but switch a few letters around, and shit, they’re the same person, right? Well, actually this brings me to my next fact.
3) Satan is not Santa Clause.
Does Satan look like a fat bastard with a beard and slaves? No. Satan is much nicer. Satan has a Union for her workers. Look at the REAL story behind Santa:
Well, I thought it was funny……at least the first time I heard it….the second time it wasn’t that good.
Btw, never type in “Santa Slave Driver” in google if you have no restrictions on your searches. The images are mainly just……just don’t do it okay?
4) Satan Gets a Bad Wrap
Honestly, people talk about Satan as if she loves to kill and torture people in total damnation. Satan is definitely a sadist, that much is true, but that doesn’t mean she tortures everyone like some crazy wackjob, or a member of the Denver Thuggets (where this behavior is both tolerable and encouraged by me and fans everywhere). No. Satan has feelings too. She was cast down from Heaven, not for starting a war as some people believe, but because she was a one night stand for God, and God’s wife found out, so she had to go. God’s wife is a total bitch btw, she never lets him do anything. He can’t even go play 9 holes on the weekends, he has to do all sorts of chores. I hear she doesn’t even put out for him anymore. Typical gold-digger.
Shit I’m getting off topic. What I was going to say was that, sure, Satan loves to manipulate people, and can trick, tease, and persuade with the best of them (she is the best of them), but this should have been common knowledge when I told you she was a female. Just because she like to trick people into selling her their souls doesn’t mean that she doesn’t get sad sometimes. The fact is, she only wants your soul because she’s loney in Hell, all alone with no one to talk to. Anyone would be depressed in that situation!
Other Fun Facts
- Satan is a bi-sexual.
- Satan’s favorite musical talent is Justin Bieber. (personally, I hate the little shit).
- Satan can’t directly kill humans. Even if she wanted to, the most she could do is manipulate them like any other female). That being said, she can indirectly kill someone.
- Satan always wanted to get into acting, but she gets severe stage fright which makes it impossible to say her lines correctly.
- Satan recently broke up with Mel Gibson because she simply couldn’t handle his outrageousness. Mel Gibson’s a fucking nut.
- Satan really likes Junior Mints and Peppermint patties.
- She has simlilar powers to God, in that she can seemingly change the scape of the land to create a new, fictional world (an illusion).
- Despite what many might think, Satan can’t handle anything spicy.
- Satan loves anime, and her favorite character is the cat from Azumanga Daioh. She hates K-On.
- Satan had a huge crush on Jesus back in middle school. She grew out of it though and now thinks that Jesus was just a big show off. She also did not approve of the fact that he had his own harem of girls.
The “Book” I was “working on”
I have a hobby of writing long novels. Except, my hobby includes only writing a few pages, and then stopping work on said novels. Therefore, it’s no coincidence that I only wrote like….two pages on this book, which I labeled, “I’m In Love With The Devil.” To be honest, I thought the whole idea was pretty cool, but I had no idea what to actually write about.
Then, just like every year, The Great Crash of 2010 occurred. Computer crashes for me are like Noreasters. Every year, there’s always one huge one that rolls in and fucks up everything.
Yup, my computer, which always had a blue screen pop up every now and then, suddenly decided to blue screen 3 times in 10 minutes, not even giving me time to back up my files. After the third blue screen, Windows wouldn’t even load. As such, I permanently lost all of my funny pictures, including my Bill the Ass Kicker versions, my manga that I had saved, my illegal movies (mainly Wall-E, which I really wanted to re-watch, but also all of the great quality anime movies), Stepmania, Fruity Loops, Audacity, Switch, my YouTube downloader, all of my raps (over 200 word pages single spaced), ALL OF MY GINTAMA (100 + episodes)….anyway, I didn’t even have any porn on my computer so wtf? I literally had no porn saved to my computer. Damn you! Damn you YouPorn! YouJizz! Pornhub! RedTube! Etc!
Anyway, getting back to the book, here was the synopsis. I got the idea late one night when thinking about Stockholm Syndrome, which is a disorder that I would immediately acquire if a hot girl suddenly kidnapped me:
Satan is the CEO of Hell, and she’s bored. Although the figures show that Hell is importing souls at a higher rate, there are less souls being manipulated into Hell. Fed up with how things are going, she decides to go up to Earth to try and angle one of the purest souls she can find. She finds a boy who is celebrating his 21st birthday, and decides to go for him. She asks the boy (I never made up a name….let’s see…..I shall call him……….Chris Dotes…that’s a pretty cool name). So she introduces herself to Chris as Satan, and while at first, Chris doesn’t believe her, Satan convinces him through some orm of Wizardry. To make things fun for herself, Satan tells him upfront that she is going to try and take his soul. Throughout the novel, Chris tries not to do anything that would warrant his soul getting sent to Hell. In the meantime, he falls in love with Satan, and it seems like Satan has fallen for him. However, he knows that Satan is known for manipulating feelings, and she’s trying to get him into Hell, and so Chris is suddenly finds himself in a predicament. What can a person do when they’re in love with the devil?
tl;dr: I dude is in love with Satan, but knows that Satan is probably just playing with his feelings to get his soul. Should he try and push himself away, or succumb to his feelings, even though he knows that would probably be the end for him?
Personally, I think it’s a very interesting predicament, which is the only real reason I wrote it down.
I also really liked creating Hell as if it was a business in competition with Heaven. Satan had a secretary, an office, etc. It was pretty cool. Then I brought Stockholm Syndrome (which I’ve always liked) into the mix. To be honest, I’d rather someone else write this book (like, someone who can actually write and won’t quit after a page), and then just give me like….15% of the profit (which would be like 5 dollars, seeing as no one would buy it). To be even more honest, this would probably make a better manga, and now that I think about it, It’s kind of a rip off of My Balls.
Speaking of My Balls, how the fuck did My Balls end? I read it all, but I can’t remember.
Probably with sex.