What did I see today, July 5th, at 8:15 PM?
RHETORICAL QUESTION BITCH! TRANSFORMERS 3!
I’m going to do this in two parts. Part 1 is spoiler free. Read it with the pleasure of knowing that won’t be spoiling a thing about the movie. Part 2 will contain massive spoilers, and if you don’t want to literally fuck your own face, don’t read it.
Transformers 1 was really good. Transformers 2 kinda sucked. Transformers 3 was just as good as Transformers 1……IF Transformers 1 was 10 billion fucking times better than it actually was. Let me put it this way, if you were halfway through the movie, and had to go to the bathroom really really bad, then it would be one of the few moments in life where peeing your pants would not only be acceptable, but would be considered a wise move on your part.
Was it long? I guess so. It was like 2 and half hours long. If you’re saying to yourself that that’s too long of a movie, then congratulations, you’re a fucking pussy.
It’s common knowledge that long movies are almost always fucking awesome. Lord of the Rings? Long as fuck. Awesome. Avatar? Long as fuck. Awesome. There’s a shitload of more examples, but I’m trying to keep this post under 6 billion words.
- Transformers 3 was like Transformers 1 on steroids, with more bad-assery, mixed with an awesome plot.
- Transformers 3 was a BAM moment.
- Transformers 3 fucked your mom, and it just made you proud.
- Transformers 3 supports my two theories. A: Any movie with Shia LeBOOF is awesome. B: Long movies rule.
The list could continue, but at some point, I do need to sleep. This concludes Section 1, and at this point, you should be leaving the computer and giving all of your money to your local theater. Section 2 contains spoilers.
I was going to start this section with a massive spoiler in the first sentence, but people finishing up the first section might have wandering eyes, so I’m being considerate in making this whole first paragraph a bunch of rambling bullshit. This is actually fine, I probably don’t have to make this any longer. I hope you stopped reading after learning that this was a paragraph of shit. No? You’re dumb.
First and foremost, how about that twist? FUCKING AWESOME. Even I didn’t expect that. It was fucking awesome. The only bad part about it was that Ironhide died. He was the fucking man.
PUNK ASS DECEPTICON!
And wtf!? John Malkovich and Francis McDormand (both in Burn After Reading, an awesome fucking movie), showed up, as well as a handful of other known actors/actresses. Not only that, but no Megan Fox! I hate Megan Fox. In fact I’m not even going to capitalize her name anymore. megan fox. She sucks. Not only is she not really that hot, but she’s also a fucking bitch. I’ve heard a lot of bad things about the acting of her replacement, but honestly, I didn’t see much in terms of bad acting, and I was looking for it. She was fine. The acting in this movie was overall good. Leonard Nimoy? GTFO. BUZZ FUCKING ALDRIN PLAYING HIMSELF!? FUCKING FUCK AWESOME!!!
Why the fuck did Ironhide die? Right after doing some real bad-ass shit too.
The action was just as awesome as expected. The special effects kicked more ass than Bill the Ass Kicker, and this time there weren’t any stupid fucking robots that made the film seem like it was made for toddlers.
CHICAGO GOT FUCKING DESTROYED.
SEAL TEAM SIX RAPES EVERYONE IN AWESOME STEALTH COMEBACK MODE.
PEOPLE WERE ACTUALLY GETTING MURDERED ALL OVER THE PLACE.
And if there’s one reason. Just one, sole reason as to why this film was awesome, here it is:
Optimus Prime: “They will all die.”
HE WASN’T LYING.