Transformers 3 Will Beat You Into Submission And You Will Love It

What did I see today, July 5th, at 8:15 PM?

RHETORICAL QUESTION BITCH! TRANSFORMERS 3!

I’m going to do this in two parts. Part 1 is spoiler free. Read it with the pleasure of knowing that won’t be spoiling a thing about the movie. Part 2 will contain massive spoilers, and if you don’t want to literally fuck your own face, don’t read it.

Section 1

Transformers-Dark-of-the-Moon-official-logo-570x269

Transformers 1 was really good. Transformers 2 kinda sucked. Transformers 3 was just as good as Transformers 1……IF Transformers 1 was 10 billion fucking times better than it actually was. Let me put it this way, if you were halfway through the movie, and had to go to the bathroom really really bad, then it would be one of the few moments in life where peeing your pants would not only be acceptable, but would be considered a wise move on your part.

Was it long? I guess so. It was like 2 and half hours long. If you’re saying to yourself that that’s too long of a movie, then congratulations, you’re a fucking pussy.

It’s common knowledge that long movies are almost always fucking awesome. Lord of the Rings? Long as fuck. Awesome. Avatar? Long as fuck. Awesome. There’s a shitload of more examples, but I’m trying to keep this post under 6 billion words.

  • Transformers 3 was like Transformers 1 on steroids, with more bad-assery, mixed with an awesome plot.
  • Transformers 3 was a BAM moment.
  • Transformers 3 fucked your mom, and it just made you proud.
  • Transformers 3 supports my two theories. A: Any movie with Shia LeBOOF is awesome. B: Long movies rule.

The list could continue, but at some point, I do need to sleep. This concludes Section 1, and at this point, you should be leaving the computer and giving all of your money to your local theater. Section 2 contains spoilers.

Section 2

I was going to start this section with a massive spoiler in the first sentence, but people finishing up the first section might have wandering eyes, so I’m being considerate in making this whole first paragraph a bunch of rambling  bullshit. This is actually fine, I probably don’t have to make this any longer. I hope you stopped reading after learning that this was a paragraph of shit. No? You’re dumb.

First and foremost, how about that twist? FUCKING AWESOME. Even I didn’t expect that. It was fucking awesome. The only bad part about it was that Ironhide died. He was the fucking man.

PUNK ASS DECEPTICON!

And wtf!? John Malkovich and Francis McDormand (both in Burn After Reading, an awesome fucking movie), showed up, as well as a handful of other known actors/actresses. Not only that, but no Megan Fox! I hate Megan Fox. In fact I’m not even going to capitalize her name anymore. megan fox. She sucks. Not only is she not really that hot, but she’s also a fucking bitch. I’ve heard a lot of bad things about the acting of her replacement, but honestly, I didn’t see much in terms of bad acting, and I was looking for it. She was fine. The acting in this movie was overall good. Leonard Nimoy? GTFO. BUZZ FUCKING ALDRIN PLAYING HIMSELF!? FUCKING FUCK AWESOME!!!

Why the fuck did Ironhide die? Right after doing some real bad-ass shit too.

The action was just as awesome as expected. The special effects kicked more ass than Bill the Ass Kicker, and this time there weren’t any stupid fucking robots that made the film seem like it was made for toddlers.

CHICAGO GOT FUCKING DESTROYED.

SEAL TEAM SIX RAPES EVERYONE IN AWESOME STEALTH COMEBACK MODE.

PEOPLE WERE ACTUALLY GETTING MURDERED ALL OVER THE PLACE.

And if there’s one reason. Just one, sole reason as to why this film was awesome, here it is:

Quote:

Optimus Prime: “They will all die.”

HE WASN’T LYING.

END.

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10 thoughts on “Transformers 3 Will Beat You Into Submission And You Will Love It

  1. It is awesome if you don’t count the amount of stupid people in this show. Let just say the human did nothing to contribute except for that crazy guy whose on wheelchair in the end. I can’t remember his name. Sam (again) obsessed with his girl who surprise~! surprise! looks exactly like Megan Fox except that she can’t damn act. The top secret mission to moon? WTF this should at least leaked in Transformers 1 and 2. That’s just bullshit. Long story short, I think the human sucks. They all deserved to be blasted to smithereens by the decepticons because they are fucking stupid. just stay in your home, at least you die at the comfort of your sofa instead of while running around proving to these alien robots that human has pea for brain.

    Having said that, I do enjoyed every single moment when the robots, be it Decepticons or Autobots stole the show from those stupid ass humans. They are what makes Transformer 3, as you put it, awesome. I’m being redundant. Fuck, I should write my own review about this film. Why haven’t I done that yet? Damn it.

    I actually can tell that Sentinel will fucking cross them. Called it instinct but seriously that’s not so hard to predict. He’s mental and badass. He’s okay. I’m glad Megatron make it back to land. That swim must have took forever hence why he’s corroded. Anyway, I’m pissed as fuck that he’s got psychoed by that bitch. That just doesn’t make a fucking sense. Megatron is too fucking awesome to fall for such trick. Damn you Bay for making the end so Bay >__>

    • I thought that the humans were actually pretty sick in this movie, especially at the end when they were sniping the eyes out of the decepticons before manually dismantling them. With that being said, rememeber that the movie was about the war between decepticons and autobots.

      Top secret mission to the moon maybe could have been hinted at or something in another movie, but it wasn’t that big of a deal really.

      I was kinda pissed Megatron died. He was one of my favorites.

      • I’m just pissed that he died because he got psychoed by a bitch. He should at least let Sentinel killed Optimus before interfering. That would ensure the earth belongs to him. Urgh…

  2. In response to your reply in a wrong post: I suppose you enjoy that kind of humor way more than I do. More power to ya then.

    Umm…Scorponok’s the…scorpion bot? Remember him?

    I never found any of the human characters funny or interesting. The humor’s far too juvenile and insulting for my tastes., but again if you liked it that’s cool.

    Optimus is always cool, well except in Transformers Energon where he spent most of his time screaming.
    I think the reason I’m so biased against these movies is because I prefer the cartoons over the Bayformer movies. Heck even the failed 2009 animated remake was sliiiiiightly better than Bayformers.

    Man, talking about this makes me want to play Transformers: War for Cybertron.

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