Warner Brothers Should Burn in Hellfire

Okay, I’m not sure if this post is ready, but it looks like the power might go out soon (giant snowstorm of death is raining it’s hellfire upon us), so I’m posting this now.

WB gave us great movies, like Ace Ventura, The Matrix, and V for Vendetta. All awesome movies that I love (there’s more than just these).

Then they gave us millions of gallons of shit. Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit. And the Animaniacs, which is arguably one of the best North American cartoons ever made. But after that? SHIT HSIT SHIT SIHTHIHISHGIO!!!!

I realized this due to this post of announcement (well, we’ve all known this for years, so I guess it would be a “take on something” rather than an announcement), of the latest green-lit anime to Hollywood movie: Akira.

Akira.

As in, “Akira one of the best animated films ever” or “Akira one of the classic examples of animation in general.”

That Akira.

And now, Warner Brothers is going to do what it does best: Take something awesome, and turn it into a pile of shitty, shitty, SHIT.

I’m going to be upfront and honest with you, I watch a lot of movies. I like them. I watch anything that interests me in the slightest bit, and if a movie doesn’t interest me, then it’s shit, so no one should bother with it anyway. Out of the 500+ movies that Warner Brothers has popped out of its gaping anus, I’ve liked about 30 of them.

For all of you Math geniuses out there (sarcasm), that’s about 6%. Six……Per…..cent. And now let’s take some highlights of some of the remaining 94%, which is comprised of general shit:

Movies like:

Dragonball: Evolushit

THROW UP ON YOURSELFFFF

This movies was probably the worst movie I’ve seen. Even if I had never seen the anime or even heard so much of a whisper about the story, I’d still hate this movie. Everything from the acting to the plot to the characters to the setting to the directing to whatever else goes into a movie was TERRIBLE. ABSOLUTE TRASH. I don’t think a worse adaptation could ever be ma-

The Last Shitbender

Who the fuck cast Jackson Rathbone as Sokka!? WORST CASTING/ACTING OF ALL TIME.....everyone knows that anyone from Twilight can't act to save their lives.

God kill me now. I laughed through this movie at it’s shitty, SHITTY, GOD-AWFUL ACTING, TERRIBLE ACTING, TERRIBLE DIRECTING, AND DID I MENTION THE ACTING!? (laughed hard, at things that weren’t meant to be laughed at). I cried at how much of a botch job the studio did with the adaptation. WHO THE FUCK CASTED THESE PEOPLE!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? SHITTTTTTTTTTTTT

Again, as a movie, this also sucked a WHOOOOOLLLELEEE bunch of mule-dick. This movie should go suck a bag of dicks while climbing a wall of dicks, and then do it again. (for the record, I think that seeing someone climb a wall of dicks would be really really funny). HOW CAN THINGS GET ANY WORS-

Speed Rashit

I found this picture here and loved it.

Didn’t even bother with this one because it seemed so God damn terrible. Was it? From what I’ve heard from the three people alive who bothered to watch it, yes. It was indeed a piece of shit.

Harry Potter and the Pile of SHIT

Compared to the book....well....actually not much changed, but they way it was all put together? Simply a MESS.

Okay, this one wasn’t THAT bad. The last two movies were pretty good (especially the last movie, that shit was AWESOME). But I’ve hated every Harry Potter movie that’s been released. They all had fantastic special effects and great casting (GREAT casting), but unfortunately, the scripts sucked the large, hairy testicles found on Hagrid’s undercarriage. Everymovie was a jumbled mess of shit. Imagine reading a book that was typed out with no use of the space bar or punctuation.

Itwouldbeafuckingmessandtakeyouforevertoreadanditwouldneverslowownprobablyitwouldhophereandthereandallaroundwhatshouldieatimhungrydogshavehairireallylikethenissan350z

Was that last sentence fun to read? I hope not, because it was a pain in the ass to type. This is probably going to go off the page when it appears in the post. All the more better to illustrate my point.

WARNER BROTHERS SUCKS AT ADAPTATIONS.

Akira is as such (so far):

  • All white actors
  • Neo Tokyo changed to New Manhattan
  • James Franco was offered a role and said no….since when does James Franco say no to anything?
That’s really it (I mean it’s still in the beginning stages so far, but I’m sure they’ll fuck it up in time). Besides, that’s enough to make me feel quesey. A white person named Kaneda? Good shit Warner Brothers. I mean, there’s plenty of white people named Shiro and Yuji and Nakashiro and shit like that (not sure if that last one is a real name. Also don’t give a fuck). Way to keep it realistic.
They better be changing the names if they’re set on having white actors play the lead roles, otherwise it will be fucking stupid. Why is Warner Brothers so against using at least Asian-American actors in it’s movies? #Racist
Was that a Twitter hashtag? What the fu-
Guess what, they’re also making a Death Note American adaptation. GREAAAAT ANOTHER WAY TO DESTROY MY FAVORITE THINGS. FUCK YOU.
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22 thoughts on “Warner Brothers Should Burn in Hellfire

  1. This is by far going to be the worst movie in history, some anime you can adapt into live action but this one is just impossible to recreate without cutting and changing so much of the story

    • Yeah, like….how are you going to be able to make the giants fleshy monster that Tetsuo becomes without it looking completely stupid? I love….and I really mean LOVE….stories about telekenisis and psychic powers and shit, but I can’t see this being good, even with 2 awesome actors already signed on.

      One movie that DOES look good that has telekenisis is Chronicle:

      • It’s almost the same plot as Akira, but it’s made in a way that’s realistic and doesn’t involve monster things that will inevitably look stupid on the big screen.

  2. I paid to see Speed Racer in the cinema with my friends because fuck all else was on… All I remember was that it was very colourful and bright, but I can’t recall a damn thing about the characters or story.

    Avatar the Last Airbender… Oh, M. Night Shyamalan. What the hell happened to this guy who used to direct some pretty decent movies? He probably owns a cursed monkey paw that granted him at least two or three good films before making the rest of this output suck so hard he ought to go and bury his head in the sand. Not so he can hide from his troubles, no, so people can find him and give him a good kick up the arse every now and again. Queues would be forming around that hypothetical desert. And most of them Avatar fans, like myself. I’m not one of these ‘OH MY GOD WHY ARE KATARA AND SOKKA, WHO MIGHT I REMIND YOU LOOK INUIT IN THE CARTOON, WHITER THAN A POLAR BEAR HIDING IN A SNOW DRIFT IN THE FILM’ people, but it made me angry to see a cartoon series I love being belitted by such a shitty adaptation.

    And hah, DB Evolution was also godawful. Why the fuck was Goku a high school kid and the target of every single school bully? Christ, WB, you may want to make him a more sympathetic character, but don’t turn it into some generic ‘geek suddenly obtains incredible power’ story. Also, why did Piccolo look like a bit like a Silurian from Dr. Who?

    As for Akira… it’s an awesome film and a classic in terms of animation. Why WB have picked it up, I have absolutely no frigging clue. I bet everything will be CGI’d up the wazoo and it’ll be complete crap. =_=

    • Also, more rage to DBZ. I hated how the producers brought out a picture of Emmy Rossum as Bulma and everyone had a shit-fit about how she had black hair with one measly lock of blue added in her fringe, then, along with Emmy Rossum, told people to calm down. Because a blue wig would be ‘unrealistic’. Yeah, uh, I never fucking expected realism in the Dragon Ball world. Stupid scenes included Master Roshi being brought back to life with a kamehameha or something and Yamcha digging a hole in the desert for unsuspecting passersby to fall into like dumbasses.

      • CGI is the main thing I’m worried about for Akira, and they’d need a lot of it, especially for the monster that Testsu becomes when he gets too out of control. I can see the movie being decent up until that point. They should just have Kanye West play Tetsuo…

      • Actually, if Kanye were cast, would cause a shit-storm in fandom that would cause the Earth to collapse in on itself.

  3. Lol as soon as I saw you talk about Warner bros, I already knew where you were going lol. Yeah all the movies you mentioned suck. Harry potter I actually like, but am starting to gradually dislike because I don’t know what the flying fck is going on. And when I watch shit, I like to have the goods (that’s what she said) on everything so I can fully appreciate intricacies. I won’t go as far to read the books..but watching all the shit in a marathon is MUCH harder than marathoning anime. And I fucking LOVE anime.

    Anyways, I hate avatar in general – Avatar Sucks & Is NOT Anime – and to be honest, I fucking loath Akira more than any other anime movie. But I won’t get into that. I’m sure if a PROPER movie was adapted from it, it’d be great, but idk wtf is up with Hollywood not staying true to the content. I mean that’s like a film director casting an Irish Guy as Shaft…he might be a decent actor, but the shit’s wrong. I actually heard about that about a week & a half ago, but alas, I couldn’t exactly talk about it till now.

    • Marathoning a book is easier to me than marathoning an anime. I read the entire Hungry Games series in three sittings. Whenever I start a book I don’t stop until I’m completely finished. I mean, I’ll maybe go to the bathroom, but with books, I don’t worry about time or work or anything. I get into them more than anime.

      The Avatar series is the best thing ever so what it’s not anime you’re wrong.

  4. You have the right to punch a hole on these mothafucka. I dreaded any anime adaptation. They usually butchered it so fucking bad it makes me rage endlessly whenever the subject is brought up and raging is not good for the skin. How the fuck does Japan allowed this? They should making their own movie adaptation goddammit!

    I quit watching Harry Potter movies after i watched the fourth. I hate the adaptation. hate it hate it hate it.

    • Almost any adaptation pisses me off. The best one I’ve seen was The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo, but the only thing I really like about it was Noomi Rapace’s performance as Lisbeth Salander. Amazing. Read The Hunger Games great books.

  5. God, I’m so fucking glad the Elric movie never went everywhere. I don’t know if I could take Hollywood screwing around with both Moorcock and Akira.

    And do you seriously like Death Note? BLAARGH.

    • Death Note is fucking amazing. I dont understand how people don’t like it. Like seriously, someone needs to explain to me why they don’t like it, because it was flawless.

      • “Maddox’s latest book >>> If that makes you laugh”

        Are you kidding me? I’ve been waiting for YEARS for this book.

        The book in question has a stupid looking cover, I’ll be honest, and the authors last name is MOORCOCK (More cock), which makes me laugh and praise God that my last name isn’t like that. Maybe it’s a pen name? I don’t really like all that middle earth shit, but antihero? Okay I’ll dabble.

  6. I don’t have a problem with white actors being cast, considering that 90% of anime characters look like white people to begin with.

  7. Pingback: I’m Back! – Escape from the Snowstorm of DEATH! « Eye Sedso

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