So You Just Found Out You’re a Pussy

What do you do when you discover that you are a huge fucking pussy?

Some people cry, others weep, and some complain that they are failures at life.

But if you’ve just discovered that you’re a huge pussy whose afraid of your own shadow, here’s a few steps that you can take to make sure that you don’t get killed by some wack-job who decides that it would be a good idea to kill you.

Because that’s what happens to pussies.

5. Stop Moping

This pussy must smell bad.

There’s currently no one with you in the room, yet you’re still looking like you’re on the verge of tears. I’ve never seen such a pussy before in my life.

Listen, if you’re this big of a pussy, then maybe you’re beyond help, but if there’s a shred of salvation from this terrible affliction known as “I’m a fucking pussy,” then perhaps you can find it in a place called: Stop being an emo fuck.

I’m sure everyone remembers Winnie the Pooh. It’s one of the most famous children’s stories in history. Quick, name your least favorite character.

Someone just put this donkey down already

That’s right, it’s Eeyore.

Nobody likes this depressing fucking donkey, and do you know why? It’s because he always brings down the mood and sucks the life out of the story.

Tigger: “Hey Eeyore, we’re going to go out for some drinks! You want in?”

Eeyore: “I have cancer.”

And just like that, everyone’s day is ruined. What an inconsiderate piece of shit.

4. Be Social

If you don’t even talk to people in your class, that’s one thing, but if you put them off even if they’re trying to talk to you or hang out with you, that makes you a douchebag. People are going to start to hate you.

Being anti-social does two things:

1. It makes friendship impossible.

2. It shows that you have a small penis.

Being withdrawn is a typical side effect of being a pussy. Usually, when you refuse to give the light of day the light of day, it shows that you’re scared, embarrassed, or afraid to make yourself known to the world for whatever reason. That’s how rumors start, and that just makes you even more of a pussy.

Go have a few beers with some people and make some mistakes. Getting arrested is a huge social booster. When you get pinched by the law for whatever reason (spraying graffiti, stealing some clothes, running an underground dogfighting circuit), it shows that you have moral fiber.

Knows a thing or two about moral fiber.

It also shows that you have a personality, confidence, and a nice, big set of balls. Girls like that [probably].

3. Don’t Rely on a Girl With Pink Hair

Relying on a girl is one thing, if it were a girl like Revy or Michelle Rodriguez.

This is her happy face.

But fuck, you’re relying on a girl with pink hair. This move makes you look like a total bitch. Not only are you clueless about how to be a man, but you have to rely on a girl with the most girly type of hair to save your ass. For the record, no, real men do not wear pink. And as if that weren’t enough, the only thing she seems to be helping you with is running away.

Granted, there are times when you should turn tail and run, like when you notice your refrigerator is out of hot sauce.

When you need hot sauce, you need hot sauce.

The bottomline is, when you see a dude cowering behind a girl while grabbing her arm in a scared position, you just immediately think, “Wow, what a pussy.” It doesn’t exactly help your curb appeal. Although there are some males who rely on women for pretty much everything.

They’re called babies.

2. Stop Running Away From Girls

He would have pissed himself at seeing hearing this girl talk, but he already pissed himself earlier when the girl next to him sneezed.

Scenario A: A girl brandishes a knife and tells you that she’s going to cut off your dick and throw it into a meat grinder. She also has a gun.

In this case, it might be good to run away. The threat to a man’s genitalia is not to be taken lightly, and the gun prevents the man from preforming a swift, disarming headbutt to the ovaries.

Scenario B: A girl greets you with, “Good news, I’m pregnant!” A headbutt to the ovaries can solve this.

Other than that first scenario, there is no reason to run, because running means that you’ve already given up.

Take an argument with a girlfriend for example. When you argue, you don’t just give up. You argue to the death, even when the proof is staring you in the face, because once you stop arguing, you’ve lost the argument. As long as you keep arguing, you’re still not wrong.

The same can be said for running. Don’t be a pussy. Man your ground. As long as you do that, she won’t dare attack you. In fact, the girl in question will probably be so turned on by your manliness that she’ll strip immediately and ask you to have sex with her, to which you will reply, “No thank you.”

She’ll look dejected, but then she will thank you for your time, gather her clothes, and leave.

1. Stop Writing a Diary

You know writes diaries? 11 year old girls. You know else writes diaries? Fucking no one.

Makeup and stickers and ponies and!

The only boy I’ve ever seen with a diary was Doug Funny. To be honest, I’m not sure if that’s the right way to spell his last name, mainly because I don’t give a fuck about Doug Funny. I could go look it up, but I already told you that I don’t give a fuck about Doug Funny.

I remember hating that show because Doug was one of the lamest characters in history. He was a Type B pussy. He wasn’t a class A, in that he never cried or anything…well, not as much as a Type A, but he did get down on himself and freak out about a lot of stuff, so he was still a pussy.

The good news was that Doug had a superhero alter-ego in Quail Man. The bad news was that Quail Man was an introverted pervert who liked showing off his underwear.

Keeping your streets safe by scaring the general public back into their houses.

That’s the only other man, both fictional and non-fictional, that I’ve ever known to have a diary. No other self respecting man should have a diary, unless he is a scientist, and that’s more of a scientific journal. The fact is that if you’re a pussy who has been involved in any strange “kill-that-person-before-he/she-kills-you” games because of a diary, then maybe you shouldn’t have had one in the first place.

NOTE: I have finally started Mirai Nikki, a show I’ve looked forward to since the first chapter of the manga came out (which I didn’t read). Yukkii needs to get some balls fast lest he ruin this anime like whatsisname ruined Deadman Wonderland (I forgot his name because he’s such a pussy).

Apparently his pink haired body guard gets fucking awesome (she’s already shown to be arguably the biggest wack job in the show), and I LOVE her attitude towards killing, so I still have high hopes that this show will be pretty good, but with a pussy like Yukkii as the main character, it will never be great.

I should also note that this post only has little to do with Mirai Nikki and more to do with pussy main characters. I hate them.