What’s Your Type? (Valentine’s Day Sucks)

I actually started this a while ago, and by sheer coincidence I finished it today, February 13th, which happens to be the day before Valentine’s Day, also known as the most depressing day of the year. I’ve had girlfriends and hookups sure, but for some reason, I’ve NEVER had a girlfriend during Valentine’s Day, so I’ve always been alone like a piece of loser shit. Fuck Valentine’s Day. I hope all you couples break up today and everyone’s alone forever. Yeah, I’ve become cynical and bitter in my old age, but some of it’s satire, so fuck off. Damn it, I’m turning into Kim Jong Ill.

Anyway, this post begs the question of the viewer:

“Hey! What’s your type of girl? Or boy? Or both I don’t really give a shit to be honest.”

Except that I do. I’m allllll alone here remember? Leave a comment? Please? Fine fuck off then.

Regardless, I took all of the things I like in a girl and added them into one big list. To be fair, I’ll make a list of shit that girls do that TOTALLY turn me off, and make me want to do throw boulders off a bridge onto myself. I’ll add that list at the end of this post. This list was compiled over a long time. Maybe.

First I want to just say that these aren’t like…sexual fetishes or anything. I just think that girls look really hot with these styles/attributes, and it makes me want to fuck them. Not fetishes though. A fetish would be like……shit I don’t know………wanting to fuck a girl in a snow fort (yes please!) or on a mountain top (life goal!) or (this could go on forever so I’ll stop).

yes hot

Fucking. Smoking. Gloves are a big part of it too.

My types?

Women with/who have…

  • Short Hair
  • Curly/wavy hair (black girl hair? Is that racist?)
  • Really really long hair
  • Pigtails
  • Twin-tails
  • Spiked hair
  • Shaved Hair (depending on whether or not she can pull it off)
  • Shaved hair/long hair mix (NOT LIKE THIS THOUGH)
  • Fiery red hair (think Brave)
  • An afro
  • Hair colored in vibrant colors (NOT BLONDE)
  • Hair completely black and straight (think Goth look…NOT LIKE THIS THOUGH)
  • Dreadlocks
  • Many Small Braids

You can tell how long this list will be as I am only done with the hair.

  • Lots of tattoos *** (so hot)
  • That Goth look (black lipstick/piercings/black eye shadow
  • That Emo look (kinda the same thing I guess)
  • Lots of piecings
  • Pierced nipples
  • Lots of tatto- oh I said that already… Oh well worth saying twice
  • Pants and suspenders with a nice white dress shirt
  • Suspenders without pants and a nice white dress shirt
  • Mens clothes
  • The aspects of a Tomboy
  • High socks
  • Athletic wear
  • Boxing wear
  • Wild hair that’s crazy and nuts (NOT LIKE…well you should get it by now)
  • Abs
  • Toned muscles
  • No muscles
  • A very small amount of fat but who aren’t fat get it?
  • Big breasts
  • Small breasts
  • Medium sized breasts
  • A NICE BUTT
  • Female Boba Fett
  • Glasses
  • Hats
  • Big Headphones
  • Sleaves that are too long for them
  • Sweatshirts
  • Military uniform
  • Soccer uniform
  • Softball uniform
  • Field hocket uniform
  • Men’s football jerseys that hang down to their knees
  • Clothes that are too big for them
  • The mouth of a sailor (swears a lot)
  • Qualities of a badass
  • An attitude of not giving a fuck
  • The tendency to cry
  • Torn clothes
  • Boy shorts as underwear of choice
  • Clothes that have stripes
  • Clothes that are Goth
  • Clothes that are Emo (same thing really)
  • Tan skin
  • Pale skin
  • Freckles (a little bit not like all over their bodies or whatever that’s just not for me)
  • High self esteem
  • Low self esteem
  • Scars (ehhh….sometimes if they look cool and aren’t from some depressing shit. They add character like a tattoo though get where I’m coming from? I don’t want you to slice up your arm just to get scars that’s not the way to go. Getting a scar from a fight with a ninja though, there’s a cool scar).
  • Eye-Patches
  • Bandages
  • An Irish accent
  • A Scottish accent
  • A British accent
  • An Australian accent
  • A Russian accent
  • Aren’t afraid to push you (like literally push you)
  • Heterochromia
  • The ability to be Natalie Portman, Mila Kunis, or Penelope Cruz (or Lucy Liu)
  • Have killed a man
  • Will obsess over me to the point of freakish stalkery
  • Smell good
  • Don’t use tons of perfume
  • Perfume sucks never use that shit use deodorant and wash your hair you smell fine.
  • Seriously, perfume has made me leave the room more than once.
  • Game
  • Are nerdy
  • Are losers like me
  • Love to watch movies
  • Like My Chemical Romance, but aren’t squealy loser girls like most of their fans are.
  • Like Fall Out Boy….wait, who DOESN’T like to sing Fall Out Boy loudly while driving? Oh you? You suck.
  • Don’t mind the fact that I like weird/odd bands like My Chemical Romance, Fall Out Boy, Chatmonchy, The Birthday Massacre, and Scarlet.
  • Is covered in blood
  • Is a serial murderer but for some reason is totally in love with me and these scenarios are getting kiiiiind of ridiculous.
  • Still [hasn’t] put on pants since [her] shower like 2 hours ago [because] Twitter is distracting

What types do I hate?

paris-hilton-groove-10

Women with/who have…

  • Fake tans
  • Fake blonde hair
  • Fake tits (don’t like the appearance I can tell too)
  • Too much make up
  • Too much perfume
  • Any amount of perfume
  • A really bad smell
  • A dirty, smelly vagina (obviously)
  • Too much cushin for the pushin (whether that be sex or literally pushing them).
  • High maintenance issues
  • Skanky tendencies
  • Loyalty issues
  • Gauges in their ears
  • Use perfume…oh wait I said that a few times already…. Yeah most guys hate perfume that maybe should be a post on its own if I wasn’t lazy.

In a Nutshell

Rooney

I like girls who don’t really fit society’s definition of “hot.” I like a girl who’s unique and out there and maybe even a little odd like me.

Do you think less of me for that (you should!)

What about you, on this Valentine’s Day? What do you see in a person that makes you go off?

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5 thoughts on “What’s Your Type? (Valentine’s Day Sucks)

  1. It’s pretty fun to mix and match your type qualities. I like the idea of a girl with lots of tattoos, a low self esteem, twin-tails, an eye patch, big boobs, a tendency to cry, a Russian accent, a borderline yandere personality, and no stank pussy. I hope you find your dream girl one day.

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