SPOILER ALERT: Santa isn’t real and I kinda give that away in this post.
Yeah I’m late. Big fucking care. I guess I should wish a Happy New Years too. And a Happy Easter and St. Patrick’s Day because I’m probably not going to make another post until after those Holidays too.
And yes I say Merry Christmas and not Happy Holidays or whatever. I’m not being insensitive to your religion because I think all religions suck. Hell I don’t even like Christmas. It’s a huge fucking hassle to go out and spend all of my hard earned money on presents that people won’t even like so I don’t feel bad about getting presents that I won’t like. As far as I’m concerned, Christmas is one big circle jerk except everyone has a flaccid penis and no one gets off. There’s just a ton of tugging and chaffing it sucks for everyone involved except the weirdo who get off to chaffed dicks.
It’s even worse when you have to buy for a girlfriend because she’s gonna get you something good (like the complete Indiana Jones Blue Ray Box Set), and she’s gonna expect some fancy ass shit from you. I’ve never had to buy for a girlfriend so here’s what I got her:
I’m so fucking caring. My girlfriend complains nonstop about how cold she is so hopefully this blanket shuts her up for a while. God I’m a great boyfriend. Christmas was so much more awesome when Santa was real and presents got under the tree by magic.
Christmas music sucks ass too. I had to get dragged to my girlfriend’s parents’ place and her sister threw on all sorts of shitty Christmas music because she loves that shit, and I had to sit there and take it. Thank God my girlfriend is normal and wouldn’t mind seeing all Christmas music burn. If she was one of those Christmas music freaks I’d have to dump her and maybe push her down the stairs just to be safe. Christmas Music sucks but people who get excited about Christmas music suck almost infinitely more because they blast it all month long while we have to sit there and be miserable. When I’m miserable, seeing someone happy is the worst thing on Earth. If I am listening to Christmas music then I am miserable; and if I have to sit and watch you be happy during this time, then I do not like you. I’d rather a wild pack of rabid dogs rape you repeatedly until you contract an as of yet undiscovered and thus un-treatable disease that causes you to lose bowel control during the most inappropriate times of the day, like sex or when you visit your inlaws. Fuck you and your music. You know what I listened to on Christmas? Van Halen. That’s some fucking Christmas Music I can get behind.
Then of course your aunts and uncles and cousin all come over, which might actually be cool if you have a fun family. My family sucks.
My cousins played football so they both think they’re the shit even though their football team was so shitty that literally Math club members started. I could fucking play on that football team and be the star of any position. The only good thing about this is they used to brag about how they knew Aaron Hernandez. They used to talk about him on a first name basis like he was their best friend. “Oh did you see Aaron in that game?” Funny how they didn’t seem to mention him at all this year…
I took the high road this year and got obliterated on wine. It was actually a good day. I think wine might become a daily thing for me.
I got two shirts that look the same as one I already have, lotto tickets that didn’t win (everyone else in my family seemed to get 20 to 60 dollars on their cards), some 1 dollar bullshits that I already forgot, and $1400 of my own fucking money. It was a good haul.
PS: All I’ve wanted was Fort Legoredo. Another year goes by and I still haven’t gotten it.