The 3 BEST Tips for Pokemon Go

Click bait alert! And guess what? YOU FUCKING CLICKED!

Well you won’t regret it. These are actually great tips. One of which should be obvious but I haven’t seen it listed. Anyway that will be number 3 in my list. Here we go:

1. Eggs and Insense and Evolutions

Today I leveled up from 16 to 18, basically skipping through level 17 in 30 minutes while sitting on my pooper. No doubt you have realized that using a Lucky Egg is great for going on a catching rampage, and coupling that with some incense or a lure adds more pokemon chances, but you’ve been doing it wrong if you’re using a Lucky Egg this way. 

What you SHOULD BE doing is stockpiling a shit of candy and pokemon like weedles or who gives a shit so that when you DO use a lucky egg, you spend the ENTIRE TIME evolving pokemon. You’ll bounce up levels like a cocaine addict on a pogo stick. Some dude on reddit at level 30 doesn’t even use Lucky Eggs unless he has enough Pokemon stockpiled to last the entire 30 minutes evolving them. That’s nuts.

2. Pokestops You Bitch!

That’s not exactly… whatever.

Find a park or some shit where you can walk around in circles and just grabs stops. I visit such a park a lot. And it works out great because by the times I circle the park (which has like 15 pokestops), the first pokestop has reset so I can click it again. With a Lucky EGG attached, you can do some serious damage while getting items and catching Pokémon along the way. BUT. There is one thing you need to REALLY take advantage.


Okay you obviously can’t get a Bike Voucher in THIS Pokémon game, but if you aren’t biking all over the place, YOU’RE A FUCKING IDIOT.
Not only can you visit 80 billion pokestops quickly, but those eggs you hatch like the 2, 5, or 10 km eggs give you a ton of shit besides the pokemon. I got a level 1000 Magmar yesterday. You can hatch a 2 km egg on 30 minutes at the most (just don’t go too fast).

Fuck, I’ll put my phone in my pocket and just go on a bike ride and all my eggs hatch I don’t even have to do anything. I’ve probably hatched 15-20 eggs so far and I just downloaded this shit 6 days ago (I’ve also biked 25 miles a day).

Worried about Pokémon that you wanna catch? You’ll see twice as many, nay, THRICE as many because you can cover way more ground than walking. Caught a Drawing today, ironically, not with a bike, but I digress.





Do it.

Frankly, the game SHOULD have a Bike option where you can up the speed. For example, your eggs won’t hatch if you’re driving a car, but a bike can sometimes go pretty fast, too fast to count towards hatching an egg. I wish they had a Bike Voucher that let you go ten or so MPhil faster and have it still count toward hatching an egg. I LIKE TO BIKE FUCK WALKING IT’S BORING.

Did I miss any tips? List em if you got em! 

I typed this shit on my phone it sucked.

Pokemon Go Fuck Yourself

Is this app FUCKING awesome? Well,no shit. When it’s working. But THIS SHIT IS STARTING TO DRIVE ME NUTS.

Holy God Gyarados, get the FUCK off my screen and get my ass to the POKEMON.

I don’t know about you guys out there, but seeing my God damn 1 Pidgey that I need in order to evolve my other Pidgeotto into a Pidgeot freeze or error every time I toss a pokeball at it drove me nuts. 

And sometimes it will be working great until I walk toward a park or area that actually has interesting shit to do.

Or the time I used a lucky egg and incense at the same time and it conveniently shut off ONLY for the 30 minutes my two items worked for.

Or how RIGHT NOW I need to walk basically across my room in order to hatch that 10 km egg (they always give good shit except my last one which was a dumb Evee. I’ve got so many Vaporeons and Flareons and Joltons idk what to do). Anyway, the shit crashes. I’ve walked 9.98 kms or something. Insane.

Still, PRETTY FUCKING GREAT TIME TO BE ALIVE POKEMON IS BACK. Now vote Gary Johnson for President instead of those other assholes and we’ll be on the up and up!

Video is hilarious. Currently level 18.

Is the World Ending?

Like seriously. What the fuck is going on??? People get shot. Guns are the problem! People get run over by trucks. Where’s the shouting about trucks!? 

Sorry that’s really not the issue here. STOP HURTING EACH OTHER. WHAT THE FUCK. LIKE SERIOUSLY WHAT THE FUCK!?!??@?!?!?





  • I’m like… disappointed to be a human being right now make me a dog or something respectable maybe garbage that’s an improvement like WHAT THE FUCK.

I’m Back For a Mirror’s Edge: Catalyst Review!

Image result for Mirror's Edge Catalyst

Hint: It’s good.

Awwww shit son here we go again! GlotheMuthaFuckinLegend returns from the fucking grave to review a game he’s been looking forward to since 2000-fuckin-8. Mirror’s Edge is the SOLE REASON why I purchased an XBOX 360. Mirror’s Edge: Catalyst is the 2ND REASON why I purchased a Playstation 4 (Uncharted Series is the other reason).

First we need to discuss the issues that were present with the 1st Mirror’s Edge:

  • Too Fucking Short
  • Sometimes you would do something like jump and Faith would do some fucking stupid other shit instead.
  • Too Fucking Short

I really enjoyed everything about the game. The atmosphere, the music, the design, the controls….. It was a great fucking game, but too fucking short. I didn’t even mind the guns or the linear gameplay to be honest. Well guess what? Mirror’s Edge: Catalyst, which I will refer to now as MEC, had all of that good shit and more. I’ll try and keep it short to a few important talking points. First,

The Good

1.) The City

Image result for Mirror's Edge Catalyst city

Well NO FUCKING SHIT the city is going to kick ass. It kicked a hell of a lot of ass in the first one and now after 80 bajillion years of development you better believe that this city is going to be a beacon of  art. However, the sheer size and of the city, as well as the different areas, are what really shine. There’s a ton of room to run around, from vents to high rooftops, to people’s fucking apartments to underground to anywhere else you can think of, there’s almost an infinite of possibilities in a given place of where you can run, jump, or swing to. In other words, it is intricate as fuck. It is also beautiful as fuck. There’s several different sections that all have a different appearance yet similar feel of “damn this is a modern city like none can imagine.” And what else is great about the size?

2.) Open World I Love You


This dude needs to you take a canister across the city in less than 2 minutes. Well maybe instead of standing around for 5 days procrastinating you should get that shit done!

I enjoyed the linear game play of the first ME, but the open world of MEC is OUTSTANDING. You can run to a mission to accept it, and then it becomes similar to the Mirror’s Edge linear game play of old, but you can also…. you know… not do that, and instead go find shit like Secret Bags (yeah we still have the bags stored all over the city), steal electronic shit, hit up some gold balls or some shit like that, do runs for people who are too lazy to do runs themselves so they stand in one spot on a rooftop all day and night for their whole lives until you help them, or do some cool ass side missions. But the best part are the main missions. VERY awesome visually and DEFINITELY re-playable. Just like the first one, there are some really cool cut scenes filled with adrenaline pumping action. In fact, I wish there were more.

One of the most awesome things about this set up is that you can place Beats for other people to find online, create your own time trials for the world and you friends to try, and do a whole bunch of other cool shit that rules. Hell, you can even create your own gamer-tag and name and colors and stuff with things that you get from completing missions and side-stuff. Of course, I don’t have any friends, so I didn’t do much of this. I’m a FUCKING LOSER.

Anyway, it really is addicting finding stuff and searching for new ways to get around. You may also run into some Kruger-Sec guards, both guys and girls which is cool, that you need to fight. Of course…

3.) No Guns


This guy is a little bitch. Two kicks to the face and he’s done. Oh, you can kick people in the face.

Let me rephrase. YOU can’t use guns, but THEY can. There are several different types of guards that can do different shit.Like some just get their asses kicked, others get there asses kicked but can fight back slightly, others shoot at you, some dudes have like a power Helloboy arm thing which is cool, and others are actually okay at fighting and taking a punch. Overall, it’s more challenging and WAY more fluid. Flying wall kick your way to freedom and smack enemies into each other. Something I go out looking for trouble. AWESOME.

4.) Upgradddeeesss


She looks like such a pouty bitch. That’s a negative of this version. And her voice was different. Meh.

EVERY GAME SHOULD HAVE UPGRADES. This game has some AWESOME things added from the previous ME. LIST:

  • Magrope – I thought it sounded stupid. How is this free running? Wow I’m dumb. I was 100$ WRONG. IT IS AWESOME. You can upgrade based on points to different abilities (using it to pull walls down, swinging, or jacking yourself up a big wall). It’s a new dynamic to the original game that I loved.
  • Disrupter – Basically an EMP in your hand it’s fun as hell ruining every security camera in the city. Like I beat the game and now I’m just going around finding stuff and ruining everything. It’s a great time I think everyone can agree. This thang right here can also make the Kruger-Sec fools get a blast of noise in their ears then puts them down for the count while you GTFO of there.
  • Movement and Fighting – You also get upgrades for different moves you can do like wall runs and double wall runs as well as fighting abilities. Nice.

I’ve said if before, having upgradable anythings in video games keeps people hooked. Assassin’s Creed, Tomb Raider… there’s hundred of examples. It works for MEC, but I wish there were MORE things to upgrade and get. Faith’s outfits, more abilities for your glove things, types of grip for shoes and gloves maybe, speed attributes… there’s a lot more that could’ve been done, but in order to spend time building up these abilities, it would have helped to actually HAVE more time, which bring us too……..

The Bad

1.) Length of the Main Mission


Is that… the end of the game? Already? Well then.

The same thing that plagued the first version also is true with Mirror’s Edge Catalyst. The Main Mission is SHORT. Literally almost the same length as the first Mirror’s Edge. For a comparison, Uncharted 4 (awesome game) was about 4 or 5 times as long. At least it seemed like it. Not to say that the story wasn’t good or entertaining, because it was. Just… fuck man make it twice as long and I’d be happy.

The saving grace here is that when you add in all of the side missions, it ends up being a large amount of time spent beating it. Though still not as long as an Uncharted game or a Tomb Raider (good games). I WANT MORE.

2.) Story


3.) Faith

Faith was AWESOME in the original Mirror’s Edge. I got used to the look of the character and the voice and the personality. Though to be fair, I also have beaten it so many times that I have it all memorized. OBVIOUSLY we get a younger, more immature Faint in MEC (it’s a prequel/reboot after all and she’s younger), but I felt like Faith… kinda sucked. She was just in a shitty mood all game. Never smiled. In fact, EVERYONE was in a shitty mood. What a bunch of fucking DOWNERS. Throw some kind of jokes in there! OH YOU TRIED TO DO THAT WITH PLASTIC. IT SORT OF WORKED, EXCEPT IT DIDN’T. Sure you throw a great “twist” in the story, but the reveal is done so boringly that it doesn’t even matter. UGH. Faith sounded dumb too should’ve kept the first voice actor.


Listen. I love to talk shit about stuff. It’s EASIER. But all flaws considered, I can keep playing MEC all year and not buy another game and be fine with it. It’s a pretty sick ass game all things considered. I would have been better if I wrote it but what can you do we aren’t all geniuses. Anyway, as generic as the story was (most origin stories are pretty generic anyway), a sequel would be INSANELY AWESOME. Just like the first Mirror’s Edge. Here’s hoping they actually make a sequel to this one instead of rebooting it again.Fucking reboots man just stop doing them.


I almost forgot my fucking stupid grading system.