The 3 BEST Tips for Pokemon Go

Click bait alert! And guess what? YOU FUCKING CLICKED!

Well you won’t regret it. These are actually great tips. One of which should be obvious but I haven’t seen it listed. Anyway that will be number 3 in my list. Here we go:

1. Eggs and Insense and Evolutions

Today I leveled up from 16 to 18, basically skipping through level 17 in 30 minutes while sitting on my pooper. No doubt you have realized that using a Lucky Egg is great for going on a catching rampage, and coupling that with some incense or a lure adds more pokemon chances, but you’ve been doing it wrong if you’re using a Lucky Egg this way. 

What you SHOULD BE doing is stockpiling a shit of candy and pokemon like weedles or who gives a shit so that when you DO use a lucky egg, you spend the ENTIRE TIME evolving pokemon. You’ll bounce up levels like a cocaine addict on a pogo stick. Some dude on reddit at level 30 doesn’t even use Lucky Eggs unless he has enough Pokemon stockpiled to last the entire 30 minutes evolving them. That’s nuts.

2. Pokestops You Bitch!

That’s not exactly… whatever.

Find a park or some shit where you can walk around in circles and just grabs stops. I visit such a park a lot. And it works out great because by the times I circle the park (which has like 15 pokestops), the first pokestop has reset so I can click it again. With a Lucky EGG attached, you can do some serious damage while getting items and catching Pokémon along the way. BUT. There is one thing you need to REALLY take advantage.


Okay you obviously can’t get a Bike Voucher in THIS Pokémon game, but if you aren’t biking all over the place, YOU’RE A FUCKING IDIOT.
Not only can you visit 80 billion pokestops quickly, but those eggs you hatch like the 2, 5, or 10 km eggs give you a ton of shit besides the pokemon. I got a level 1000 Magmar yesterday. You can hatch a 2 km egg on 30 minutes at the most (just don’t go too fast).

Fuck, I’ll put my phone in my pocket and just go on a bike ride and all my eggs hatch I don’t even have to do anything. I’ve probably hatched 15-20 eggs so far and I just downloaded this shit 6 days ago (I’ve also biked 25 miles a day).

Worried about Pokémon that you wanna catch? You’ll see twice as many, nay, THRICE as many because you can cover way more ground than walking. Caught a Drawing today, ironically, not with a bike, but I digress.





Do it.

Frankly, the game SHOULD have a Bike option where you can up the speed. For example, your eggs won’t hatch if you’re driving a car, but a bike can sometimes go pretty fast, too fast to count towards hatching an egg. I wish they had a Bike Voucher that let you go ten or so MPhil faster and have it still count toward hatching an egg. I LIKE TO BIKE FUCK WALKING IT’S BORING.

Did I miss any tips? List em if you got em! 

I typed this shit on my phone it sucked.

Pokemon Go Fuck Yourself

Is this app FUCKING awesome? Well,no shit. When it’s working. But THIS SHIT IS STARTING TO DRIVE ME NUTS.

Holy God Gyarados, get the FUCK off my screen and get my ass to the POKEMON.

I don’t know about you guys out there, but seeing my God damn 1 Pidgey that I need in order to evolve my other Pidgeotto into a Pidgeot freeze or error every time I toss a pokeball at it drove me nuts. 

And sometimes it will be working great until I walk toward a park or area that actually has interesting shit to do.

Or the time I used a lucky egg and incense at the same time and it conveniently shut off ONLY for the 30 minutes my two items worked for.

Or how RIGHT NOW I need to walk basically across my room in order to hatch that 10 km egg (they always give good shit except my last one which was a dumb Evee. I’ve got so many Vaporeons and Flareons and Joltons idk what to do). Anyway, the shit crashes. I’ve walked 9.98 kms or something. Insane.

Still, PRETTY FUCKING GREAT TIME TO BE ALIVE POKEMON IS BACK. Now vote Gary Johnson for President instead of those other assholes and we’ll be on the up and up!

Video is hilarious. Currently level 18.