Merry Christmas?

Santa doesn't bring presents to the poor families.

Santa doesn’t bring presents to the poor families.

SPOILER ALERT: Santa isn’t real and I kinda give that away in this post.

Yeah I’m late. Big fucking care. I guess I should wish a Happy New Years too. And a Happy Easter and St. Patrick’s Day because I’m probably not going to make another post until after those Holidays too.

And yes I say Merry Christmas and not Happy Holidays or whatever. I’m not being insensitive to your religion because I think all religions suck. Hell I don’t even like Christmas. It’s a huge fucking hassle to go out and spend all of my hard earned money on presents that people won’t even like so I don’t feel bad about getting presents that I won’t like. As far as I’m concerned, Christmas is one big circle jerk except everyone has a flaccid penis and no one gets off. There’s just a ton of tugging and chaffing it sucks for everyone involved except the weirdo who get off to chaffed dicks.

It’s even worse when you have to buy for a girlfriend because she’s gonna get you something good (like the complete Indiana Jones Blue Ray Box Set), and she’s gonna expect some fancy ass shit from you. I’ve never had to buy for a girlfriend so here’s what I got her:

A blanket.

I’m so fucking caring. My girlfriend complains nonstop about how cold she is so hopefully this blanket shuts her up for a while. God I’m a great boyfriend. Christmas was so much more awesome when Santa was real and presents got under the tree by magic.

Christmas music sucks ass too. I had to get dragged to my girlfriend’s parents’ place and her sister threw on all sorts of shitty Christmas music because she loves that shit, and I had to sit there and take it. Thank God my girlfriend is normal and wouldn’t mind seeing all Christmas music burn. If she was one of those Christmas music freaks I’d have to dump her and maybe push her down the stairs just to be safe. Christmas Music sucks but people who get excited about Christmas music suck almost infinitely more because they blast it all month long while we have to sit there and be miserable. When I’m miserable, seeing someone happy is the worst thing on Earth. If I am listening to Christmas music then I am miserable; and if I have to sit and watch you be happy during this time, then I do not like you. I’d rather a wild pack of rabid dogs rape you repeatedly until you contract an as of yet undiscovered and thus un-treatable disease that causes you to lose bowel control during the most inappropriate times of the day, like sex or when you visit your inlaws. Fuck you and your music. You know what I listened to on Christmas? Van Halen. That’s some fucking Christmas Music I can get behind.

Then of course your aunts and uncles and cousin all come over, which might actually be cool if you have a fun family. My family sucks.

My cousins played football so they both think they’re the shit even though their football team was so shitty that literally Math club members started. I could fucking play on that football team and be the star of any position. The only good thing about this is they used to brag about how they knew Aaron Hernandez. They used to talk about him on a first name basis like he was their best friend. “Oh did you see Aaron in that game?” Funny how they didn’t seem to mention him at all this year…

I took the high road this year and got obliterated on wine. It was actually a good day. I think wine might become a daily thing for me.

I got two shirts that look the same as one I already have, lotto tickets that didn’t win (everyone else in my family seemed to get 20 to 60 dollars on their cards), some 1 dollar bullshits that I already forgot, and $1400 of my own fucking money. It was a good haul.

PS: All I’ve wanted was Fort Legoredo. Another year goes by and I still haven’t gotten it.

Shitty Musical Artists Post – Rewrite

First of all, expect a SHIT load of posts this week. I’ve finished a few shows, got a few things written, etc. I know I said this week was themed, but surprise surprise, I already decided to kind of give up on that. I will rewrite a few posts though, starting with this one.

For this entry, I will be rewriting THIS POST.

In said post, I listed three artists as heavily overrated: Nickelback, Green Day, Kings of Leon, Dave Matthews Band, Coldplay, Jack Johnson, and Linkin Park.

I would like to retract at least part of that statement. Nickelback still sucks. In fact, they’re worse than ever. I hope that they all get punched in the throat and none of them can ever speak again (this eliminates the possibility of any band member stepping up to take over vocals). They suck, and I wish their music would be banned from the world. All records of them ever existing being burned or sent into space. They’re really really bad. Portugal agrees with me on this subject. I wish that Nickelback would take a hint and just stop making music. You’d think a rock to the head would let them know that people don’t like them.

Kings of Leon still suck because their lead singer still sounds like a whiney bitch crying for his mama.

Dave Matthews Band still sucks but I hear their concerts are fucking awesome because everyone gets really really shit faced. While I like that, the fact that you’d have to listen to Dave Matthews Band kind of ruins the whole experience. I’d rather get shitfaced alone.

Coldplay and Jack Johnson still suck.

However, the other two bands I listed really don’t belong in this post. Green Day pretty much sucks now, but at one point they were actually pretty good, and I did like that September song they did, and that was recent, so they get a pass. American Idiot was still a piece of shit of an album, and was totally overrated. I don’t even know about the next album they put out. 21 Guns just pissed me off as far as songs go. But still. Brain Stew and all the songs from those times were good.

Then we have Linkin Park. I must have been having some sort of brain malfunction when I added them into the mix. They had like….one song I didn’t like. But they have had a lot of songs I did like. And check out this piece of greatness:

That’s a great song. That drum kick is just great. This song has alone restored my liking of Linkin Park. But even before this song came out, I still felt like I messed up with Linkin Park.I mean, Breaking the Habit? The video was like…anime. What’s not to like?

Anyway, that’s all I really wanted to say regarding that post.

Introducing a New ISSS: WTF!? Dreams!?

Hello there. So I’ve barely been posting this month, and as usual, this has a direct proportional correlation to the amount of anime I’ve been watching, which has been next to none. Ever since I finished Avatar (the series), I’ve just been wanting more of that. I DO at some point have to write a review of the shitty shitty movie which me and oballer watched one unfortunate day, but who knows when that will come to fruition.

Therefore, since I have nothing better to talk about, I figured, how bout I introduce my other ISSS?

Do any of you remember Frankly Stupid? It was the blog I had, but it sadly only had one funny story. Eye Sedso was my ISSS, and Frankly Stupid was kind of just a piece of shit blog I had on the side to be a bigger idiot than usual. However, I got rid of that piece of shit, because it was a piece of shit, and re-tooled it, gave it a specific theme, and re-created it as an ISSS. It’s name?

WTF!? Dreams!?

It’s purpose?

Well you see, all of my dreams kick ass, so I figured I’d share them with the world (mainly myself, because no one is going to have any interest in reading any of my dreams…actually, I don’t even have interest in reading about any of my dreams). But shit, who cares? This site is mainly just for me. If you want to know more, look at the about page to:

WTF!? Dreams!?

Post #666

NSFW (barely…I wouldn’t even bother with this, but there is a naked breast shown in this post).

Since this is my 666th post, I figured that I should really take advantage and devote it to Satan! Hooray!

Wait a second….do you…..worship the dark lord? (I was looking for a clip from The Animal, but it’s nowhere to be found).

For the record, no. I do not worship the dark lord. But, I did start writing a book about said person/beast/dark lord.

Wait? Seriously? That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. Your writing sucks.

Actually, it doesn’t. It does for this crappy ISSS, because on here, I write kinda how I talk, which you aren’t supposed to actually do, and I don’t proofreed or chekc aneething, so if theirs spelling or gramatical errrors than I probably won’t notics. However, when (if) I find myself writing something that had to not suck (like a paper for school), then I’ll actually almost care, and write normal. Anyway, I guess I’ll humor you all with the synopsis of said story a bit later in the post, but not right now. (EDIT: My computer lost all data including all scripts and novels I had been working on, and by “working on”, I mean not giving a shit about, which kind of sucks).

Let’s talk about some facts about Satan!

Satan Facts!

Please note that all of these facts were sufficiently researched and and concluded to be 100% true by multiple sources.

1) Satan is a Female

It’s true. I know most of you thought that Satan was a guy, but Satan is actually a female, and she’s really really hot. One thing about her is that she can change her shape, which means she could look like any given girl. Black, Asian….Black-Asian, you name it pal she can do it. She can shift shapes like the cock of a kid in puberty. However, Satan does have horns and a tail these do not change. They just make her look sexier though, which is what she’s trying to do anyway. In an ideal world, Satan would look like Lucy Lui, because Lucy Lui is fucking awesome.

2) Children Love Satan

It’s true. Do you know why? (hint: the picture makes it absurdly clear). I’ll tell you why. Children all love Santa, right? Well guess what?

S A N T A = S A T A N

Oh wow. I’m sure that everyone and their mother already knows this, but switch a few letters around, and shit, they’re the same person, right? Well, actually this brings me to my next fact.

3) Satan is not Santa Clause.

Look at the anger!

Does Satan look like a fat bastard with a beard and slaves? No. Satan is much nicer. Satan has a Union for her workers. Look at the REAL story behind Santa:

Well, I thought it was funny……at least the first time I heard it….the second time it wasn’t that good.

Btw, never type in “Santa Slave Driver” in google if you have no restrictions on your searches. The images are mainly just……just don’t do it okay?

4) Satan Gets a Bad Wrap

Look how sad she looks! You should all be ashamed!

Honestly, people talk about Satan as if she loves to kill and torture people in total damnation. Satan is definitely a sadist, that much is true, but that doesn’t mean she tortures everyone like some crazy wackjob, or a member of the Denver Thuggets (where this behavior is both tolerable and encouraged by me and fans everywhere). No. Satan has feelings too. She was cast down from Heaven, not for starting a war as some people believe, but because she was a one night stand for God, and God’s wife found out, so she had to go. God’s wife is a total bitch btw, she never lets him do anything. He can’t even go play 9 holes on the weekends, he has to do all sorts of chores. I hear she doesn’t even put out for him anymore. Typical gold-digger.

Shit I’m getting off topic. What I was going to say was that, sure, Satan loves to manipulate people, and can trick, tease, and persuade with the best of them (she is the best of them), but this should have been common knowledge when I told you she was a female. Just because she like to trick people into selling her their souls doesn’t mean that she doesn’t get sad sometimes. The fact is, she only wants your soul because she’s loney in Hell, all alone with no one to talk to. Anyone would be depressed in that situation!

Other Fun Facts

  • Satan is a bi-sexual.
  • Satan’s favorite musical talent is Justin Bieber. (personally, I hate the little shit).
  • Satan can’t directly kill humans. Even if she wanted to, the most she could do is manipulate them like any other female). That being said, she can indirectly kill someone.
  • Satan always wanted to get into acting, but she gets severe stage fright which makes it impossible to say her lines correctly.
  • Satan recently broke up with Mel Gibson because she simply couldn’t handle his outrageousness. Mel Gibson’s a fucking nut.
  • Satan really likes Junior Mints and Peppermint patties.
  • She has simlilar powers to God, in that she can seemingly change the scape of the land to create a new, fictional world (an illusion).
  • Despite what many might think, Satan can’t handle anything spicy.
  • Satan loves anime, and her favorite character is the cat from Azumanga Daioh. She hates K-On.
  • Satan had a huge crush on Jesus back in middle school. She grew out of it though and now thinks that Jesus was just a big show off. She also did not approve of the fact that he had his own harem of girls.

The “Book” I was “working on”

I have a hobby of writing long novels. Except, my hobby includes only writing a few pages, and then stopping work on said novels. Therefore, it’s no coincidence that I only wrote like….two pages on this book, which I labeled, “I’m In Love With The Devil.” To be honest, I thought the whole idea was pretty cool, but I had no idea what to actually write about.

Then, just like every year, The Great Crash of 2010 occurred. Computer crashes for me are like Noreasters. Every year, there’s always one huge one that rolls in and fucks up everything.


I've seen this screen so many times, I've memorized the words.

Yup, my computer, which always had a blue screen pop up every now and then, suddenly decided to blue screen 3 times in 10 minutes, not even giving me time to back up my files. After the third blue screen, Windows wouldn’t even load. As such, I permanently lost all of my funny pictures, including my Bill the Ass Kicker versions, my manga that I had saved, my illegal movies (mainly Wall-E, which I really wanted to re-watch, but also all of the great quality anime movies), Stepmania, Fruity Loops, Audacity, Switch, my YouTube downloader, all of my raps (over 200 word pages single spaced), ALL OF MY GINTAMA (100 + episodes)….anyway, I didn’t even have any porn on my computer so wtf? I literally had no porn saved to my computer. Damn you! Damn you YouPorn! YouJizz! Pornhub! RedTube! Etc!

Anyway, getting back to the book, here was the synopsis. I got the idea late one night when thinking about Stockholm Syndrome, which is a disorder that I would immediately acquire if a hot girl suddenly kidnapped me:

Satan is the CEO of Hell, and she’s bored. Although the figures show that Hell is importing souls at a higher rate, there are less souls being manipulated into Hell. Fed up with how things are going, she decides to go up to Earth to try and angle one of the purest souls she can find. She finds a boy who is celebrating his 21st birthday, and decides to go for him. She asks the boy (I never made up a name….let’s see…..I shall call him……….Chris Dotes…that’s a pretty cool name). So she introduces herself to Chris as Satan, and while at first, Chris doesn’t believe her, Satan convinces him through some orm of Wizardry. To make things fun for herself, Satan tells him upfront that she is going to try and take his soul. Throughout the novel, Chris tries not to do anything that would warrant his soul getting sent to Hell. In the meantime, he falls in love with Satan, and it seems like Satan has fallen for him. However, he knows that Satan is known for manipulating feelings, and she’s trying to get him into Hell, and so Chris is suddenly finds himself in a predicament. What can a person do when they’re in love with the devil?

tl;dr: I dude is in love with Satan, but knows that Satan is probably just playing with his feelings to get his soul. Should he try and push himself away, or succumb to his feelings, even though he knows that would probably be the end for him?

Personally, I think it’s a very interesting predicament, which is the only real reason I wrote it down.

I also really liked creating Hell as if it was a business in competition with Heaven. Satan had a secretary, an office, etc. It was pretty cool. Then I brought Stockholm Syndrome (which I’ve always liked) into the mix. To be honest, I’d rather someone else write this book (like, someone who can actually write and won’t quit after a page), and then just give me like….15% of the profit (which would be like 5 dollars, seeing as no one would buy it). To be even more honest, this would probably make a better manga, and now that I think about it, It’s kind of a rip off of My Balls.

Speaking of My Balls, how the fuck did My Balls end? I read it all, but I can’t remember.

Probably with sex.

RIP Leslie Nielsen

Oh tis a sad sad sad day. A very sad day indeed, as one of the funniest deadpan comedian actor of our time has finally kicked the bucket. (knowing Leslie’s characters, he probably got his foot caught in the bucket before hand and bumbled around for a while).

I loved the movies and characters performed by Leslie Nielsen. I LOVE deadpan, and his deadpan jokes were simply leaps and bounds better than anyone else. The Naked Gun trilogy is, without a doubt, the funniest movie trilogy that I’ve ever seen, and to me one other the great trilogies overall. Airplane! (his first real comedic role) is one of the funniest movies of all time, and contained lines that have become infamous. One such line being:

The Naked Gun….well, I already stated how awesome the movie is, but yeah, it was awesome. Another favorite movie of mine was Wrongfully Accused.

Anyway, I’m going to keep this short. I for one, can only hope that every tv station plays Leslie Nielsen movies on repeat for days on end to celebrate the life of one of the greatest comedic deadpan actor in history. He will be missed.

Destiny of an Emperor: A Video Game For The Ages

Rarely do I review video games. The main reason is because nothing I find is good enough to review, and I rarely play anything other than Call of Duty. But this has been one of the best games that I have played, and although I haven’t played it in a while…..well……fuck it’s good.

Destiny of an Emperor

Destiny of an Emperor is by far my favorite NES game (out of the very small portion of NES games I’ve played). Truth be told, I never actually owned this game. In fact, I never actually played it on an NES. In fact, I never actually owned an NES. My first gaming console was N64, and it kicked fucking ass. No, no, no. I played Destiny of an Emperor on an NES emulator that I used to have. In fact, I played it and, just like my penis, I beat it many, many, many, many times. So why is an old game like this so addicting?

First is the music.


Everything from the title screen to the battles contains some of the best 8-bit sounds one could ever hear:

Have you ever heard anything more bad-ass than that? I sure have, but still, that’s some pretty awesome music. I could lay pipe to that kind of music. If you ask me, all plumbers would do good to listen to Destiny of an Emperor’s sound track when they lay pipe. Mario’s theme can suck it, this song is way better than his famous little jingle. But what’s really impressive is the music during the battles. Depending on who you’re fighting, there’s different music that plays, yet all of these NES symphonies are laced with the same feeling of suave “let’s kick some ass in a cool way” type of emotion. Check this out:

You know what the awesome thing is? The music gets better as you fight heavier enemies. This music only plays for simple enemies like bandits or guards. It kind of reminds of a mix between those jazzy swingers from way back when and Ninja Turtles. Pretty awesome mix if you ask me (or anyone else for that matter). But while the music is awesome the best ever, it’s clearly not the only reason why this game is great. After all, if I wanted to play a game just for good music, I’d play DDR.

That was a joke by the way. While I love DDR, some of the music makes me wonder.


To be honest, the gameplay is eerily similar to that of Pokemon. Or I should say that Pokemon is eerily similar to Destiny of an Emperor. Or I should say that it’s exactly like 10003904095 different RPGs out there for the NES, as well as every other system ever. You walk around the world, run into enemies, beat the shit out of them, steal their money, buy food and weapon upgrades, and conquer China. Oh, I didn’t mention that? This game revolves around the Romance of the Three Kingdoms.

That’s right, we’re talking about Lui Bei, Zhang Fei, Guan Yu and even Lu Bu. (I almost got caught on YouTube watching Lu Bu clips for a second there).

Who doesn’t like Romance of the Three Kingdom? I’ll tell you who, sissies and duffers! That’s right, I’m talking about Hufflepuffs!

Now, I’m not sure why exactly Hufflepuffs don’t like an awesome war about uniting a broken land, and the story revolving around the elite cast of characters. I honestly want to read the book, because the story is awesome, but someone I know said it’s FUCKING LONG AS FUCK, and I’ve got ADD, so that’s not happening unless I do something like go on a hiatus to read…

Anyway, there’s really not that much special about the gameplay to be honest, but it’s so addicting it’s retarded. I’ve beaten it about 12 times, so that means I’ve played it at least 12 times, so that means there must be something awesome about it. Maybe it’s just for people who are obsessed with RotTK and Dynasty Warriors, but in my opinion, I think this is by far the best NES video game, and maybe one of the best video games ever. And yes, I’ve played the Zelda games for NES and personally, they can’t hold a candle to DoaE. I don’t even understand how to beat Ganon in the first Zelda game, it’s impossible. It wasn’t ever that fun either. It actually sucks. But Bubble Bobble is fucking awesome. That game was great. I could play Bubble Bobble all day long. The music in that kicked ass too. In fact, all 8-bit music is awesome. Is it even called that? I don’t know, nor do I care really.

Machete: “Shoot Em Up” With Some Chipotle

I am in love with Michelle Rodriguez.

Now that that’s out of the way, let me continue with my review of a movie that was pure, kick-ass entertainment. Spoiler will be involved. I’ll tell you now that this movie is awesome.


This movie was every bit as awesome as I hoped it would be, and then some. I had been looking forward to this movie ever since I saw the fake trailer in Grindhouse. Even though I knew it wasn’t a real trailer, I knew from the second that I saw said trailer that Machete would eventually become a real film, because Danny Trejo is just too fucking awesome. I mean, I talked about this back in December. Finally, today, I saw it.

Premise: Machete, in case you’re in idiot, is about a former Mexican Federale turned illegal US immigrant. One day he’s approached by some dude who pays him 150K to kill a senator, aka Robert De Niro. However, he’s set up, shot in the shoulder, and blamed for the whole thing. What’s next? Revenge. Can’t think of a better plot. It certainly was light years better than the plot for The Expendables, which sucked cock.

Let’s see, how should I start this so that you understand the type of movie Machete is…….okay……In the first scene, a naked girl pulls a cell phone out of her vagina and calls Stephen Seagal. The rest of the movie contains similar ridiculousness.

I’m pretty sure that when Robert Rodriguez started making this movie, he just decided that he’d do whatever the fuck he wanted with it, so as long as he thought it was funny. Likewise, this movie had everything that one would expect a Robert Rodriguez movie of this sort to contain: a shit-ton of excessive blood and violence, and a lot of crazy ass ways of killing people, ranging from using intestines as rope, to weed whackers and high heels. It is for this same reason that Machete ended up containing a shit-ton of humor. In fact, I’ll go on record and say that I’ve never laughed harder at anything in a theater ever, not because it was bad, but because it was purposefully made to be funny in a bad way. There’s something funny to me about an army of Mexicans with guns going to fight some guys in cars that have hydrolics. In fact, a car actually kills on dude, because it bounces really high in the air, and crushes him. That was awesome, ridiculous, and super. Yes, it’s corny as fuck, but at the same time, it’s supposed to be like that. Pretty much, this movie was a Mexican version of Shoot Em Up, a film that I’ve been saying for years kicked serious fucking ass.

Here’s some fun facts:

  • Lindsey Lohan was in this movie. She played a crack head/slut. A role she was born to play.
  • Michelle Rodriguez is allowed to kick my ass whenever she wants. I will be a masochist for her, she is so fucking hot.
  • Machete Don’t Text.
  • Michelle Rodriguez gets shot in the head…no big deal, put an eye patch over her face and she’s fine.
  • Intestines are 60 feet long!
  • I’ve been saying for years that eye patches will make anyone bad-ass immediately. Not that Michell Rodriguez needs help in this area, but fuck. Look at that shit.
  • I’m still not sure if this movie was making fun of Mexicans or Immigration Laws……probably both.
  • The words, “Wetback” and “Bean Eaters” were used multiple times. I laughed really hard, cuz I’m a racist piece of shit apparently.
  • Cheech Marin is awesome as fuck.
  • Why are you still reading this? Go see this movie.
  • Stephen Seagal is hilarious.

Well, that’s it. I’m going to have to go ahead and say that this movie was fucking awesome as fuck. It was very similar to Shoot Em Up, albeit not as many wise cracks. Therefore:


Michelle Rodgriguez >>>>>>>> That girl who got dropped from Transformers