Star Wars Episode VII Teaser

Remember the days when you would go to the movies and watch the previews and go, “Oh wow! They made a SEQUEL!? I HAD NO IDEA LOOKS AWESOME!”

Crazy.

Crazy because now we have FUCKING ANNOUNCEMENTS just for a TEASER TRAILER.

WELL LET ME TELL YOU A THING OR TWO YOU SCRUFFY LOOKIN NURF HERDER! WHEN IT’S FOR STAR WARS, THERE BETTER BE A DAMN PARADE.

HHHNNNNGGGGG

I am a Star Wars fan in a similar albeit more open way that I like anime. Love anime. Still do. I won’t go announcing it to the world or anything but hey, I’ll talk about it awkwardly for a bit if you want. Now, I won’t go out dressing up like Boba Fett or anything (because I don’t have a costume because otherwise I might), but I’ll talk about it rapidly if you want (or more importantly, if I want, which I do).

Now for the teaser.

Why yes, Boba Fett is the best Star Wars character. No, he isn’t involved in this trailer. No, he doesn’t do much at all in original trilogy.

There was a ton of backlash, both positive and negative, once this was released. Hell, I had been looking forward to this release for pretty much a year. Since there’s only a few glimpses, Let’s go through them all shall we?

That’s just a preview screen. Why did I even do a screen shot of this? Still. It comes at you with the green of Luke’s lightsaber in Return of the Jedi, adding girth and fortitude to any man’s dong.

So there’s been a loooooot of talk about this.

“Oh he’s black oh dear golly!”

“What? Black?”

What a bunch of assholes. Have you ever seen Attack the Block? Fucking awesome movie where John Boyega (black stormtrooper) kicks some serious alien ass. I was so pumped when John Boyega was announced for this movie. Perfect casting. John Boyega. THAT’S AN ALIEN BRUV BELIEVE ME!

Okay, next, idk who the hell this dude becomes, but Boyega would be great as either good or bad or even both. Kicks ass. Not gonna speculate because I don’t care either way.

Any Serikas does a bad-ass voice.

Did you hear the Probe Droid noise at the end?

ORIGINAL SOUND EFFECTS SWEEEET.

Okay, I don’t know how this freaking soccer ball droid works (BB-8 is apparently the name), but it’s real. An actual practical effect. That means it’s actually rolling around like that. No CGI. Like you can drive that thing. HOW IS THAT NOT COOL AS SHIT!? Anyone who complains about this bat shit crazy awesome droid needs to leave. I WANT TO DRIVE ONE AROUND. HELL, I JUST WANT TO KNOW HOW THAT HEAD STAYS ON. MAGNETS? FUCK!

Ohhh nooooo! The Stormtroopers look DIFFERENT!!! THIS MOVIE WILL BE TERRIBLE NOW!

Oh wait, what’s that? Who gives a shit? Oh okay!

Look, I love the original Stormtroopers armor. If it didn’t cost 700+ dollars for a suit that may or may not fit you, I’d buy one and wear it around like a boss, but an actual Stormtrooper armor suit DOES cost 700+ dollars and MAY not fit you, so I’m not getting one just yet (rather would have a Boba Fett replica suit anyway). That being said, I’m not bent out of shape that the helmets look slightly MORE BAD-ASS. Anyone who’s upset that they don’t look exactly the same as they did from a movie set 30 years in the past is a FOOL. A DOWNRIGHT FOOL.

Like, you’re going to sit there and tell me uniforms don’t change over the years?

Okay next one.

She’s hot.

Next.

Here’s a dude piloting an X-Wing. I’m not going to go over uniform updates again since I just did that, but this one looks more bad-ass yet again, so there you go. People seemed to go crazy over this part. I mean, X- Wings are cool, but they’re honestly not THAT great. Tie Fighters are more awesome in my opinion. Still, it’s GREAT to see an actual Star Wars vehicle coming back (more on that later). And they got the engine sound PERFECT. Can’t ask for much more.

Here it is. The big topic. The one everyone can’t just shut the fuck up about.

“This design doesn’t make sense!”

“This design is dumb!”

“This design isn’t efficient!”

“Women are just fine at driving!”

Literally nothing that has come out of the negative-nancy opinion club has changed my mind to think that this lightsaber isn’t BAD-ASS AS ALL FUCKING FUCK. Stephen Colbert can go ahead and defend the actual anatomy of the lightsaber and why it makes sense (very well in fact), I’m just going to go ahead and add that these dudes all have the force, so I’m sure they can swing this thing around without cutting off their own hand. Besides, who knows if it’s even a cross guard? Some say it’s a machine gun or something else. I’ve decided to not spoil this movie by looking for leaks, so I guess I’ll just WAIT FOR THE GOD DAMN MOVIE BEFORE I TALK SHIT ABOUT THE AWESOME LOOKING LIGHTSABER.

Oh HELL yeah. I had a feeling we’d see the Falcon, just as I thought we’d see the X-Wings. It was already shown in photos from the set that a full scale Millenium Falcon was built, same as the X-Wing. These things were spoiled, and knowing how little JJ likes to spoil things, it was obvious that there wouldn’t be too much new footage in the teaser. Still, super pumped to see the Falcon back in action, being chased by Tie Fighters, which make the COOLEST FUCKING NOISES EVER. GAH TIE FIGHTERS. And yes, new radar for the Falcon. Very much good.

Wrap Up

Okay so here’s what I think:

First, this movie will be good. Why? Well, because after many many years, we finally have an acceptable, new start wars movie, not so much because the original cast is back, but more because the original universe is back. The prequels were Star Wars, but they didn’t FEEL like Star Wars. No Tie Fighters, no X-Wings, heck, the whole style of the galaxy was way different. I know that styles change (Thinking Art Nouveau vs Art Deco vs the 60’s vs the 70’s etc), but when I think of the prequel I think of that silver ship that they flew on when they traveled to Tattooine. It was shiny, smooth and… odd. All CGI and smoothed over. No substance.

This has the FEEL of Star Wars, and I think it can be best summarized with the HOT GIRL screenshot from above. It’s Tattooine, there’s junk all over the place, and she’s riding a real clunker. Here now are picture to express my feelings:

Star Wars:

Not:

Either you get it or you don’t. BYE.