One day, I was visiting my ISSS, and seeing if anyone had said anything regarding my post of K-ON, and how much it sucked. Suddenly, I saw that Baka-Raptor had this shit to say:
“In conclusion, Mugi was only a lesbian for one episode.
And whatever happened to that post you were supposed to write about me?”
“Holy shit!,” I thought to myself, but actually said outloud, “Whatever happened to that post that I was supposed to write about Baka-Raptor?” I mean, I had been writing it, but then I got way too many drafts written, and it was pushed off of my main page on my wordpress dashboard. And as if that wasn’t enough, here comes Oballer restating the exact same thing, brown nosing Baka-Raptor to the fullest extent, almost like a bully’s sidekick. If your gonna suck up on my site, do it to me…..anyway, I read what I wrote and determined that it was complete bullshit and utterly retarded. “If you’re gonna make a post about Baka-Raptor,” I thought to myself, “then you better make sure it’s not made up.”
WARNING: I suck at using MS Paint. This will become apparent throughout this post.
The Legend of Baka-Raptor
It all started on a blustery day in Russia Northern England. A young man named Paul O’Doyal was sharpening his sheers for trimming his sheep’s wool. He had but one sheep, as he was a poor farmer. While he was working diligently, a man appeared, his figure framed in the doorway. Paul stopped what he was doing and looked up to greet the man.
“Ello? Oo ah you?” he said in a deep English accent.
“Dear me, sorry to bother you and all, but I was just passing by and wondered if I could use your phone.” said the man.
“Ah? Ehhh, oooo, oh-kay.” replied Paul cunningly, “it’s in the kitchen o’er neah the main ‘ouse. Meh wife’s out ‘n me daughtah’s sleepin, so mind ‘er will yeh?”
The man agreed to not wake the sleeping child and walked toward the main house.
He entered the kitchen and glanced at the phone. He gave a soft, cold chuckle and walked right past it. He never had any intention of actually using the phone in the first place. He had his eye on this house for a while now, and there was only one thing that he wanted. Down the hallway from the kitchen, the man quietly opened a closed door, and let his eyes fall upon a sleeping, 8 year old girl. He smiled a sinister grin and unzipped his………jacket. He took off his jacket and closed in on the small child, resting peacefully in her bed.
“Look at you,” he said hungrily, “you’re so small, so cute….I must have you right now.”
Just as he reached his trembling, outstretched arm toward the girl’s flat chest, the wall suddenly exploded, with a large figure standing in it’s wake.
“No,” said the man shakily from his knees, “this can’t be. You should be…..you should be dead! I…I KILLED YOU!”
The huge velociraptor that stood where the wall used to be laughed, “HA! You believe that a pathetic pedophile like you can ever defeat me!? I smite you!”
The ferocious raptor attacked the man, his teeth and claws slashing and ripping the puny, pathetic pedophile to pieces. The dinosaur laughed in triumph over the pedophile’s demise. Just then, the father, who had heard the commotion, came in with a shotgun, fully loaded.
“Oi! Wha es gone on eah!? Wha on earf’s da rackeh?”
“Daddy! Daddy! The dinosaur saved me from the mean man!” said the small child through happy tears. She hugged a stuffed bear that looked really big and fluffy. The sun illuminated her face, causing her eyes to sparkle. She blushed and let out a small giggle, and butterflies fluttered around her head, while a bird chirped in the background. Then she sneezed ever so gently and put on cat ears while saying things like, “Nya~” and other stuff that people always put squiggly marks after.
“I’ve had just about ENOUGH OF THIS!”shouted the raptor powerfully.
Quickly, he grabbed the small child and punted her up into the mountains. “God damn moe! Be gone from this place!” the raptor hollered.
“Yay! My first time being punted up into the mountains by Raptor-sama!” yelled the small girl, before she disappeared into the horizon.
The man, who suddenly realized that this raptor had destroyed his house and gracefully punted his one and only daughter, was suddenly filled with rage. Cocking his shotgun and gritting his teeth, he was ready to battle the dinosaur to the death.
They stood, facing each other, with glares of malice in their eyes.
“You really wanna go down this road, old man?” said the raptor in a low, menacing growl.
“My tank is filled and the engine is started, I’m ready to roll.” Paul said through a grin, “And I’m not old. I’m 31.” Now, Paul’s English/Irish accent had completely disappeared at this point, and in fact, both the raptor and the Englishman changed their accents to over-dramatized action movie voices, like those found in certain awesome movies (I don’t know why I pluralized “movie”).
The man let off several rounds as he closed in on the raptor, teeth clenched and knuckles white. But his bullets couldn’t match the speed and agility of the raptor, whose tail flashed and whipped the bullets away, as if he were simply swatting flies. But eventually, Paul closed in, until he had the shotgun pressed against the raptor’s stylish, purple hat.
“Your move old man, what’s it gonna be?” growled the raptor through a smile. He seemed to know something that the Paul did not. But Paul was sure he had him beat.
“Game over,” said Paul. As he pulled the trigger, he heard the empty click of the hammer, and the blood drained from his face.
“You’re right,” said the Cretacious beast, “Game over….OLD MAN.”
The raptor’s teeth crushed down on Paul’s arm and one jerk of the head sent the man flying right into his one and only sheep.
The man lay, bleeding and dying, and as the raptor turned to leave, the man asked, “You…….who….who are you?”
The dinosaur turned his head.
“Me? I’m Baka-Raptor.”
And with that, he left England, because justice had been served, the world had become a better place, and England fucking sucks.